- Leader: [George, trying to prove he was a Van Buren Boy, makes several hand gestures in an attempt to perform their secret gang sign] That's not the sign.
- George Costanza: It was when I was bangin'!
- George Costanza: Ladies and gentlemen, I am happy to introduce you to the first Susan Ross scholar. This is Steven Koren. His GPA is a solid 2.0. Right in that meaty part of the curve. Not showing off, not falling behind.
- Wyck Thayer: George, the qualifications for this scholarship were supposed to be largely academic.
- George Costanza: I'm sure we're all aware of the flaws and biases of standardized tests.
- Wyck Thayer: These aren't standardized tests. These are his grades.
- Elaine Benes: These Kramer stories are unusable. I mean, some of them aren't even stories. Look, this is a list of things in his apartment.
- Jerry Seinfeld: Is my toaster oven on there?
- Elaine Benes: You were wearing the pants you were returning?
- Cosmo Kramer: I guess I was.
- Elaine Benes: What were you gonna wear on the way back?
- Jerry Seinfeld: [trying to catch a cab] Who was the last president to have a beard?
- George Costanza: Nixon.
- Jerry Seinfeld: No, I mean a real thick beard.
- George Costanza: His was thick.
- Jerry Seinfeld: No, I mean like a full long beard like Smith Brothers Cough Drops.
- George Costanza: Falkmore.
- Jerry Seinfeld: Who?
- George Costanza: Artemis N. Falkmore.
- Jerry Seinfeld: You made that up, right?
- George Costanza: Yeah. But it sounds like a president name, doesn't it?
- Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah. Why do presidents all have these bad names? Woodrow, Grover, Millard.
- George Costanza: The presidency attracts the badly named. Their ambition is based on personal insecurity. It's a classic male overcompensation.
- Jerry Seinfeld: Are you wearing lifts in those shoes?
- George Costanza: [nervously looks around and walks away] Cab!
- George Costanza, Jerry Seinfeld: I'm interviewing all these annoying little overachievers. Finally, this kid walks in, Steven Koren, a regular guy, likes sports, watches T.V.
- Jerry Seinfeld: Is he smart?
- George Costanza: He knows how to read. And he also knows finishing an entire book doesn't prove anything. And get this, he's into architecture.
- Jerry Seinfeld: Hey, just like you pretend to be.
- George Costanza: Yes. With a little guidance, Steven Koren is going to be everything I claim to be, only for real. That's my dream, Jerry.