- Newman: [Jerry and George are looking for Kramer] Hello, boys.
- Jerry Seinfeld: Hello, Newman.
- Newman: You lookin' for someone?
- Jerry Seinfeld: Don't play coy with me, Newman, I'm not in the mood!
- Newman: Coy? I'm not being coy.
- Jerry Seinfeld: [to George] Is he being coy?
- George Costanza: Yeah, coy.
- Jerry Seinfeld: You're being coy. Now where's Kramer, Newman?
- Newman: [coyly] Who?
- Jerry Seinfeld: Listen, Tiny. I wanna know where Kramer is and wanna know now!
- Newman: Alright, go ahead and hit me, Seinfeld. I got witnesses.
- Jerry Seinfeld: Turn around, George.
- George Costanza: Sure.
- [Turns around]
- Newman: George?
- Kramer: [in disgust] Look at you.
- George Costanza: Aw, Kramer, don't start...
- Kramer: [moving back to the other side of the booth] You're wasting your life.
- George Costanza: I am not! What you call wasting, I call living! I'm living my life!
- Kramer: Okay, like what? No, tell me! Do you have a job?
- George Costanza: No.
- Kramer: You got money?
- George Costanza: No.
- Kramer: Do you have a woman?
- George Costanza: [pause] No.
- Kramer: Do you have any prospects?
- George Costanza: No.
- Kramer: You got anything on the horizon?
- George Costanza: Uh... no.
- Kramer: Do you have any action at all?
- George Costanza: No.
- Kramer: Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the morning?
- George Costanza: [pathetically] I like to get the Daily News!
- George Costanza: You're not really gonna go to California, are you?
- Kramer: [points to his head] Up here, I'm already gone.
- George Costanza: [Jerry and George are searching Elaine's apartment for Jerry's keys] They were in here, I saw her put 'em in here!
- Jerry Seinfeld: Well, this is great.
- George Costanza: All right, what do they look like?
- Jerry Seinfeld: Like keys. They look like keys, George. They look exactly like keys.
- [scoffing]
- Jerry Seinfeld: "What do they look like."
- Jerry Seinfeld: Don't you see? You're just avoiding the middle man. You were gonna give her her spare keys, and she was gonna give 'em to me. So, all that's happening is that instead of giving them to her, you're giving them to me. It's just unfortunate that when she gave you yours, you didn't give her hers. 'Cause then she would have given 'em to me, because she has mine. So then I would have never had to ask you for hers, so that I could get mine.
- George Costanza: [dryly, after a long pause] You're right, how did I miss that?
- Kramer: [moves over and sits next to George] Do you ever yearn?
- George Costanza: Yearn? Do I yearn?
- Kramer: I yearn.
- George Costanza: You yearn.
- Kramer: Oh, yes. Yes, I yearn. Often, I... I sit... and yearn. Have you yearned?
- George Costanza: Well, not recently. I craved. I crave all the time, constant craving... but I haven't yearned.
- [first lines]
- Jerry Seinfeld: I bought the Ginsu knife. I did buy the Ginsu knife. I know, you can't believe it, but I did, I swear. I saw it. It was late at night, I'm watching the thing, and it started making sense to me. I'm thinking, "Yeah, cut through the shoe, cut through the can. Yeah. Yeah, I want that." So I called up the number on the screen, you know, and I said, "I'd like to order the Ginsu knife," and the lady went, "Really?" I mean, even the Ginsu people have given up. It's really so sad. I guess, to be honest, if you need a knife that can cut through a shoe, perhaps you're not buying the highest grade of meat currently available. Maybe you ought to think about not getting the hoof cut once in a while.
- Jerry Seinfeld: Now, are you gonna tell me where Kramer is, or are we gonna have to do this the hard way?
- [Hits wall with his fist]
- Newman: Help! Help!
- Jerry Seinfeld: Where's Kramer?
- Newman: Help!
- Elaine Benes: [Elaine enters] What's going on?
- Newman: [Newman grabs Elaine and hides behind her] They're gonna beat me up!
- George Costanza: No we're not.
- Jerry Seinfeld: We're trying to find out what happened to Kramer.
- Newman: You wanna know what happened to Kramer? I'll tell you what happened to Kramer. He was ticked off. About the keys. Yeah, that's right - about the keys. Thought he got a bad rap.
- Jerry Seinfeld: Bad rap?
- Newman: Yeah. From you.
- Jerry Seinfeld: Me?
- Newman: You heard me. So he packed a grip and he split for the coast. La-La Land. L.A.
- Jerry Seinfeld: L.A.?
- George Costanza: Just because you have someone's spare keys, it doesn't entitle you to break into their apartment. That's the reason you took away Kramer's keys.
- Jerry Seinfeld: First of all, you're not even supposed to have Elaine's keys. You're supposed to give 'em back to her, so she can give 'em back to me, because she has mine. So technically, those are my keys.
- George Costanza: Yes, well, if you had never taken your keys back from Kramer, he never would have taken his back from you and given 'em to me, in which case I wouldn't have had to take mine back from her.
- Jerry Seinfeld: Well I want those keys.
- George Costanza: Nope. No can do.
- [They start to struggle over the keys]
- [last lines]
- Jerry Seinfeld: So I fly a lot. I like planes. I was on a plane the other day, and I was wondering, "Are there keys to the plane? Do they need keys to start the plane?" Maybe that's what those delays on the ground are, when you're sitting at the gate. Maybe the pilot's just up there going, "Oh, I don't believe this. Oh, my God. I did it again." They tell you it's something mechanical, because they don't want to come on the PA system... "Ladies and gentlemen, we're gonna be delayed for a little while. Oh, God, this is so embarrassing. I... I left the keys to the plane in my apartment." You see the technicians all running underneath the plane. You think they're servicing it, but they're actually looking for, like, the magnet hide-a-key under the wing. "Maybe he left it up there somewhere."
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