- Homer Simpson: The Internet wasn't created for mockery. It was supposed to help researchers at different universities share data sets. It was!
- Homer Simpson: [being asked to produce the Super Bowl halftime show] At last, my pathetic little life has a meaning.
- [giggling]
- Homer Simpson: You suckers! I would've done it for free!
- Rich Texan: Fine, do it for free.
- Homer Simpson: Damn it! Well, I'll still do it.
- [chuckling]
- Homer Simpson: Suckers. I would've paid you.
- Rich Texan: Fine, pay us.
- Homer Simpson: Oh, damn it! Will you take a check?
- Rich Texan: No!
- Homer Simpson: Damn it!
- Comic Book Guy: [watching Homer do a victory dance] He makes me look cool. And cool I am not. May I upload your footage onto my website?
- Ned Flanders: Well, sir, I don't think we've ever met.
- Comic Book Guy: My name is Jeff Albertson, but everyone calls me Comic Book Guy.
- Ned Flanders: Well, I'll just call you friend.
- [giving him the tape]
- Ned Flanders: Here's your tape... friend.
- Marge Simpson: Ned, there's more to the Bible than blood and gore.
- Ned Flanders: Oh, I-I guess you'd rather see a film about a liberal European wizard school, or-or the latest sexcapade of Ms. Ashley Judd.
- Marge Simpson: Well, I don't like *this* movie, and I'm going to boycott your financier, Mr. Burns.
- Mr. Burns: Oh, really? And what will you use instead of nuclear power?
- Marge Simpson: Solar.
- Lenny: Hydroelectric.
- Moe Szyslak: A mix of conservation and wind.
- Mr. Burns: Who told you about those?
- Carl Carlson: A talking tree in a commercial.
- Ned Flanders: Now, boys, we're gonna film the world's first, and some would say best, murder mystery: the story of Cain and Abel.
- Todd Flanders: Daddy, if Cain and Abel were Adam and Eve's only children, how did they make more babies?
- Rod Flanders: Did they make babies with their mother? Or with each other?
- Ned Flanders: Your mouth is hopin' for a soapin', boy. Now stop asking silly questions and go kill your brother!
- Mr. Burns: [Flanders' filmed dramatization of the Cain and Abel story is a hit] Smithers, we could make a fortune with these Bible pictures. And I've been looking for a way to launder the money I made selling club soda as flu vaccine.
- LeBron James: Omelets for dinner? This is the best day of my life!
- Lisa Simpson: Didn't you just sign a $90 million contract?
- LeBron James: That was a good day, too.
- Carl Carlson: Hey, Lovejoy, you could take a lesson from Flanders; you know, inject your services with a little razzle-dazzle.
- Rev. Lovejoy: Oh, I already do, if by "razzle" you mean "piety" and by "dazzle" you mean "Scriptural accuracy."
- Carl Carlson: [to his friend Lenny] What a tool.
- Marge Simpson: [seeing Flanders shooting a new movie] Oh, my. Ned's next movie seems even bloodier than the last one.
- Ned Flanders: [as Lou whips Hans Moleman] Now, there's no need to actually whip him. We can put the sound in later.
- Mr. Burns: No! As your financial backer, I insist upon reality. Pharaoh didn't put the sound in later.
- Ned Flanders: But who'd know the difference?
- Mr. Burns: The people being whipped!
- [taking Lou's whip, he starts whipping Hans himself]
- Homer Simpson: Welcome to the Homer Simpson Showboating Academy. Today, we're working on poor sportsmanship. First, I want you all to hurl a ball at the nearest authority figure.
- [two basketballs, a football, and an ice skate are thrown at him]
- Homer Simpson: Nicely done.
- Marge Simpson: Lisa, could you pass the salad?
- LeBron James: [taking the bowl] And it's James with the steal!
- ["dunking" it through and hanging onto the chandelier, his weight breaks it and he crashes back to the table]
- Marge Simpson: Who wants to help me clear the table?
- Ming Yao: [in Chinese] I'm sorry, but I do not understand English.
- Lisa Simpson: Wait a second. I've read that you speak excellent English.
- Ming Yao: [quietly, switching languages] Shut up, kid. I got a good thing going here.
- Homer Simpson: Honey, I bet you're wondering why Daddy's not at work again. The answer may surprise you. I have a new job choreographing end-zone dances for a professional football player.
- Lisa Simpson: Looks like all you're teaching is is obnoxiousness and poor sportsmanship.
- Homer Simpson: Don't forget showboating. That's the cornerstone of my Pyramid of Success.
- [indicating a Food Pyramid-type drawing on the wall]
- Homer Simpson: Ooh, I forgot crotch-grabbing. That'll be the sun.
- [he draws a picture of the sun with "crotch-grabbing" inside and tapes it above the pyramid]
- Marge Simpson: Aren't you that crazy cat lady?
- Crazy Cat Lady: Yes, I am. But thanks to this psychoactive medication, I enjoy brief moments of lucidity.
- Marge Simpson: Those are just Reese's Pieces.
- Homer Simpson: After you prance across the goal line, you hurl the other team's mascot to the ground and drive your cleats into his neck.
- [shaking his fist at the opposing team's leprechaun mascot]
- Homer Simpson: You're going down, you potato-eatin' pansy!
- Principal Skinner: Step right up and bid on items donated by local businesses.
- Homer Simpson: Oh, I only got $100. I better bid shrewdly.
- Principal Skinner: First up is this video camera.
- Homer Simpson: $100!
- Ned Flanders: $100.50!
- Principal Skinner: Sold!
- Homer Simpson: Damn it!
- Milhouse Van Houten: Oh, my God! It's my hero, Michelle Kwan!
- Michelle Kwan: You remind me of a young Dorothy Hamill.
- Milhouse Van Houten: [with a gasp] I didn't know you could talk!
- Lisa Simpson: I used to love Springfield Park, but it's gotten so run-down.
- Homer Simpson: [seeing a sign with certain faded letters] Ohhh, the prid is gone!
- LeBron James: Homer, this is LeBron James. The fans love my dunks, but they hate my dancing.
- [the crowd boos as he tries to dance]
- Homer Simpson: I think I can fit you in.
- [going over a list of clients]
- Homer Simpson: Let's see... Lenny, can I move you from Wednesday at noon to Sunday at 6:00?
- Lenny: Homer, you know that's when I play with neighborhood dogs.
- Homer Simpson: All right, all right, I'll work it out.
- Marge Simpson: Everyone seemed so happy, but I'm surprised at Ned. He left out all the good times Cain and Abel had when they were growing up.
- Lisa Simpson: He's just being true to the Bible, which *is* pretty violent.
- Bart Simpson: And sexy. King David stole someone else's wife, Mary Magdalene was a hooker...
- Marge Simpson: Bart. How do you know these things?
- Bart Simpson: [holding up "The Bible for Wise-Asses"] Eh, it's all in this book.