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[Last lines]
Homer Simpson: [Reading the end credits] Scully, you're cut. Uh, Brooks, Groening, Simon, you're all cut. Castellaneta, gone. Kavner, cut. Cartwright, cut. Smith, sorry, cut. Azaria and Shearer, you're cut. Firestone, you're cut. So is Judge. Namath, you stay. All of those people are cut. Bill Schultz, Wolf, and Silverman, Goldreyer, O'Brien, Doyle, Selman, I don't know what you're... Elliott, I don't know what you're doing here because you're all cut. Pietila, Bridge, Kuwahara. Now there's so many cuts here, look, I'll just post them up and you just see where your name is. Ooh, look at how many cuts there are there. Oh boy! You're cut, all of you. He's cut, I cut you. You're cut too, Shushy!

Homer Simpson: Hey, Apu, you got that new beer with candy floating in it... Skittlebrau?
Apu: No such product exists sir. You must have dreamt it.
Homer Simpson: Well then, just gimme a six pack and a bag of Skittles.

Homer Simpson: Hey, Flanders, you're the worst coach this team has ever had!
Marge Simpson: He's the only coach this team has ever had. And the season hasn't even started yet.
Homer Simpson: Yeah, well, he's... wearing that hat like an idiot.
Marge Simpson: You know, Homer, it's very easy to criticize.
Homer Simpson: Fun too.

Homer Simpson: Good practice, kids. Now it's time for the easiest part of any coach's job. The cuts. Although I wasn't able to cut everyone I wanted to, I have cut a lot of you. Wendell is cut. Rudy is cut. Janey, you're gone. Steven, I like your hustle.
[Steven smiles]
Homer Simpson: That's why it was so hard to cut you.
[Steven's smile drops]
Homer Simpson: Congratulations, the rest of you made the team!
[random sighs of relief]
Homer Simpson: Except you, you, and you.

Lisa Simpson: What position have you got for me?
[the kids gasps]
Lisa Simpson: That's right. A girl who wants to play football. How about that?
Ned Flanders: Well, thats super-duper, Lisa. We've already got four girls on the team.
Lisa Simpson: You do?
Ned Flanders: Uh huh. But we'd love to have you on board!
Lisa Simpson: Well... football's not really my thing. After all... what kind of civilized person would play a game with the skin of an innocent pig?
Ned Flanders: Well, actually, Lisa, these balls are synthetic!
Janey Powell: And for every ball you buy, a dollar goes to Amnesty International!
Lisa Simpson: [crying] I've gotta go!

Todd Flanders: We don't have to play football, do we, Daddy?1
Ned Flanders: Ho ho ho, you betcha. Team sports will keep you away from temptations like rock music and girls.
Rod Flanders, Todd Flanders: Yay!

Homer: Hello, Son. I wanna apologize. I got so caught up in trying to encourage you, that I was blinded to your stinky performance. If you come back and play for the team, I promise I'll never encourage you again.

Homer Simpson: My father never believed in me! I'm not gonna make the same mistake. From now on I'm gonna be kinder to my son and meaner to my dad.

Marge Simpson: Wow, Homer coaching in the championship game! You must be pretty proud of your son!
Grampa Simpson: You'd think so, wouldn't you?
[falls asleep]

[Last lines]
Homer Simpson: [Reading the end credits] Scully, you're cut. Uh, Brooks, Groening, Simon, you're all cut. Castellaneta, gone. Kavner, cut. Cartwright, cut. Smith, sorry, cut. Azaria and Shearer, you're cut. Firestone, you're cut. So is Judge. Namath, you stay. All of those people are cut. Bill Schultz, Wolf, and Silverman, Goldreyer, O'Brien, Doyle, Selman, I don't know what you're... Elliott, I don't know what you're doing here because you're all cut. Pietila, Bridge, Kuwahara. Now there's so many cuts here, look, I'll just post them up and you just see where your name is. Ooh, look at how many cuts there are there. Oh boy! You're cut, all of you. He's cut, I cut you. You're cut too, Shushy!

Dr. Hibbert: Well, your cholesterol level is lethally high, Homer, but I'm more concerned about your gravy level.
Homer Simpson: Now, wait a second. You doctors have been telling us to drink eight glasses of gravy a day!
Dr. Hibbert: [laughs] Well, you're a little confused.
Homer Simpson: Oh, confused, would we?

Marge Simpson: Now, make no mistake. When I say "first aid" I'm not talking about some sort of... charity rock concert.
[laughs at her own joke]
Marge Simpson: I'm talking about treating serious injuries!
[the crowd laughs loudly]
Krusty: Serious injuries!
[writes it down]
Krusty: Ooh, that's gold!

Homer: Got any of that beer that has candy floating in it? You know, Skittlebrau?
Apu: Such a beer does not exist, sir. I think you must have dreamed it.
Homer: Oh. Well, then just give me a six-pack and a couple of bags of Skittles.