The Simpsons (TV Series)

Eight Misbehavin' (1999)

Hank Azaria: Captain McAllister, Allen Wrench, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, Husband, Forklift Truck Driver, Christopher, Chief Wiggum

Quotes 

• Homer Simpson : Hey Apu. Sitting in the ice cream cooler, ay?

  Apu : By chilling my loins I increase the chances of impregnating my wife.

  Homer Simpson : Wah-ooh, too much informaaation. Thanks for the mental pictuuure. Why don't you tell us what you reeeally think.

  Apu : Would you stop spouting those hackneyed quips?

  Homer Simpson : Could you beeee any more...

  [pause] 

  Homer Simpson : Hellooooo...

  [laughs] 

  Homer Simpson : ... Look, just give me some ice cream.

  [Apu removes a tub] 

  Homer Simpson : Um... how 'bout one *not* touching your ass.

• Apu : Oh, wonderful, our problems are over, we have banana bread.

• Manjula Nahasapeemapetilon : Are you sure you want a child, Apu?

  Apu : You know, I do! I mean, there comes a time in a man's life when he asks himself, "who will float my corpse down the Ganges?"

  Manjula Nahasapeemapetilon : Oh Apu, take me now!

  [Apu turns out the bedroom light] 

  Apu : Oh, Calcutta!

• [after Apu's wife Manjula gives birth to Octuplets. Apu has been awake all night trying to put them all to sleep, and has fallen asleep himself] 

  Manjula : [Waking Apu up]  Apu, it's 4:00 am, you're late for work.

  Apu : [Wakes Up]  Oh, I just had the most beautiful dream where I died.

  Manjula : Oh, no you don't. Not 'til they're out of college.

  Apu : Listen, I'll die when I want to.

• [in the Kwik-E-Mart] 

  Ned Flanders : Well, morning Apu. How are the little blessing?

  Apu : Owhh, they're a ravenous sworm of locusts just eating and screaming and grabbing and poking and pulling and drooling, and two have cradle rash. How do you get cradle rash when you sleep in a suitcase?

  Ned Flanders : [chuckles]  They can be a handful... of joy.

  Apu : Shut up!

  Ned Flanders : They fill your lives with...

  Apu : SHUT UP!

  Ned Flanders : [quickly]  Can't put a price on a miracle.

  Apu : I can't believe you won't shut up!

• Apu : [two bullies walk out with store merchadise]  Thank you steal again.

• Apu : [Apu is wearing a rig of feeding bottles that make him look like a milk-cow]  Welcome to my Hell.

• Apu : Banana bread? What were you thinking! I'm sorry, I'm sorry. To make it up to you, here, have a baby.

• [Manjula and Apu are in the hospital with newborns] 

  Apu : How did we get eight?

  Manjula Nahasapeemapetilon : Apu, I must confess. When we were having trouble conceiving, I took fertility drugs.

  Apu : Wooh. I, too, am afraid I'm guilty of monkeying with nature. I slipped fertility drugs into your breakfast squishy.

  Hibbert : [Using a calculator]  Mmm-hmm. Well that would only account for quintuplets. Did anyone *else* slip this woman fertility drugs?

  [Homer, Marge, and Bart raise their hands] 

  Homer Simpson : Mine tasted like strawberry.

  [Homer pops one into his mouth] 

  Homer Simpson : Ovulicious...

• Larry Kidkill : Escort these gentlemen out.

  Christopher : Avec plaisir.

• Apu : If your mother was a vampire, and your father was a Frankenstein, why are you a werewolf?

  Butch Patrick : You're right, it doesn't make any sense.