Seinfeld (TV Series)

The Calzone (1996)

Jerry Seinfeld: Jerry Seinfeld

Photos 

Quotes 

• George Costanza : [George had been banned from Paisano's]  Well, this is bad. I am really in a bad situation now.

  Jerry : So what is Steinbrenner going to do if he doesn't get his calzone?

  George Costanza : What's he gonna do? That's exactly the point! Nobody knows what this guy is capable of. He fires people like it's a bodily function!

• Cosmo Kramer : [hunched over a massive pile of change]  Hey buddy.

  Jerry : What the hell is all this?

  Cosmo Kramer : It's my change. I need quarters for the dryer.

  Jerry : Why can't you do this on your own table?

  Cosmo Kramer : Because I don't have a table.

• Jerry Seinfeld : Come on, Dustin Hoffman in Star Wars? He made a bet he knew he was gonna lose just to take you to dinner.

  Elaine Benes : If he wanted to ask me out, why didn't he just ask me?

  Jerry Seinfeld : Because if he doesn't ask you out, he doesn't get rejected. He found a dating loophole.

• Elaine Benes : So, what movie are you guys gonna see?

  Nicki : Means to an End.

  Elaine Benes : Oh, we were gonna see that too, but it's sold out. So, we're gonna see Blame it on the Rain.

  Jerry Seinfeld : [to Nicki]  Let's see what you can do.

  Nicki : Okay

  Elaine Benes : What's she gonna do? They don't have any more tickets.

  [Nicki returns with two tickets to Means to an End] 

• Policeman : Do you know what the posted speed limit is on this road?

  Jerry Seinfeld : 55?

  Policeman : That's right, it is. You know how fast you were going?

  Jerry Seinfeld : [laughs]  A lot faster than that.

• Jerry Seinfeld : So, what happened after the movie?

  Elaine Benes : Nothing. He walked me home.

  Jerry Seinfeld : To the door?

  Elaine Benes : Yeah.

  Jerry Seinfeld : That's a date.

  Elaine Benes : No, it's not.

  Jerry Seinfeld : But I never walk you home.

  Elaine Benes : That's because you're a jackass.

• Jerry Seinfeld : I gotta get going.

  Elaine Benes : Where are you going?

  Jerry Seinfeld : I promised Nicki I'd walk her dog.

  Elaine Benes : But she dumped you.

  Jerry Seinfeld : I know, I know, but somehow she explained it to me, I couldn't say no.

• Policeman : I got you on the radar at 93 miles per hour.

  Jerry Seinfeld : Oh, you must have got me when I slowed down to take that curve, because for a while there, I was doing well over a hundred.

  Nicki : Officer? Hi. Do you really have to give us a ticket?

• [first lines] 

  Jerry : Have you noticed that every little place you go into lately has that tip jar on the counter? What is the service that this tip is for, anyway? I mean, isn't the man basically just turning around? Isn't that really all it is? I think we're tipping people now just for the absence of outright hostility. Thanks very much, and here's a little something extra for not taking my head and smashing my face through the glass counter-top. Really good service here.