Jerry Seinfeld nel ruolo di...
Jerry Seinfeld
- Marlene: I'm sorry, Jerry. I just can't be with someone if I don't respect what they do.
- Jerry Seinfeld: You're a cashier!
- Jerry Seinfeld: So that's it. You're out.
- George Costanza: Except for one small problem. I left some books in her apartment.
- Jerry Seinfeld: So? Go get them.
- George Costanza: No I can't go back there. Jerry, it's so awkward. It could be dangerous. Sexually, something could happen. I'd be right back where I started from.
- Jerry Seinfeld: So forget about the books. Did you read them?
- George Costanza: Well, yeah.
- Jerry Seinfeld: What do you need them for?
- George Costanza: I don't know. They're books.
- Jerry Seinfeld: What's the obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies! What do you need it for after you read it?
- Jerry Seinfeld: You know the great thing when you read Moby Dick the second time, Ahab and the whale become good friends.
- Jerry Seinfeld: [in his monologue to his audience at the club] The waiting room. I hate when they make you wait in the room because it says waiting room. There's no chance of not waiting because they call it the waiting room. They're gonna use it. It's set up for you to wait. You sit there, and you got your little magazine. You pretend you read it, but you're really looking at other people. You know you're thinking about them. Things like, "I wonder what he's got."
- [first lines]
- Jerry Seinfeld: I'm always in traffic with the lane expert. You know this type of person? Constantly re-evaluating their lane choice. Never quite sure. "Is this the best lane for me for my life?" They're always a little bit ahead of you. "Can I get in over there? Could I get ahead of you? Could I get in there?" "Yeah, come on over here, pal. We're zooming over here. This is the secret lane. Nobody knows about it." The ultimate... I think the ultimate psychological test of traffic is the total dead stop. Not even rolling, and you look out the window; you can see gum clearly. But we know that in the future traffic will get even worse than that. I mean, what will happen? Will it start moving backwards, I wonder? Is that possible? That someday, we'll be going, "Boy, this is some really bad traffic now, boy. This... is really bad. I'm going to try and get off and get back on, going the other way."
- [last lines]
- Jerry: Women need to like the job of the guy they're with. If they don't like the job, they don't like the guy. Men know this, which is why we make up the phony, bogus names for the jobs that we have. "Right now, I'm the regional management supervisor. I'm in development, research, consulting." Men, on the other hand, if they are physically attracted to a woman, are not that concerned with her job, are we? Men don't really care. Men will just go, "Really? Slaughterhouse? Is that where you work? That sounds interesting. So, what, you got a big cleaver there? You just lopping their heads off? That sounds great. Listen, why don't you shower up, and we'll get some burgers and catch a movie?"
- Cosmo Kramer: See the other thing is if you don't like anything, he takes it right back.
- Jerry Seinfeld: I don't return fruit. Fruit's a gamble. I know that going in.