- Alice Tinker: I've got this piggy-bank. My dad, right, used to put all his money in it, and he said that when I grew up, I could open it buy a castle.
- Geraldine Granger: Did your dad have a reputation for telling the truth?
- Alice Tinker: Oh, yeah. My mother knew all about his kids in the other villages.
- Geraldine Granger: I want our church to be a *church*, not an enormous church-shaped begging bowl.
- David Horton: Yes, and I want Princess Anne to knock on my door and say, "I have dumped that ugly berk Tim Laurence; I'm all yours, big boy." But it's not going to happen, is it?
- [first lines]
- Owen Newitt: Filthy weather.
- Jim Trott: No no no no no no no no I've known worse.
- Owen Newitt: Oh yes? When was that, then?
- Jim Trott: The Great Storm, when the windmill got blown over.
- Owen Newitt: That wasn't the Great Storm; that was a moderately windy night. No, the really great storm was the Great Storm.
- Jim Trott: When was that, then?
- Owen Newitt: When Dave Batt got decapitated.
- Jim Trott: That wasn't the Great Storm.
- Owen Newitt: Well, it was pretty damn great.
- Jim Trott: No, the greatest storm was the one when Old Harold got blown into the quarry.
- Owen Newitt: Ooh, that! The Great Winds.
- Jim Trott: The what?
- Owen Newitt: The Great Storm there's got to be rain, and in the Great Winds there was just wind.
- Letitia Cropley: Nasty night. It reminds me of the Great Storm.
- Owen Newitt, Jim Trott: Shut up!
- [post credits]
- Alice Tinker: Right. I've got one for you, today.
- Geraldine Granger: Oh, fab.
- Alice Tinker: It's very funny. Ahem. Knock, knock.
- Geraldine Granger: Who's there?
- Alice Tinker: Ronny.
- Geraldine Granger: Ronny who?
- Alice Tinker: Ronny Barker.
- [laughs]
- Alice Tinker: It would be funny if Ronny Barker came to your door, wouldn't it?
- Geraldine Granger: Yes. I'm not quite sure you understand how these jokes work.
- Alice Tinker: Knock, knock.
- Geraldine Granger: Who's there?
- Alice Tinker: Billy.
- Geraldine Granger: Billy Connolly would it be?
- Alice Tinker: Yes!
- [laughing]
- Alice Tinker: How did you know that one? Well it's funny, isn't it?
- Geraldine Granger: Not really, no.
- Alice Tinker: Don't worry, I have got hundreds more where they came from. Knock, knock.
- Geraldine Granger: Who the hell is it this time?
- Alice Tinker: Groucho.
- Geraldine Granger: Going to be a very long night, isn't it.
- [last lines]
- Daniel Frobisher: Clever bastard.
- Geraldine Granger: Oh, pity. That's another thousand pounds, I'm afraid.
- [calls out]
- Geraldine Granger: Good news, everybody; the Christmas outing's on again, thanks to Daniel.
- Alice Tinker: [after emptying out the contents of her piggy bank] So how much does it come to?
- Geraldine Granger: Well, excluding everything that isn't actually legal tender in the United Kingdom - a farthing.
- Alice Tinker: A farthing. Right, so quite a way to go then.
- David Horton: I *love* this kind of weather. Do you remember The Great Snow?
- Owen Newitt: Oh yes. Froze your balls off.
- Letitia Cropley: Poor old Gladys.
- Jim Trott: What about her?
- Letitia Cropley: Well, she died, didn't she? In The Great Snow. Froze to death one Friday.
- Jim Trott: No no no no, that was The Great Frost. I-It w-were the Bottle twins, Mabel and Edith, that froze to death in The Great Snow of '54.
- Owen Newitt: Rubbish. The Bottles died in The Great Freeze of '48.
- David Horton: And I'm about to die in The Great Bore of '94.
- [a thunderclap. The lights go out]
- Frank Pickle: How exciting! It's just like The Great Eclipse of '53.
- David Horton: Shut up!
- David Horton: First on the agenda, we've been asked to make a contribution to the South American earthquake appeal. I thought perhaps £10.
- Owen Newitt: Oh, it's not much, is it? Hundreds of kiddies dying of starvation and we can only spare a tenner.
- David Horton: What did you have in mind?
- Owen Newitt: Well, I don't know... 11 quid?
- David Horton: Done.
- David Horton: Sadly, you must minute that Dibley can't afford a new window.
- Geraldine Granger: Stop writing, Frank. "Can't" isn't in the Christian vocabulary.
- Owen Newitt: Yes it is! You can't commit adultery, you cant steal...
- Jim Trott: No no no and you can't even covet your neighbor's ass, even if it is very alluring.
- Daniel Frobisher: [at the unveiling of the new window] What do you think of it, David?
- David Horton: Very beautiful. I've always thought it to be the finest view in the village. Good decision.
- Owen Newitt: Bloody marvelous. I mean, when it comes to it, you can't beat God's own creation, can you?
- Geraldine Granger: You're not scared anymore?
- Alice Tinker: No.
- [the lights go out. Alice screams]
- Geraldine Granger: For crying out loud Hugo!