South Park (TV Series)

The Biggest Douche in the Universe (2002)

Trey Parker: Stan Marsh, Eric Cartman, Kenny McCormick, Dr. Doctor, Trailer Voice Overs, John Edward, Scottish Pilot, Man in Street #1, Man in Street #4, TV Producer, Nelle McElroy, Audience Member #5, Alien #2, Alien #3, Audience Member #8, The Biggest Douche in the Universe Announcer, Biggest Douche Host #1, Alien Singer

Quotes 

• Movie Announcer : Rob Schneider was an animal. Then he was a woman. And now Rob Schneider is... A stapler. And he's about to find out that being a stapler is harder than it looks. Rob Schneider is... The Stapler. Rated PG-13.

• Movie Announcer : Rob Schneider is a wall street executive, with everything going for him. Only problem is, he's about to become... a carrot!

  Rob Schneider : I'm a carrot!

  Movie Announcer : It's twenty four "carrot" comedy! Rob Schneider is, A Carrot! Rated PG-13.

• Movie Announcer : Rob Schneider is a somewhat popular comedic actor, who seemed to have it all. Until one day, he came across a pot roast, and his life changed forever. Now, he's sharing his body with an eight year old boy, and he's about to find out that being eight ain't so great. Rob Schneider is, Kenny! Rated PG-13.

• Movie Announcer : Derp de derp da teedily tumb.

• Movie Announcer : Rob Schneider derp de derp. Derp de derpity derpy derp. Until one day, the derpa derpa derpaderp. Derp de derp. Da teedily dumb. From the creators of Der, and Tum Ta Tittaly Tum Ta Too, Rob Schneider is Da Derp Dee Derp Da Teetley Derpee Derpee Dumb. Rated PG-13.

• [Stan performing as a psychic] 

  Stan : Ok, listen to me. Listen *very* carefully. This is a *trick* that I am doing. Ok? Watch. All I'm going to do is say a name that I'm gonna pick at random, ok?

  [pause] 

  Stan : They want me to acknowledge... Pete or Peter.

  Woman : Yes. Yes, my Peter.

  [Woman cries and audiance applauds] 

  Stan : No. Stop clapping. All I did was pick a name at random and wait for somebody in the audiance to give a response. Now that I see a that there is a lone woman in the audiance *crying*, my instinct tells me Peter was her husband. So I say, "Peter was your husband?"

  Woman : Yes, yes, yes. My husband, Peter.

  [Audience applauds] 

  Stan : STOP IT. I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

  Man : You knew Peter was dead.

  Stan : I didn't start by saying Peter is dead, I start by saying, "They want me to acknowledge Peter." That could have meant that Peter was in the audience or that Peter was somebody's friend or that Peter had died I couldn't be wrong. See? Now, I can look at this woman and can see that she is fairly young so odds are that her husband was fairly young when he died. So I can say something like, "I'm getting that Peter's death was very untimely."

  Woman : [sobbing]  Yes, it was.

  [Audiance applauds] 

  Man : Amazing.

  Woman : Ask Peter if he knows my little Billy.

  Stan : ...Ok... lets back up.

  [Audiance takes a step back] 

  Stan : NOT LITERALLY.

• John Edward : But I'm a psychic.

  Stan : No dude, you're a douche.

  John Edward : I'm not a douche. What if I really believe dead people talk to me?

  Stan : Then you're a stupid douche.

• John Edward : Everything I tell people is positive and gives them hope. How does that make me a douche?

  Stan : Because the big questions in life are tough. Why are we here? Where are we from? Where are we going? But if people believe in asshole douchey liars like you, we're never going to find the REAL answer to those questions. You aren't just lying, you're slowing down the progress of all mankind, you douche!

• [Chef's parents are exorcising Kenny's spirit from Cartman's body] 

  Chef's Pa : It's almost out! All right, son, now bring me the victim child!

  Chef : The victim child?

  Chef's Pa : Yeah, you know, the child that we sacrifice so we can put Kenny's soul into its body.

  [Chef stares silently] 

  Chef's Ma : Oh Lord, they didn't bring a victim child.

  Chef : Where were we gonna find a child to sacrifice?

  Chef's Ma : We weren't gonna ask you where you got it from.

• John Edward : So, you think you can talk to dead people better than me, huh?

  Stan : No, I don't think either one of us can.

  John Edward : They tell me your show is getting better ratings than mine, that you're saying I'm a fraud on your show! You better not ever call me a liar or a fake or a douche again, or else I'll sue you for slander!

  Stan : I'm saying this to you. John Edward. You are a liar, you are a fake, and you are the Biggest. Douche. Ever.

• Dr. Doctor : Get me 50 cc's of Ketamine, stat! And get something for the kid, too.

• Eric Cartman : Hey guys. How's it going?

  Chef : Cartman?

  Stan : No that's Kenny.

  Eric Cartman : What the hell are you assholes doing here?

  Stan : That's Cartman.