Seinfeld (TV Series)

The Merv Griffin Show (1997)

Michael Richards: Cosmo Kramer

Photos 

Quotes 

• Elaine Benes : Kramer, what is wrong with you?

  Cosmo Kramer : What do you mean?

  Elaine Benes : Well, for starters, you're lookin' at note cards...

• George Costanza : [George and Jerry are seated as guests on "The Merv Griffin Show"]  So, they're flying the tiny instruments in from El Paso.

  Cosmo Kramer : El Paso, I spent a month there one night.

  Newman : [laughing hard]  El Paso!

  Jerry Seinfeld : What's he here for?

  Cosmo Kramer : He takes some of the pressure off of me. So Jerry what's going on with you? I understand there's a young lady in your life. Hmmm

  Jerry Seinfeld : Actually it's kind of a funny story.She has this amazing toy collection and last night I finally got to play with them.

  Cosmo Kramer : Well it sounds like things are progressing. Do I hear wedding bells?

  Newman : Are you married right now?

  [Kramer slaps Newman] 

  Jerry Seinfeld : Actually she doesn't even know about the toys. I gave her the wrong kind of medicine and I guess she passed out.

  Cosmo Kramer : What do you mean "wrong kind of medicine"?

  Jerry Seinfeld : [to George]  She's even got that old Mattel football game that we love.

  George Costanza : Ah come on! You got to get me over there!

  Cosmo Kramer : Wait a minute! You mean to say that you drugged a woman so you could take advantage of her toys?

  [to Newman] 

  Cosmo Kramer : Could we pause a moment?

  [Newman turns on "commercial break music"] 

  Cosmo Kramer : Jerry, now what you do with your personal life is your business but when your on my set, you clean it up mister!

  Newman : I told you he was a risk.

  Jerry Seinfeld : Oh like he's not just carrying you and has been for years!

  Newman : Yeah? Well you bombed! That story stunk worse than these chairs.

  [Kramer mediates] 

  Cosmo Kramer : ["Commercial music" ends]  Smile everyone we're back.

• Newman : What about a guest host?

  Cosmo Kramer : I'll pretend I didn't hear that.

• Cosmo Kramer : Jerry, this is the set from the old Merv Griffin show. They must be throwing it out. This stuff belongs in the Smithsonian.

  Jerry Seinfeld : Or at least the dumpster behind the Smithsonian.

• Cosmo Kramer : Okay, a little later, we're going to be talking with animal expert Jim Fowler.

  Jim Fowler : Where are the cameras?

• Jerry Seinfeld : So, where are you gonna sleep?

  Cosmo Kramer : Backstage.