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- [Chief Wiggum and Mayor Quimby are reviewing the town charter]
- Chief Wiggum: Hey, according to the charter, as chief constable, I'm supposed to get a pig every month!
- [reads]
- Chief Wiggum: And "two comely lasses of virtue true".
- Mayor Quimby: Keep the pig. How many broads do I get?
- [pulls the charter away]
- Chief Wiggum: Hey, hey, hey! Let go, you're rippin' it!
- Mayor Quimby: No, you are!
- Chief Wiggum: No, you are!
- Mayor Quimby: Let go; that's the charter!
- [the out-of-control Monorail has been temporarily halted by a solar eclipse]
- Leonard Nimoy: A solar eclipse. The cosmic ballet goes on.
- Man: [sitting next to Leonard Nimoy and starting to get a little freaked out by him] Does anyone want to switch seats?
- [whistle sounds; Homer slides down the power plant into his car, drives away, and sings to the tune of "The Flintstones"]
- Homer: Simpson, Homer Simpson. He's the greatest guy in history. From the town of Springfield, he's about to hit a chestnut tree. AAH!
- [crashes into a chestnut tree]
- Marge Simpson: [Marge opens a closet in the monorail] Homer, there's a family of opossums in here!
- Homer: I call the big one Bitey.
- Mayor Quimby: And now, I'd like to turn things over to our Grand Marshall, Mr. Leonard Nimoy.
- Leonard Nimoy: [referring to the monorail] I'd say this vessel could do at least Warp Five.
- [crowd laughs]
- Mayor Quimby: And let me say, "May the Force be with you."
- Leonard Nimoy: [annoyed] Do you even know who I am?
- Mayor Quimby: I think I do. Weren't you one of the Little Rascals?
- Montgomery Burns: [very badly disguised with a fake moustache] Hello, my name is Mr. Snrub. And I come from, uh... someplace far away.
- Montgomery Burns: [to himself] Yes, that'll do.
- Montgomery Burns: [back to Mayor Quimby] Anyway, I say we invest that money back in the nuclear plant.
- Waylon Smithers: I like the way Snrub thinks.
- [everyone looks suspiciously at Mr. Burns, then Smithers fires a rope a the roof, helping Mr. Burns to escape]
- Mayor Quimby: All right, I'm in charge here.
- Chief Wiggum: Oh, run along, Quimby. I think they're dedicating a phone booth somewhere.
- Mayor Quimby: Watch it, you talking tub of donut batter.
- Chief Wiggum: Hey, I got pictures of you, Quimby.
- Mayor Quimby: You don't scare me, that could be anyone's ass. Now beat it! I'm calling the shots.
- Chief Wiggum: I think that sash is cutting off the air to your brain! The town charter says, in an emergency I run the show!
- Mayor Quimby: Well, we'll just see about that! Let's go to Town Hall!
- Chief Wiggum: Fine!
- [then]
- Chief Wiggum: Should we take one car, or should I follow you?
- Marge: My name is Marge Simpson and I have an idea. It may sound a little boring at first.
- Mayor Quimby: Chat away. I'll just amuse myself with some pornographic playing cards.
- Airline Pilot: [over PA] Folks, this is your captain speaking. Our nonstop flight to Tahiti will be making a brief layover in North Haverbrook.
- Lyle Lanely: [sitting in first class, sipping a martini] North Haverbrook... where have I heard that name before?
- [realizes]
- Lyle Lanely: Oh, no... OH, NO!
- North Haverbrook Man: [as the plane lands] There he is! Seat 3-F!
- [as soon as the plane touches down, a lynch mob rushes on board]
- Lyle Lanely: [begins to chant rhythmically] Well sir, there's nothing on Earth like a genuine, bona-fide, electrified, six-car monorail! What'd I say?
- [points at Ned Flanders]
- Ned Flanders: Monorail!
- Lyle Lanely: What's it called?
- Patty Bouvier, Selma Bouvier: Monorail.
- Lyle Lanely: That's right, monorail!
- [runs up to the stage, the crowd begins chanting]
- Crowd: Monorail. Monorail. Monorail.
- [continues underneath those who speak]
- Miss Hoover: I hear those things are awfully loud.
- Lyle Lanely: [playing the piano on stage] It glides as softly as a cloud.
- Apu: Is there a chance the track could bend?
- Lyle Lanely: Not on your life, my Hindu friend.
- Barney Gumble: What about us brain-dead slobs?
- Lyle Lanely: You'll be given cushy jobs.
- Grampa Simpson: Were you sent here by the devil?
- Lyle Lanely: No, good sir, I'm on the level.
- Chief Wiggum: The ring came off my pudding can.
- Lyle Lanely: Take my pen knife, my good man. I swear, it's Springfield's only choice! Throw up your hands and raise your voice!
- Crowd: [singing] Monorail...
- Lyle Lanely: [speaking] What's it called?
- Crowd: [singing] Monorail...
- Lyle Lanely: Once again!
- Crowd: [still singing] Monoraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaail!
- Marge: And that was the only folly the people of Springfield ever took on... Except for the Popsicle stick skyscraper, and that 50 ft magnifying glass, and the escalator to nowhere.
- [people yelping as they fall off of the escalator]
- Leonard Nimoy: My job here is done.
- Barney Gumble: What do you mean? You didn't do anything.
- Leonard Nimoy: [chuckles] Didn't I?
- [gets "beamed" away, a la "Star Trek"]
- Sebastian Kobb: [showing Marge North Haverbrook's monorail] This is all that's left of one of the crappiest trains ever built.
- Marge Simpson: [worried] Mr Kobb, what can we do?
- Sebastian Kobb: You just better have a damn good conductor.
- [cuts to the monorail where Homer is clattering a metal wire over the monorail door]
- Homer: Ohh, I locked my keys in there!
- [to Bart]
- Homer: Get a rock.
- [as the monorail speeds out of control]
- Krusty the Clown: Krusty wants out!
- [He wrenches open the door and starts to drop to his death]
- Leonard Nimoy: [pulls him back] No! The world needs laughter.
- Mayor Quimby: Order! Please rise for the Pledge of Allegiance.
- Homer: Get to the money!
- Mayor Quimby: In a moment. First, let's review the minutes from our last meeting.
- Apu: Get to the money!
- Rev. Lovejoy: Get to the money!
- Grampa Simpson: Get to the moneeey!
- Mayor Quimby: Very well. We will now hear suggestions for the disbursement of the $2 million.
- Lisa Simpson: Don't you mean $3 million?
- Mayor Quimby: ...Of course. How silly of me.
- Sebastian Kobb: [to Homer, over radio] I think I have a way to stop the train. You need to find an anchor of some sort.
- [Homer looks at Bart, and imagines him as an anchor]
- Bart: Think harder, Homer.
- [Suggestions on how to spend Mr. Burns' $3 million]
- Apu: Pardon me, but I would like to see this money spent on more police officers. I have been shot eight times this year, and as a result, I almost missed work.
- Chief Wiggum: Crybaby.
- Marge Simpson: Well, I think we should spend the money on something the whole town can be proud of.
- Homer: Like a giant billboard that says "No fat chicks"?
- Marge Simpson: No.
- Homer: [driving the car with a giant piano strapped to the top, therefore the total weight seriously damaging the road] Whoo-hoo! Look at that pavement fly!
- TV announcer: Coming soon, it's "Truckasaurus: The Movie", starring Marlon Brando as the voice of John Truckasaurus.
- John Truckasaurus: You crazy car, I don't know whether to eat you or kiss you.
- [beat]
- TV disclaimer: Celebrity voice impersonated.
- Lyle Lanely: You know, a town with money is a little like the mule with the spinning wheel. No one knows how he got it and danged if he knows how to use it.
- [crowd laughs]
- Homer: He heh... mule.
- Lyle Lanely: The name's Lanely! Lyle Lanely. And I come before you good people tonight with an idea. Probably the greatest... Aw, it's not for you. It's more of a Shelbyville idea.
- [starts to walk out of the room]
- Mayor Quimby: [at the podium] Now wait just a minute! We're twice as smart as the people of Shelbyville. You just tell us your idea and we'll vote for it!
- Lyle Lanely: All right. I'll tell you what I'll do! I'll show you my idea.
- [runs over to a display covered by a sheet, and he whips it off, revealing a diorama of Springfield with a monorail model going through it]
- Lyle Lanely: I give you the Springfield Monorail!
- [crowd gasps]
- Lyle Lanely: I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook, and by gum I've put them on the map!
- [holds up a map of the U.S. with those towns' names drawn on with pen]
- Maude Flanders: Excuse me, we could use the money to hire fireman to finally put out that blaze on the east side of town.
- Homer: Boring!
- [about the $3 million fined from Mr. Burns]
- Lisa Simpson: Oh, what a boon it could be for our underfunded public schools.
- [in Lisa's fantasy]
- Miss Hoover: Children, it's time for your history lesson. Put on your virtual reality helmets.
- [the children do]
- Genghis Khan: Hmm, excellent... hello, Lisa! I'm Genghis Khan! You'll go where I go, defile what I defile, eat who I eat!
- Miss Hoover: Thank you for coming, Mr. Lanley. I'm Miss Hoover.
- Miss Hoover: MISS Hoover? That is hard to believe!
- Miss Hoover: Oh, you. Ho, ho!
- Lyle Lanely: Now, I'm here to answer any questions you children have about the monorail.
- [kids raise their hands and call out "Me! Me!"]
- Ralph Wiggum: Can it outrun The Flash?
- Lyle Lanely: You bet!
- Child in Lisa's Class: Can Superman outrun The Flash?
- Lyle Lanely: Eh - sure, why not. Hello, little girl! Wondering if your dolly can ride the monorail for free?
- Lisa Simpson: Hardly. I'd like you to explain why we should build a mass-transit system in a small town with a centralized population.
- Lyle Lanely: Ha, ha! Young lady, that's the most intelligent question I've ever been asked.
- Lisa Simpson: Really?
- Lyle Lanely: Oh, I could give you an answer. But the only ones who'd understand it would be you and me - and that includes your teacher!
- [Lisa giggles, flattered]
- Lyle Lanely: Next question - you there, eating the paste.
- [Chief Wiggum and Mayor Quimby are reviewing the town charter]
- Chief Wiggum: Hey, according to the charter, as chief constable, I'm supposed to get a pig every month!
- [reads]
- Chief Wiggum: And "two comely lasses of virtue true".
- Mayor Quimby: Keep the pig. How many broads do I get?
- [pulls the charter away]
- Chief Wiggum: Hey, hey, hey! Let go, you're rippin' it!
- Mayor Quimby: No, you are!
- Chief Wiggum: No, you are!
- Mayor Quimby: Let go; that's the charter!
- Judge Snyder: Mr. Burns, in light of your unbelievable contempt for human life, this court fines you $3million.
- Montgomery Burns: Smithers, my wallet's in my right front pocket.
- [Smithers hands over the money]
- Montgomery Burns: Oh, and I'll take that statue of justice too.
- Judge Snyder: Sold!
- Kent Brockman: [to the TV camera] Here's country singing sensation Lurleen Lumpkin, fresh from her latest day at the Betty Ford Clinic.
- [to Lurleen]
- Kent Brockman: What you been up to Lurleen?
- Lurleen Lumpkin: I spent last night in the ditch.
- Kent Brockman: [to the TV camera] How about that, folks?
- Marge Simpson: My name is Marge Simpson, and I have an idea. It may sound a little boring at first.
- Mayor Quimby: Chat away. I'll just amuse myself with some pornographic playing cards.
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