South Park (TV Series)

Cartmanland (2001)

Trey Parker: Stan Marsh, Eric Cartman, Uncle Stinky, Ned Gerblanski, Mr. Garrison, Investment Broker, Chris, Security Guard, Doctor, Nurse, Ticket Salesman, TV Announcer, Money Quest Presenter #1, Gracie's Employee, Park Patron, Hemorrhoid

Photos 

Quotes 

• Eric Cartman : [In a TV commercial]  Hey everybody, check out the all new Cartmanland! It's our gra-hand opening! Cartmanland has over a hundred fabulous rides, six rollercoasters, and tons of great surprises! And the best part is... *you* can't come! That's right, because at Cartmanland, only I, Eric Cartman, can get in. That means only I can ride the all new tornado twister, a rollercoaster that splashes in the water. Wow! It's the greatest amusement park in the Colorado area, and nobody can go! Especially Stan and Kyle! Hahaha! So come on down to Cartmanland now, but don't plan on getting past the parking lot, 'cause remember:

  [singing] 

  Eric Cartman : So much to do at Cartmanland, but you can't come!... especially you Stan and Kyle.

• Kyle Broflovski : What the hell are you doing, fatass?

  Eric Cartman : Not much, just taking my *one million dollars* out of the bank.

  [holds up a stack of banknotes] 

  Stan Marsh : [short silence]  Oh, my God. Kenny *wasn't* lying!

  Eric Cartman : Would you mind stepping aside, I got a purchase to make.

  Stan Marsh : Dude, can you loan me twenty bucks for a new jacket?

  Eric Cartman : Ha! If you need money you can get a job, Stan! No freeloaders are gonna take my hard-earned cash!

  Kyle Broflovski : Your grandmother left it to you, you didn't *earn* it!

  Eric Cartman : Didn't earn it? What about all the years I spent making grandma like me? All the wet, spit-filled kisses I put up with! The constant smell of aspirin and pee! Don't tell me I didn't earn it, you son of a bitch!

• Eric Cartman : Good riddance, you stupid park. You can all kiss my ass.

  [Afterward, three men in suits approach Cartman] 

  Frank Garrett : Excuse me. Eric Cartman?

  Eric Cartman : Yes?

  Frank Garrett : I'm Frank Garrett with the IRS. You haven't kept records of your income or payout and there is a $500,000 discrepancy. Seize the assets.

  Eric Cartman : [as the other agents are confiscating his money]  Hey! That's my money!

  Frank Garrett : There's also the lawsuit for the little boy who died in your park. The family's entitled to the rest of this.

  Eric Cartman : What? Kenny? But he dies all the time!

  Frank Garrett : You still owe $13,000 more than this, Mr. Cartman. We'll be seeing you in court.

  Eric Cartman : But you can't do that!

  Frank Garrett : We know how well your park is doing. You'll make it bad in no time.

  Eric Cartman : Mr. Foon! I changed my mind! I need the park to make my money back!

  Mr. Poon : No-ho-ho-way, Jose!

  Eric Cartman : But I'm getting sued and if I don't make my money back, I'll lose everything!

  Mr. Poon : I don't care, said Pierre, I'm from France.

  Eric Cartman : This can't be happening!

• Stan Marsh : [Stan and Kyle are playing with a Jennifer Lopez doll]  There you are, Jennifer Lopez! You've been most uncooperative, Miss Lopez!

  Kyle Broflovski : No! Please! I promise I'll never make another album OR movie!

  Stan Marsh : It's too late for that, Miss Lopez!

  Kyle Broflovski : Have mercy!

  [They blow up the doll] 

• [Kyle is in the hospital with an infected hemorrhoid] 

  Stan Marsh : Dude, you okay?

  Kyle Broflovski : Oh, I'm swell, Stan. I popped my hemorrhoid trying to climb the fence into Cartmanland and it got infected. I really need to go to the bathroom, but if I do, it will pop again and the pain will make me pass out. How are you?