- Grampa: [the FBI breaks in looking for Mother Simpson] All right! I admit it! I'm the Lindbergh baby! Wah wah! Goo goo! I miss my fly-fly dada!
- Joe Friday: Are you stalling for time, or are you just senile?
- Grampa: A little from column A, a little from column B.
- Mother Simpson: Abe?
- Abe Simpson: What the? Now, here's a piece of bad news.
- Mother Simpson: Oh, Abe! You've aged terribly.
- Abe Simpson: What do you expect? You left me to raise the boy on my own!
- Mother Simpson: I had to leave! But you didn't have to tell Homer I was dead!
- Abe Simpson: It was either that or tell him his mother was a wanted criminal! You were a horrible wife, a horrible mother, and I'll never forgive you! Can we have sex?
- Chief Wiggum: [reading a tombstone, talks into his "radio"] Put out an APB on a Uosdwis R Dewoh. Uh, better start with Greektown.
- Joe Friday: That's Homer J Simpson, chief. You're reading it upside down.
- Chief Wiggum: Uh, cancel that APB. But, uh, bring back some of them, uh, gyros.
- Joe Friday: Uh, chief, you're talking into your wallet.
- [Chief Wiggum's wallet flips open]
- [kicking Walt Whitman's tombstone]
- Homer: Damn you, Walt Whitman! I-hate-you-Walt-freaking-Whitman! "Leaves of Grass", my ass!
- [last lines]
- Homer: Don't forget me.
- Mona Simpson: [preparing to leave] Remember, Homer, wherever I go, you'll always be a part of me.
- [she turns to the van and hits her forehead]
- Mona Simpson: D'oh!
- [she leaves, Homer waves goodbye, and stargazes all through the night]
- Mr. Burns: [in a tanker] I've been waiting 25 years for this moment.
- [puts an audio tape in which starts playing Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries" but then abruptly changes to ABBA's "Waterloo"]
- Waylon Smithers: I'm sorry, sir. I must've taped over that.
- Joe Friday: Are you sure this is the woman you saw in the post office?
- Mr. Burns: Absolutely! Who could forget such a monstrous visage? She has the sloping brow and cranial bumpage of the career criminal.
- Waylon Smithers: Uh, Sir? Phrenology was dismissed as quackery 160 years ago.
- Mr. Burns: Of course you'd say that... you have the brainpan of a stagecoach tilter!
- Reverend Lovejoy: Marge, we can't tell you how sorry we are.
- Ned Flanders: You have our deepest condol-diddly-olences. I'm sorry. I-I'm just nervous. I didn't mean any disrespect.
- Marge: What are you talking about?
- Ned Flanders: You know, uh...
- [Marge stares blankly]
- Ned Flanders: Homer's passing.
- [another blank stare]
- Ned Flanders: Away.
- [another blank stare]
- Ned Flanders: Into death.
- Marge: What?
- [taking a newspaper from Rev. Lovejoy]
- Marge: That's ridiculous. Homer's not dead. He's right out back in the hammock.
- [leading them to the back yard, they see the hammock is empty]
- Ned Flanders: Oh, Marge, of course Homer's alive. He's alive in all our hearts.
- Maude Flanders: Yes, Marge. I can see him.
- Lisa: [skipping by] Hi, everybody.
- Reverend Lovejoy: Marge, I'm gonna give you the card of our juvenile counselor.
- Homer: [Upon meeting his mother] I thought you were dead!
- Mother Simpson: I thought *you* were dead!
- Gravedigger: [near a coffin] Oh, dang blast it! Isn't anybody in this dad gummed cemetery DEAD?
- Hans Moleman: [emerging from the coffin that is descending] I didn't want to cause a fuss, but now that you mention it...
- Lenny: [Lenny and Carl watch appears to be Homer go over the falls when "Homer" snags a tree branch] Oh good! He snagged that tree branch!
- Carl: Oh no!
- [the branch breaks]
- Carl: The branch broke off!
- Lenny: Oh good! He can grab onto them pointy rocks!
- Carl: Oh NO! Them rocks broke his arms and LEGS!
- [said rocks break the fake Homer's arms and legs, then beavers swim in]
- Lenny: Oh good! Those helpful beavers are swimming out to save him!
- [the beavers bite into the fake Homer instead]
- Carl: Oh no! They're biting him, and stealing his PANTS!
- Waylon Smithers: Good Lord... he'll be sucked into the turbine!
- [the Fake Homer spins until it is sucked in and cut up]
- Mother Simpson: I saw all your awards, Lisa. They're mighty impressive.
- Lisa: Oh, I just keep them out to bug Bart.
- Mother Simpson: Don't be bashful. When I was your age, kids made fun of me because I read at the ninth-grade level.
- Lisa: Me, too!
- Homer: [doing a walking handstand] Hey, Mom, look at me! Look at what I can do!
- Mother Simpson: I see you, Homer. That's very nice. Although I hardly consider "A Separate Peace" the ninth-grade level.
- Lisa: Yeah, more like preschool.
- Mother Simpson: I hate John Knowles.
- Lisa: Me, too.
- [they share a laugh and sigh]
- Homer: Mom, you're not looking!
- Mother Simpson: You know, Lisa, I feel like I have an instant rapport with you.
- Lisa: [excited gasp] You didn't dumb it down. You said "rapport".
- Grampa: [watching Joe Namath at the Super Bowl] Look at them sideburns. He looks like a girl. Now, Johnny Unitas, there's a haircut you could set your watch to.
- Homer: [listening to his mother's story of why she abandoned him] There's one thing I don't understand. In all those years, why didn't you ever try to contact me?
- Mother Simpson: But I did. I sent you a care package every week.
- Homer: Oh, come on, Mom. We use that same line on the kids when they're at camp.
- Mother Simpson: But I did. I really did. I'll prove it to you.
- Homer: [cut to them at the post office] Any undelivered mail for Homer J. Simpson?
- Post Office Clerk: No. Oh, wait. This.
- [putting a mailbag full of packages on the counter]
- Post Office Clerk: That's what happens when you don't tip your letter carrier at Christmas.
- [on being reunited with his grandmother]
- Bart Simpson: Hey! You missed my entire childhood! You owe me for missed birthdays, Christmas, Kwanzaa, and good report cards.
- [punching numbers on a calculator]
- Bart Simpson: Let's see, 75 bucks a pop, with interest and penalties. You owe me... $22,000.
- Homer: [enraged] I'll Kwanzaa you!
- [starts strangling Bart]
- Mr. Burns: Smithers, who was that corpse?
- Waylon Smithers: [choking up] Homer Simpson, sir. One of the finest, bravest men ever to grace Sector 7-G.
- [normal voice]
- Waylon Smithers: I'll cross him off the list.
- Lisa: There's something fishy about Grandma. Whenever we ask her where she's been all this time, she changes the subject. And just now when a police car drove by, she ran into the house.
- Bart: Yeah, I don't trust her, either. When I was going through her purse, look what I found.
- Lisa: [flipping through a stack of driver's licenses] "Mona Simpson. Mona Stevens. Martha Stewart. Penelope Olsen. Muddy Mae Suggins." These are the calling cards of a con artist.
- Marge: Mother Simpson, we'd like to ask you a few questions about your past.
- Mother Simpson: Can't reminisce. Sleeping.
- Bart: [she pretends to fall asleep] Spill it, Muddy Mae, or we're calling the cops!
- Mother Simpson: Please don't.
- Lisa: All right, then we'll call your husband: Grandpa.
- Mother Simpson: No! I'll talk. I'll tell you everything.
- Marge: [because of a prank, the town residents all think Homer has died] A tombstone?
- Patty Bouvier: It came with the burial plot. But that's not important. The important thing is Homer's dead.
- Selma Bouvier: We've been saving for this since your wedding day.
- Marge: [slamming the door in their faces] Get out of here, you *ghouls*! Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi.
- [the power goes out]
- Marge: Huh?
- [sticking her head out the kitchen window]
- Marge: Uh, excuse me. Sir, I think there's been a mistake.
- Electrician: [up on a utility pole] Oh, no. No mistake. Your electricity's in the name of Homer J. Simpson, deceased. The juice stays off 'til you get a job or a generator. Oh, and, uh, my deepest sympathies.
- Mother Simpson: [recounting the neutralization of Mr. Burns' germ laboratory] From that moment on, my life as I knew it was over.
- Kent Brockman: [cut to her watching the news] Only one member of the Springfield Seven was identified. She's been described as a woman in her early 30s, yellow complexion, and may be extremely helpful. For Channel Six News, I'm Kenny Brockelstein.
- Mother Simpson: [entering Homer's room where he sleeps] Homer?
- [kissing his forehead, then leaving]
- Mother Simpson: I'll miss you, Homer.
- Homer: I thought I dreamed that kiss.
- Marge: I'm so sorry I misjudged you, Mom. You had to leave to protect your family.
- Lisa: How did you survive?
- Mother Simpson: Oh, I had help from my friends in the underground. Jerry Rubin gave me a job marking his line of health shakes. I proofread Bobby Seale's cookbook, and I ran credit checks at Tom Hayden's Porsche dealership.
- Homer: My name is Homer J. Simpson. You guys think I'm dead, but I'm not. Now, I want you to straighten this out without a lot of your bureaucratic red tape and mumbo jumbo.
- Records Clerk: [correcting his database] Okay, Mr. Simpson, I'll just make the change here... and you're all set.
- Homer: I don't like your attitude, you water-cooler dictator. What do you have in that secret government file, anyway? I have a right to read it.
- Records Clerk: [turning the monitor around] You sure do.
- Homer: "Wife: Marjorie. Children: Bartholomew, Lisa..." Aha! See? This thing is all screwed up. Who the heck is "Margaret" Simpson?
- Records Clerk: Uh, your youngest daughter.
- Homer: [childishly mimicking him] "Uh, your youngest daughter." Well, how about this? This thing says my mother's still alive! She died when I was a kid!
- Mona Simpson: [putting Homer to bed] Abe, isn't Homer cute?
- Grampa: [indifferently] Probably. I'm trying to watch the Super Bowl. If people don't support this thing, it might not make it.
- Homer: I'm so glad to have my mom back. I never realized how much I missed her.
- Marge: She's nice.
- Homer: But?
- Marge: I just don't think you should get too excited about the woman who abandoned you for 25 years. You could get hurt again.
- Homer: First, it wasn't 25 years. It was 27 years. And second, she had a very good reason.
- Marge: Which was?
- Homer: I don't know. I guess I was just a horrible son and no mother would want me.
- Marge: Oh, Homie. Come on, you're a sweet, kind, loving man. I'm sure you were a wonderful son.
- Homer: Then why did she leave me?
- Marge: Let's find out.
- Mr. Burns: Yes, I'd like to send this letter to the Prussian consulate in Siam by aeromail. Am I too late for the 4:30 auto-gyro?
- Squeaky-Voiced Teen: Uh... I better look in the manual.
- Mr. Burns: Oh, the ignorance.
- [spotting Mona with Homer]
- Mr. Burns: Wait a minute. I know that woman. But from when, and in what capacity?
- [gasping in recognition as he sees her wanted poster on the wall]
- Mr. Burns: It's her. At last.
- Squeaky-Voiced Teen: This book must be out of date. I don't see Prussia, Siam, or auto-gyro.
- Mr. Burns: Well, keep looking.
- Bart: Hey! Since you were a no-show at all the big moments of my life, you own me years of back presents! Christmases, birthdays, easters, kwanzaas, good report cards. Hmm, 75 bucks a pop plus interest and penalties. You own me... $22,000.
- Bart: Look at me, grandma. I'm a hippie. Peace, man. Groovy. Bomb vietnam! Four more years! Up with people.
- Howard Cosell: Joe Willie Namath swaggering off the field... his sideburns an apogee of sculpted "sartorium"- the foppish follicles pioneered by Ambrose Burnside...