- Eric Forman: Poor, little, tough guy hiding behind his bluster.
- Steven Hyde: Shut up, Forman, I'm fine!
- Michael Kelso: Sounds like someone needs a tickle.
- Fez: No, I'm okay.
- Eric Forman: We're your best friends and we're not going to let you go through this alone!
- Michael Kelso: Eric's right!
- [climbs over the couch]
- Michael Kelso: We're going to do something that *guys* do!
- Fez: A massage train?
- Michael Kelso: No!
- [to Hyde]
- Michael Kelso: So, we got you a present.
- Steven Hyde: [Cut to the circle] This is a great present, guys! I especially like the teeny, white paper you wrapped it in.
- Michael Kelso: The only thing that could ruin today is if the Russians set off the Russian Death Ray that's pointed at the White House. No, seriously! I read it in a magazine!
- Eric Forman: Kelso, that was The Flash and it's a comic book.
- Fez: I love comic books. Sometimes I wish I had thought bubbles. Do you see anything?
- Steven Hyde: The Russians don't have a death ray, man, but they *do* have a stupid ray and it's pointed right at you.
- Michael Kelso: They *do* have a death ray and I'll prove it. Where's the phone?
- Eric Forman: Kelso, I'm not allowed to make long distance calls without permission.
- Michael Kelso: They've got me on hold. Oh, and they're playing the theme song to the President.
- Eric Forman: "Hail To The Chief".
- Michael Kelso: Thank you, Eric, but I'm trying to enjoy the President's theme song!
- Eric Forman: Kelso, if you tell the White House there's a death ray, they're going to have you committed. I say go for it.
- Michael Kelso: Of course they're not going to admit it. I got to trick them into saying it. It's what cops call
- [uses air quotes]
- Michael Kelso: "tricking them".
- [on the phone]
- Michael Kelso: Hello, White House? I have a few questions. How well is the President protected? Because someone wants to hurt the President. Damn right it's a threat, a threat on the President's life! Where am I now? I'm at Red Forman's house in Point Place...
- Eric Forman: No!
- [Eric and Hyde hang up the phone]
- Steven Hyde: You idiot! You just told them where we are! They're going to come here and arrest us!
- Michael Kelso: They should arrest the Russians! *They're* the ones with the death ray!
- Fez: You didn't mention the death ray!
- Michael Kelso: Ah-ha! So you admit there is a death ray!
- Eric Forman: [to a vacuum they think has a bug in it] You're looking for Michael Kelso.
- Michael Kelso: Quit it!
- Eric Forman: No! This whole thing is your fault!
- Michael Kelso: If it's anyone's fault, it's Hyde's, because he got dumped by Jackie, so we had to be nice to him!
- Fez: Go easy on the kid! Breaking up with Jackie was the biggest mistake he ever made. Remember? We were talking about it behind his back!
- Steven Hyde: Shut up, Fez! If I want to hear your advice, I'll kick you in the 'nads!
- Fez: Oh. In that case, my advice is: "please don't kick me in the 'nads".
- Eric Forman: [in a loud voice] Maybe the Feds have some advice. Remember, they're listening with the
- [whispers]
- Eric Forman: V-A-C-U-U-M!
- Steven Hyde: [They look puzzled for a little bit] It spells "vacuum".
- Michael Kelso: "Vacuum" has two U's in it? That's messed up!
- Fez: If Hyde's right and the Feds are outside, we have to dispose of the evidence.
- Eric Forman: [During the second circle] Good job disposing of the evidence guys.
- Michael Kelso: Eric, you better take this seriously. We have a lot of evidence to dispose of. Even more than at the Pink Floyd concert.
- Fez: Without all the smoke machines and lasers this is just like punishment.
- Steven Hyde: I never thought I'd say this, but I wish I had more people to share this with.
- Steven Hyde: [During the third circle] This is our third circle today and it hasn't calmed me down at all!
- Fez: I can't be sent back to my home country. My parents would be ashamed, I'd get stoned and then they'd throw rocks at me!
- Eric Forman: I think we all need to settle down! Just settle down! Who's yelling! Who is yelling!
- Karate Instructor: You don't understand, Jackie. I am a stranger who wants to hurt you!
- [gets in a fighting stance]
- Jackie Burkhart: I'm not buying it.
- Donna Pinciotti: [to Jackie] Okay, maybe it's not a stranger. Maybe it's someone who's already hurt you. Like Hyde.
- Jackie Burkhart: Watch it, Donna!
- Donna Pinciotti: You, with a glimpse of hope, asked him if you had a future and he said, "I don't know".
- [to the other students]
- Donna Pinciotti: *I don't know*! Like Jackie Burkhart wasn't special enough! *I* thought Jackie Burkhart was special, but apparently you're no better than me!
- Jackie Burkhart: All men are bastards!
- [She pushes the karate instructor behind the screen and knees and punches him and elbows the back of his neck]
- Jackie Burkhart: I'm better than *everyone*! And it's *Jackie*, not "Jackie-San"! Just *Jackie*, Dork-San!
- [She kicks him in the gonads]
- Fez: [the guys think a van parked across the street is the FBI] It's just a dog catcher's van.
- Steven Hyde: That's what they want you to think, man!
- Michael Kelso: Yeah! A real dog catcher's van wouldn't say "dog catcher" because otherwise the dogs would see it and run away!
- Fez: I can hear dogs inside.
- Steven Hyde: It's obviously a recording. Alright, on the count of three: one, two, three!
- [They open the doors releasing a bunch of dogs]
- Steven Hyde: I don't know if it's the fresh air talking but I'm beginning to think this entire thing is just our imagination.
- Eric Forman: I think we need to let this whole imagination thing go.
- [almost hits Fez with his red plastic light saber]
- Eric Forman: Whoa, watch out! I almost cut you right in half there, man!
- Steven Hyde: [During the fourth circle] The Feds have ruined the circle, man.
- Michael Kelso: The circle's what's keeping us sharp. If it wasn't for the circle, we wouldn't have known the Feds were after us, planning our every move. I say "thank you" for the circle.
- Jackie Burkhart: There were dogs on the path so we climbed to the top of this tall thing to get away from them.
- Donna Pinciotti: That was me!
- Fez: Dogs?
- Donna Pinciotti: What did you do?
- Eric Forman: What? Nothing! Kelso thought there was a death ray so he called the White House and we thought the Feds were after us! But it's okay, we just imagined it.
- Donna Pinciotti: I'm cutting you off! Where's your stash?
- Michael Kelso: Its all gone, man.
- Michael Kelso: What kind of country is this if you can't even make one threatening phone call to the President?
- Steven Hyde: [Eric is carrying a red plastic light saber] You know that's not a real weapon?
- Eric Forman: I know.
- Steven Hyde: Not even if you really, really believe.
- Eric Forman: I don't.
- [Hyde walks away]
- Eric Forman: Don't let me down, baby!
- [He kisses the light saber]
- Steven Hyde: Seriously, Jackie, don't you have something to say?
- Jackie Burkhart: Like what?
- Steven Hyde: I don't know... "I'm a spoiled, crazy, whack job and I'm sorry?"
- Fez: That's no way to talk to a lady.
- Michael Kelso: Especially a spoiled, crazy, whack job that's likely to get you killed!
- Reginald "Red" Forman: [entering] Oh, my God! There's a hundred morons in my basement! Not even *that's* going to ruin my day.
- Eric Forman: Yes! Only one, and *one* man only, has the power to do that! 'Tis I!
- Reginald "Red" Forman: No, not even *you* can do that. And who the hell talks like that?
- Kitty Forman: Red, honey, you were happy, remember?
- Reginald "Red" Forman: Today's the first day of winter and I'm going fishing.
- Kitty Forman: I'll come too. I'll grab my fishing stick.
- Reginald "Red" Forman: I don't want to go.
- Kitty Forman: Why not?
- Reginald "Red" Forman: Because I don't want you to go.
- Michael Kelso: [using a golf club to mimic a pump shotgun] Burn!
- Jackie Burkhart: [to the karate instructor] Someone might follow one of these other women home, but when people follow me, it's usually to ask me where I get my hair done or to give me presents.
- Donna Pinciotti: That's true. I've seen it.
- Michael Kelso: One thing I don't get is, if the Feds weren't after us all day, why did they send a bugged vacuum?
- Fez: [sarcastically] Why don't you call them and ask?
- Michael Kelso: That's a good idea!
- Jackie Burkhart: I would never be in an alley because I'm not poor and if I ever *was* in an alley, I would have a boy with me to protect me.
- Donna Pinciotti: Jackie, you're not always going to be with a guy. You're not with one now and no, I don't count.
- Steven Hyde: Kelso finally figures out how to use a phone and we're all going to jail!
- Eric Forman: Maybe its not them. I mean, the Feds wouldn't park a car right outside my house.
- Steven Hyde: Everything you think the Government's not doing, they *are* doing! The only thing they *didn't* do was land a man on the moon! Spielberg shot the whole thing in a Hollywood movie set! That's how he got the job for Jaws!
- Jackie Burkhart: I have better things to do with my day. Donna, what are we doing with our day?
- Donna Pinciotti: Well, I was going to go to my karate class...
- Jackie Burkhart: Ugh, I knew it'd be something sweaty!
- Donna Pinciotti: Well, you don't have to go!
- Jackie Burkhart: No, I'll go, I'll go - now that I'm not with Steven, I have a lot more time to do manly, unladylike things with you.