South Park (TV Series)

Probably (2000)

Trey Parker: Stan Marsh, Eric Cartman, Narrator, The Fonz, Tour Guide, Stephen, Hell Director, Protestant, Questioning Man in Crowd, Preacher, Timmy, Mormon #1, God, Mormon #3, Mormon #4

Quotes 

• [preaching to the kids] 

  Cartman : Freinds ay' have to tell you dat last night, Ay' received a phone call from beyond da grave-ah.

  Congregation : [collective gasp] 

  Cartman : It was our departed friend, Kenny, calling from da depths of Hell. And he described what Hell is like in horrid detail-ah. He said dat in Hell, da smell is awful. He said dat in Hell... everyone speaks Spanish.

  Congregation : [collective gasp of horror] 

  Cartman : He said d'er is water in Hell, but if you drink it you pee blood out your ass for seven hours-ah.

  Congregation : NO.

  Cartman : And perhaps worst of awl... in Hell d'er are dozens and dozens of little trinket stores, but they all have the same little trinkets in dem.

  Congregation : [collective gasp of horror] 

• Jesus : [after Cartman's scheme had ended]  But Eric, I think this time, I need to teach you lesson. I'm sending you somewhere to think about your sins!

  Cartman : You're gonna send me to hell?

  Jesus : No, worse!

  [the next shot shows a bus dropping off Cartman to Mexico] 

  Kenny McCormick : [runs to him]  Eric! Eric!

  Cartman : AW, CRAP!

• [addressing the damned] 

  Hell Director : Hello, newcomers and welcome. Can everybody hear me? Hello?

  [taps microphone] 

  Hell Director : Can everybody... ok. Um, I am the Hell Director. Uh, it looks like we have 8,615 of you newbies today. And for those of you who were little confused: uh, you are dead; and this is Hell. So abbandon all hope and yadda-yadda-yadda. Uh, we are now going to start the orientation PROcess which will last about...

  Protestant : Hey, wait a minute. I shouldn't be here, I was a totally strick and devout Protestant. I thought we went to heaven.

  Hell Director : Yes, well, I'm afraid you are wrong.

  Soldier : I was a practicing Jehovah's Witness.

  Hell Director : Uh, you picked the wrong religion as well.

  Man from Crowd : Well who was right? Who gets in to Heaven?

  Hell Director : I'm afraid it was the MORmons. Yes, the MORmons were the correct answer.

  The Damned : Awwww...

• Cartman : Kenny said in hell people speak Spanish and the water there gives you diarrhea.