- George Costanza: I can't stand doing laundry. That's why I have forty pairs of underwear.
- Carol: You do not.
- George Costanza: Absolutely. Because instead of doing a wash, I just keep buying underwear. My goal is to have over three hundred and sixty pair. That way, I only have to do wash once a year.
- Donna: Is there anything else I should know about you?
- Jerry Seinfeld: Yes, I'm lactose intolerant. I have no patience for lactose. And I won't stand for it.
- George Costanza: For me to ask a woman out, I gotta get into a mental state like the karate guys before they break the bricks.
- Carol: Would you like to come upstairs for some coffee?
- George Costanza: no thanks. I can't drink coffee late at night, it keeps me up.
- [last lines]
- Jerry Seinfeld: I love my phone machine. I wish I was a phone machine. I wish if I saw somebody on the street I didn't want to talk to, I could go, "Excuse me, I'm not in right now. If you could just leave a message, I could walk away." I also have a cordless phone, but I don't like that as much, because you can't slam down a cordless phone. You get mad at somebody on a real phone, "You can't talk to me like that!" Bang! You know. Cordless phone, "You can't talk to me like that..." I told him.
- [first lines]
- Jerry Seinfeld: The bad thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing. You never see anybody on TV, like, just sliding off the front of the sofa with potato chip crumbs on their face. Some people have a little too much fun on television. The soda commercial people. Where do they summon this enthusiasm? Have you seen them? "We have soda! We have soda! We have soda!" Jumping, laughing, flying through the air. It's a can of soda. Have you ever been standing there and you're watching TV and you're drinking the exact product that they're advertising right there on TV? And it's like, you know, they're spiking volleyballs, jet skiing, girls in bikinis.. And I'm standing there, "Maybe I'm putting too much ice in mine."
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