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- Homer Simpson: Okay, we've got the secret vigilante handshake. Now, we need code names. I'll be Cue-ball, Skinner can be Eight-ball, Barney will be Twelve-ball, and Moe, you can be Cue-ball.
- Moe Szyslak: You're an idiot.
- Kent Brockman: Mr. Simpson, how do you respond to the charges that petty vandalism such as graffiti is down eighty percent, while heavy sack beatings are up a shocking nine hundred percent?
- Homer Simpson: Aw, you can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. Forfty percent of all people know that.
- Kent Brockman: I see. Well, what do you say to the accusation that your group has been causing more crimes than it's been preventing?
- Homer Simpson: Oh, Kent, I'd be lying if I said my men weren't committing crimes.
- Kent Brockman: [pause] Well, touché.
- Kent Brockman: Professor, without knowing precisely what the danger is, would you say it's time for our viewers to crack each other's heads open and feast on the goo inside?
- Professor: Yes I would, Kent.
- Homer: So I said, "Look buddy, your car was upside-down when I got here. And as for your grandmother, she shouldn't have mouthed off like that."
- Jimbo Jones: Hey, you're that drunken posse. Wow! Can I join ya?
- Homer Simpson: I don't know, can you swing a sack of doorknobs?
- Jimbo Jones: Can I!
- Homer Simpson: You're in. Here's the sack!
- Moe Szyslak: But you gotta supply your own knobs!
- Lisa Simpson: Dad! There was a burglar, and he took my saxophone!
- Homer Simpson: Woo-hoo!
- Bart Simpson: And our portable TV!
- Homer Simpson: D'oh!
- Marge Simpson: He also took my pearl necklace.
- Homer Simpson: Eh, that's no big loss.
- Marge Simpson: Homer, that neckless was a priceless Bouvier family heirloom!
- Homer Simpson: You've probably got a whole drawer full of those things.
- Marge Simpson: [Opens a drawer, pulls out a ball made of identical necklaces, removes one from the ball and puts it on] Well, yes I do. But they're all heirlooms too.
- Homer Simpson: It's time to clean up this town!
- Seymour Skinner: Meaning what, exactly?
- Homer Simpson: You know, push people around, make ourselves feel big.
- Homer Simpson: Okay, we've got the secret vigilante handshake. Now, we need code names. I'll be Cue-ball, Skinner can be Eight-ball, Barney will be Twelve-ball, and Moe, you can be Cue-ball.
- Moe Szyslak: You're an idiot.
- Seymour Skinner: Any sign of the burglar yet?
- Homer Simpson: He'll show.
- Seymour Skinner: How's that?
- Homer Simpson: It's his job.
- Seymour Skinner: How's that?
- Homer Simpson: He's a burglar.
- [they nod at one another as the theme music from "Dragnet" plays]
- Kent Brockman: 'Twas the night before Christmas, and in this house a creature *was* stirring. But the only thing he was stirring was: up trouble.
- [looking at a board marking the cat burglar's victimized houses]
- Chief Wiggum: What do you think of this, boys?
- Eddie: Well, it doesn't look like anything, but if you move these two here, and this one here...
- Chief Wiggum: It almost looks like an arrow.
- Lou: And it's pointing right at this police station.
- Chief Wiggum: Let's get out of here!
- [everyone runs]
- Apu: [Camped out on top of the Kwik-E-Mart with a shotgun, taking shots at customers that pull up] Thank you for coming! I'll see you in Hell!
- Homer Simpson: So, Mr. Malloy, it seems that the cat has been caught by the very person who was trying to catch him.
- Seymour Skinner: How ironic.
- Homer Simpson: All right: these are our new family security rules. Be home before dark, and make sure you're not followed. Lock all doors and windows.
- Marge Simpson: And don't take candy from strangers.
- Homer Simpson: Marge, they're only human!
- Kent Brockman: Well, it looks like we have our first caller. And I mean ever, because this is not a call-in show.
- Jimbo Jones: You let me down, man! Now I don't believe in nothing, no more! I'm going to law school!
- Homer: NOOOOOOOOO!
- Lisa Simpson: [after their house is robbed] We are insured, aren't we, Mom?
- Marge Simpson: Homer, tell your child what you bought when I sent you to town to get some insurance.
- Homer: Mm...
- [shaking his fist at a jar]
- Homer: Curse you, magic beans!
- Marge Simpson: Oh, stop blaming the beans.
- Grampa: [at Flanders' neighborhood watch meeting] I'll join! I'm filled with piss and vinegar. At first, I was just filled with vinegar.
- Homer: Hmm, sorry, Dad. You're too old.
- Grampa: [sputtering] Too old? Why, that just means I have experience! Who chased the Irish out of Springfield Village in aught-four? Me! That's who.
- Irish Man: And a fine job you did, too.
- Homer: Aw, Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man now, and old people are useless.
- [tickling him]
- Homer: Aren't they? Aren't they? Huh? Yes, they are! Yes, they are!
- Grampa: [laughing, then stopping him] Stop it! It's a form of abuse!
- Bart Simpson: The burglar even took my stamp collection.
- Lisa Simpson: *You* had a stamp collection?
- [as the family laughs, Bart picks up the ringing phone receiver]
- Nelson Muntz: Stamp collection? Ha-ha!
- Lisa Simpson: Ohh. Bart's pain is funny, but mine isn't. That saxophone was my one creative outlet. It was the only way I could truly express myself.
- Homer: Shh! Quiet, Lisa.
- Malloy: Homer, old chap, well done. If anyone was going to catch me, I'm glad it was you.
- Homer Simpson: Actually, it wasn't me, it was my dad, Grampa.
- Abe Simpson: Thanks, Son. So you see, old people aren't so useless after all. Malloy's old, and he outsmarted the lot of you. And I'm even older and I outsmarted him! Ah ha ha ha...
- Moe Szyslak: Shut up.
- Abe Simpson: [meekly] I've had my moment.
- Homer: [Lisa cries over her stolen saxophone] Oh, honey, I didn't realize how much that horn meant to you. Don't worry. Daddy's gonna get it back. I don't know how, but I'll figure out something.
- Chief Wiggum: We have a major break in the case. We recovered the burglar's handkerchief from one of the crime scenes. Now, one sniff of this baby, and our tracking dog will be hot on his trail. Gosh, look at me. I'm sweatin' like a pig here.
- [absent-mindedly wiping himself with the handkerchief]
- Chief Wiggum: Ah. Oh, man. That's better.
- [offering it to the dog]
- Chief Wiggum: All right, get the scent, boy. Come on, get the scent. Now kill!
- [the dog attacks him]
- Chief Wiggum: Hey!
- [as he falls off the stage, reporters begin taking pictures]
- Chief Wiggum: Ah, my jugular! Ah! Ooh! Any questions?
- Kent Brockman: When cat burglaries start, can mass murders be far behind? This reporter isn't saying that the burglar is an inhuman monster like the Wolfman, but he very well could be. So, professor, would you say it's time for everyone to panic?
- Professor: Yes, I would, Kent.
- Homer: We don't need a thinker, we need a doer. Someone who'll act without considering the consequences.
- Marge Simpson: I don't think the guns are a good idea.
- Homer: Marge! We're responsible adults.
- Moe Szyslak: [gunshot] Whoops.
- Homer: And if a group of responsible adults can't handle firearms in a responsible way...
- Captain McCallister: [gunshot] Sorry.
- Principal Skinner: [gunshot] Uh-oh.
- Moe Szyslak: [gunshot] Me again.
- Bart Simpson: [gunshot] Sorry.
- Marge Simpson: Homer, wasn't the whole point to catch the Cat Burglar?
- Lisa Simpson: And I still don't have my saxophone.
- Homer Simpson: Lisa, the mob is working on getting your saxophone back. But we've also expanded into other important areas. Literacy programs, preserving our beloved covered bridges, world domination...
- Lisa Simpson: World domination?
- Homer Simpson: Oh ho, heh, that might be a typo.
- [thinks]
- Homer Simpson: Mental note: the girl knows too much.
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What is the Spanish language plot outline for Homer the Vigilante (1994)?
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