- Eddie: Do you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns?
- Moe: [taking a lie detector test] No.
- [buzz]
- Moe: All right, maybe I did. But I didn't shoot him.
- [ding]
- Eddie: Checks out. Okay, sir. You're free to go.
- Moe: Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight.
- [buzz]
- Moe: A date.
- [buzz]
- Moe: Dinner with friends.
- [buzz]
- Moe: Dinner alone.
- [buzz]
- Moe: Watching TV alone.
- [buzz]
- Moe: All right! I'm going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog.
- [buzz]
- Moe: Sears catalog.
- [ding]
- Moe: Now would you unhook this already, please? I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment.
- [buzz]
- Kent Brockman: Dozens of people are gunned down each day, but until now, none of them was important. I'm Kent Brockman. At 3:00 PM Friday, local autocrat C. Montgomery Burns was shot, following a tense confrontation at town hall. He was taken to a hospital where he was pronounced dead. He was then taken to a better hospital where his condition was upgraded to "alive."
- Eddie: [after Wiggum wakes suddenly from his surrealistic dream] I had an idea, chief. Why don't we check out the suit that Burns was wearing?
- Chief Wiggum: Did you have the same backwards-talking dream with the flaming cards?
- Eddie: ...I'll drive.
- Mr. Burns: Officers, arrest the baby.
- Chief Wiggum: Yeah, right, pops. No jury in the world is going to convict a baby. Well, maybe Texas.
- [Smithers is at the police station after confessing to having shot Mr. Burns]
- Smithers: And when he planned to steal our sunlight, he crossed that line between everyday villainy and cartoonish super-villainy.
- Dr. Colossus: Bah! He was a rank amateur compared to... Dr. Colossus! AH-HA-HA, AH-HA-HA-HAAA...
- [Laughing maniacally, he presses a button on his belt, "Colosso-Boots" and the soles of his boots extend at super speed - ramming his head into the ceiling]
- Dr. Colossus: OW!
- [groans]
- Dr. Colossus: When is my lawyer coming?
- Sideshow Mel: I am Melvin Van Horn. And this is my associate, Herschel Krustofsky.
- Krusty the Clown: Hey-hey.
- Sideshow Mel: Officers, you have arrested an innocent man!
- Chief Wiggum: Really? Ah, jeez.
- [Opens cell door]
- Chief Wiggum: All right, Colossus, you're free to go. But stay away from Death Mountain.
- Dr. Colossus: But all my stuff is there.
- Lisa: [in Chief Wiggum's surrealistic dream, a la "Twin Peaks"] Chief Wiggum... Don't... Eat... The... Clues.
- [Wiggum looks down at his hand and sees he's holding a burning playing card. Lisa holds up a burning Ace]
- Lisa: This suit burns better... Look.
- Chief Wiggum: Come again?
- Lisa: Better... look... burns suit.
- Chief Wiggum: I'm not following you.
- Lisa: Burns's suit. Burns's suit.
- Chief Wiggum: What?
- Lisa: [normal voice] Look at Burns's suit! Sheesh!
- Tito Puente: Revenge? Of course! But why wound his body with bullets, when I can set his soul on fire with a slanderous mambo? Listen, if you will, to my revenge.
- [to his orchestra]
- Tito Puente: Uno, dos, tres!
- [music]
- Lead Vocalist: [singing] Wounds won't last long, but an insulting song Burns will always carry with him!/So I settle my score on the samba floor, with this vengeful Latin rhythm!/Burns!/Con el corazon de perro!/Senor Burns!/El diablo con dinero!/This may not surprise you, but all of us despise you/Please die, and fry in hell, you rotten, rich, old wretch!/Adios viejo!
- [music ends]
- Chief Wiggum: [applauding] Yeah! All right, okay! I believe you're innocent. Gee, I hope all the suspects are this much fun.
- Lisa: Nancy Drew says that all a person needs to solve a mystery is an inquisitive temperament and two good friends. And I've got an inquisitive temperament. Maybe I could help solve this.
- Dr. Nick Riviera: Hi everybody!
- Mr. Burns: [to the tune of "Hi Dr. Nick"] Ho-mer Simp-son!
- Dr. Nick Riviera: Okay, that was weird
- Groundskeeper Willie: I could ne'er have shot Burns. It's impossible for me to fire a pistol If you check me medical records, you'll see I have a crippling arthritis in me index fingers.
- [holds up his fingers, which are misshapen]
- Groundskeeper Willie: I got it from space invaders in 1977.
- Chief Wiggum: Oh yeah, that was a pretty addictive video game.
- Groundskeeper Willie: Video game?!
- [Smithers's memory clears, and he realizes he shot Jasper, not Mr. Burns]
- Smithers: So, instead of wounding an evil old man, I may have killed an innocent old man... that's much worse!
- Krusty the Clown: About fifty thousand volts worse, if you know what I mean!
- [imitates the sounds of an electric chair and sizzling flesh]
- Chief Wiggum: Homer Simpson, you're under arrest for attempted murder.
- Homer Simpson: D'OH!
- Chief Wiggum: Yeah, that's what they all say. They all say "d'oh".
- Seymour Skinner: Now, I did, I did go to the town meeting with the intention of ambushing Mr. Burns. After the meeting, I rushed to the bathroom to apply my camoflauge make-up...
- [Flashback: Skinner is standing in front of the men's room mirror]
- Seymour Skinner: Blast!
- [turns around, his face is made up like a woman's]
- Seymour Skinner: I took mother's make-up kit by mistake!
- [Superintendant Chalmers enters]
- Superintendent Chalmers: Oh! Uh, excuse me, ma'am.
- Seymour Skinner: Superintendent Chalmers!
- Superintendent Chalmers: Oh, my God...
- [outside, they hear a gunshot; cut back to the present]
- Chief Wiggum: So Superintendent Chalmers can vouch for your whereabouts?
- Seymour Skinner: Oh, yes... But anything else he tells you is a filthy lie.
- Homer Simpson: [holding a gun to Mr. Burns' head] Say it, Burns! Say I never shot you!
- [realizes that he's about to shoot him]
- Homer Simpson: [calmly] Before.
- Marge Simpson: Grampa, I found your cigar box dug up in the backyard, but the gun wasn't there. Have you seen it?
- Grampa: You accuse me of everything around here! "Who put slippers in the dishwasher? Who threw a cane at the TV? Who fell into the china hutch?"
- Marge Simpson: I was just asking if you'd seen it. There's no need to be a prickly pear.
- [Marge leaves the room. Grampa pulls out his Smith & Wesson revolver and caresses it]
- Grampa: Oh, you're the bee's knees, baby. I missed you bad...
- Marge Simpson: [returning] Were you talking to me, Grampa?
- Grampa: [hiding the gun] Uh... yes.
- Marge Simpson: [shudders] Ugh.
- Lisa Simpson: Don't shoot my dad! He's innocent. He wouldn't hurt a fly!
- Montgomery Burns: [opening the door, she and Wiggum see Homer shaking Burns] Ho-mer Simp-son! Ho-mer Simp-son!
- Homer Simpson: Stop telling them it was me! I'll kill you for saying it was me.
- Montgomery Burns: What is the meaning of this? Smithers, who is this beast that's shaking me?
- Chief Wiggum: This is gonna be an all night brain buster. Better drink some coffee.
- [Scoots over to the coffee machine in his swivel chair]
- Chief Wiggum: Oh, we're out of coffee. Well, I'll just drink this warm cream.
- [Drinks it and promptly falls asleep]
- [Smithers sits in a confessional]
- Smithers: Father, I'm not a Catholic. I tried to march in the St. Patrick's day parade but... anyway, I've got a rather large sin to confess. I'm the one who...
- [breaks down sobbing]
- Smithers: Who shot Mr. Burns!
- [Chief Wiggum opens the screen and cocks his pistol]
- Chief Wiggum: That's all I needed to hear. Boy, this thing works great.
- Mr. Burns: Smithers had thwarted my earlier attempt to take candy from a baby, but with him out of the picture, I was free to wallow in my own crapulence.
- Mr. Burns: Homer Simpson?
- Homer Simpson: So, you finally learned my name eh?
- Mr. Burns: [shaking his head] Homer Simpson.
- Homer Simpson: I've got no time for your demented parlor games! You won't be telling anyone else that Homer Simpson shot you.
- Lisa: Nancy Drew says that all you need to solve a mystery is an inquisitive temperament and two good friends. And I've got an inquisitive temperament. Maybe I could help solve this.
- Marge Simpson: Mmm... I think you're a little young to be investigating an attempted murder. Why don't you try to solve the mystery of who put that mud in the freezer?
- Bart: Who wants chocolate ice cream?
- Homer Simpson: Me, me, me!
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