- Juan Epstein: Mr. Kotter, I got a note excusing my absenteeism.
- Gabe Kotter: [Unfolds note, begins reading] "Dear Mr. Kotter. Please excuse Juan's abs - " Aren't you gonna read along?
- [Epstein shakes head no]
- Gabe Kotter: "Please excuse Juan's absence. He was home sick with the stomach flu. Sincerely, Mrs. Epstein." Fine. That's okay, Juan. Your excuse is perfectly legitimate.
- Juan Epstein: I know. That's the problem. It's the first legitimate excuse I've turned in in 11 years. Me, Juan Epstein, the flim-flam man of Buchanan High School, a legit excuse. What's the world comin' to?
- Gabe Kotter: [after Julie angrily hangs up the telephone] What's the matter, Julie? Who was that?
- Julie Kotter: It was a crank call. I don'y know why kids have to make crank calls. Did you ever do that?
- Gabe Kotter: [Smiling mischievously] Just once. I was about 11. We called up a butcher. We'd say, "Hello, is this the butcher?" He said, "Yes, it is." We said, "Do you have pig's feet?" He said, "I certainly do." I said, "Where do you buy your shoes?"
- Mr. Michael Woodman: This flu epidemic is a crisis, Kotter. You remember what General Patton used to say?
- Gabe Kotter: Sure I do. He said, "School is hell."
- Judy Borden: You mean you don't know who Amerigo Vespucci was?
- Vinnie Barbarino: Of course I know who he was! That was Chef Boyardee's maiden name.