- Kent Brockman: [from a TV broadcast] Our top story is the ozone hole that devastated Brazil last summer is apparently wintering in Springfield.
- Bart Simpson: Wooh! Springfield rocks!
- Kent Brockman: [from a TV broadcast] Residents are advised to stay inside unless you use sunscreen, or are very, very hairy. Experts recommend class nine, or Robin Williams level of hair coverage.
- Homer Simpson: So, who am I beating up?
- Lisa Simpson: Nobody. You're just gonna break into everyone's house and steal their favorite toy.
- Bart Simpson: Thus saving Christmas.
- Homer Simpson: Now, let's see... this'll make three Christmases I saved versus eight I ruined... two were kind of a draw...
- [Lisa has been forced to write on the chalkboard, punishment for doing math in class]
- Bart Simpson: [laughs] Lisa in trouble. The ironing is delicious.
- Lisa Simpson: The word is irony.
- Bart Simpson: Huh?
- Lisa Simpson: Don't you think there's something weird going on here? We spent all day selecting fabric swatches and then our guest speaker was Phil, from marketing.
- Bart Simpson: All's I know is I'm getting straights A's, and that ain't not bad.
- Ralph Wiggum: [playing a doctor in a play] Hello! I'm Dr. Stupid. I'm gonna take out your liver bones!
- Principal Skinner: [At a meeting, discussing ways to save the school] Now, people, these are all good ideas...
- Marge Simpson: No, they're not! They're terrible, terrible ideas!
- Lisa Simpson: [sneaking into the executives' office] Get down! Security guard!
- [they get down, and Bart sees Gary Coleman on the phone, eating Chinese food]
- Bart Simpson: Hey, it's Gary Coleman!
- Gary Coleman: [on the phone] But the menu said "galaxy of prawns." Three prawns are hardly a galaxy. What do you mean your hands are tied? Let me talk to Mr. Kwan.
- Bart Simpson: Wait, I want to see how this turns out.
- Lisa Simpson: The phone's not even plugged in...
- Gary Coleman: All right, you listen to me, Kwan... Hang on, I got another call.
- [he presses a button]
- Gary Coleman: Yes, Mr. President! I can be in Washington right away!
- [Homer walks in on Bart and Milhouse dressed in drag]
- Homer Simpson: AH! What's going on? And I want the non gay explanation!
- Milhouse: Uh, we're drunk. *Really* drunk.
- Homer Simpson: Oh, thank god!
- Bart Simpson: You know what our homework is? Find a toy and bring it to class.
- Marge Simpson: Oh, that sounds fun!
- Bart Simpson: I know, but I'm still not gonna do it!
- [scene starts with Funzo singing, dancing, and playing with Bart]
- Bart Simpson: It's always a party with Funzo!
- Lisa Simpson: [Lisa walks up] I admit, it's kind of cute. But it'll never take the place of Malibu Stacy.
- [Funzo takes the Malibu Stacy doll, breaks it, and throws it in the fire]
- Lisa Simpson: AWHH! Did you see that!
- Bart Simpson: Yeah! Funzo makes playtime fun!
- [Funzo starts choking Bart's Krusty doll]
- Bart Simpson: Hey, why is it destroying other toys?
- Lisa Simpson: They must have programmed it to eliminate the competition.
- Bart Simpson: You mean like Microsoft?
- Lisa Simpson: Exactly! Come on Bart, we've gotta warn everyone.
- Lindsey Naegle: [exits her office to see Gary doing karate] I'm sorry, Gary. There's no longer a place for you here.
- Gary Coleman: Whatchutalkin'bout, Miss Naegle?
- Lindsey Naegle: That is so adorable! You're re-hired.
- [she closes the door behind her]
- Gary Coleman: Sucker! I knew exactly what she was talking about.
- Lisa Simpson: The madness ends here!
- Homer Simpson: [laughing at Lisa] Oh man! If I had a nickel for every time I've heard that...
- Funzo: [Homer has just chucked a bunch of Funzos in to a fire, to destroy them] I'm very mad at 'ou!
- Dr. Julius Hibbert: How could you close the school?
- Marge: What will become of our kids?
- Homer Simpson: Where are the refreshments?
- Principal Skinner: Now, you keep asking me that and I keep telling you, over there!