- Colin Mochrie: [in "Weird Newscasters", as a bad stand-up comic] Well, it seems all the fish in the rivers are dying. Could this be an act of cod?
- [laughs]
- Colin Mochrie: Some people think it's because of the heavy rains lately. It was raining cats and dogs, I stepped into a poodle!
- [laughs]
- Colin Mochrie: It's like puddle, but spelled differently! I have twenty-eight more minutes!
- Brad Sherwood: Sure is quiet in the newsroom, isn't it?
- Ryan Stiles: [in "Scene to Rap", set at a park]
- [rapping]
- Ryan Stiles: Hey there, boys, on the way to haberdasher, / 'cause I'm in the park and I'm a flasher. / I try to rap, I really try, / but I can't 'cause I'm just a white guy. Say "huh"...
- [mimes opening his coat]
- Brad Sherwood: [rapping] Well he's a flasher, that's for sure, / But I thought I'd see a little more. / Maybe it's just cold outside, / But he's got nothing but a little to hide.
- Ryan Stiles: [in "Foreign Film Dub", translating for Colin's mock Chinese] I have lived in this city all my life. As a young boy growing up, my father told me to set forth on my own, find my own fortune, seek the gold that I wanted from years gone by. I met a young girl one day,
- [Colin looks at his watch]
- Ryan Stiles: and we fell deeply in love. Had children, they grew up to be very proud of me. I love you.