Shared with you
- Dr. Perry Cox: Jordan, you have to make other friends in this place. For the love of God, the only respite I get from you is when we're making love and I pretend you're someone else.
- Jordan Sullivan: Yeah, I usually pretend we're DOING something else.
- Janitor: [proving a point to JD] Everybody kisses the ass of the person above them.
- Dr. Kelso: [to Dr. Mickhead] I was going to be a cardiologist, but I didn't have the heart.
- [Mickhead fake-laughs at Dr. Kelso's pun]
- Dr. Mickhead: [to Nurse Roberts] I was going to be a psychiatrist, but I was a-freud.
- [Nurse Roberts fake-laughs at Dr. Mickhead's pun]
- Nurse Roberts: [to cafeteria worker] I was going to be a doctor... But I didn't have the patience.
- [cafeteria worker fake-laughs at Nurse Roberts' pun]
- Cafeteria Worker: [to homeless guy] I was gonna be a baker, but I couldn't raise the dough.
- [homeless guy fake-laughs at Cafeteria Worker's pun]
- Homeless Guy: [to his dog] You know, I was gonna have her bring you some chicken, but it was foul.
- Jordan Sullivan: Let's go Per!
- Dr. Perry Cox: I've been waiting for an hour.
- Jordan Sullivan: I know, I was leafing though a magazine and watching you on the security cameras. My favorite part is when you said "Screw her!" and then you stormed out, but then you came back because you realized:
- [waves keys]
- Jordan Sullivan: I have the keys!
- Dr. Perry Cox: Jordan. Now that you work here *h-every* day, if the carpool torturing persists, I'm gonna put a plexi-glass separator right down the middle of the car so you can't drive me crazy - you can't, you can't, you can't. Unfortunately your door handle doesn't work from the inside, which simply means that if we're in a fiery crash you won't be able to get out. Eeh, whatever.
- [Jordan walks off while Cox is still speaking. He doesn't notice]
- Dr. Perry Cox: That's a risk I'm sure willing to take.
- [looks up to see Jordan gone]
- Dr. Perry Cox: Jorderoo?
- [Jordan is watching Dr. Cox on the security monitor]
- Dr. Perry Cox: Hello?
- Jordan Sullivan: I'm in here! You can't see me!
- Dr. Perry Cox: Jordan!
- Dr. Christopher Turk: How do I know this guy?
- Dr. Perry Cox: Maybe you used to date him?
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Oh that's so clever. I'm gay! Wow! It's good!
- Dr. Perry Cox: I'm tired.
- Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: How funny is this joke: That patients tumor is so big it's starting to look like a three-mor.
- Keith: [walking by, fake laughing] Three-mor... you are hilarious Dr D.!
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Awful! Awful! Awful!
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Look, Carla, I didn't want you to come here because... well... Look, there's so much great about you - you're smart, you're loyal, you've absolutely shattered all of my preconceived notions about chicanos!
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: Elliot? Bring it.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: You're a bit of a gossip.
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: So? I'm interested in people's stories!
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Thanks to you, for the rest of my career I have the world's worst nickname!
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: Bankfarter's not so bad. It sounds German!
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Oh, verdammt noch mal. Nimm meine Leute nicht auf den Arm, Carla!
- Dr. Perry Cox: Oh. Would everyone please watch this? Because nobody, but nobody, cries like Sammy. He leads off with the Chin Quiver.
- [Thompson does so]
- Dr. Perry Cox: Then he goes right to the Look Away.
- [Thompson drops his eyes, and waves off Jordan's hand on his shoulder]
- Dr. Perry Cox: He tries to hold it back but he just can't because there's too much pain!
- [Thompson's body shudders]
- Dr. Perry Cox: And then finally, he squeezes out one single... tear
- [mock cries and leads the applause]
- Dr. Perry Cox: ... Ladies and gentlemen, that is some quality Crack Addict Theatre!
- Dr. Christopher Turk: I can't watch this.
- Nurse Roberts: Then move your big, bald biscuit head! Some of us don't have cable.
- Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: [Dr. Cox has put J.D. in time-out] I'm an attending!
- Dr. Perry Cox: Tell it to the wall, newbie.
- Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Hey, how come Elliot never invites us over to her hospital?
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: She probably doesn't want you guys embarrassing her.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: How would we embarrass her?
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: Oh, maybe by diagnosing all your female patient with Turk-Fever.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Honey, a lot of women suffer from that.
- Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: It's true, I even had it.
- Ted Buckland: These two new nurses have wonderful breasts.
- Todd Quinlan: Hey, they have names!
- [pointing to each breasts]
- Todd Quinlan: Tina, Marge, Sloppy and Mr Snuggles.
- Nurse Roberts: Sloppy is bigger than Mr Snuggles.
- Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Okay gang I'll meet you up in the radiology to talk about Mr. Keets' CAT-Scan. His tumor is getting you big it's starting to look like a three-mor.
- [the interns fake laugh]
- Janitor: Not funny!
- Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Have you been following me around all day dressed like an intern?
- Janitor: Yes. And you're a terrible teacher. I'm not prepared to operate on anyone.
- Jordan Sullivan: Sam? What are you doing back here?
- Sam Thompson: Hey, lambchop. Uh, crazy story - I was, uh, I was taking a bus to my plane ticket, there was an accident, and thank God I'm alive. I'd hug you but I, uh, uuuggghhh!
- [wiggles handcuffed hand and chuckles]
- Dr. Kelso: Jordan. This is one of our most famous con artist-slash-drug addicts.
- Sam Thompson: Nice to see you, sir.
- Dr. Kelso: You as well. Turkleton? You've dealt with him before.
- Sam Thompson: Hey, dude!
- Dr. Kelso: why didn't you tell her?
- Dr. Christopher Turk: [Pointing at Cox] 'Cause he told me not to!
- Dr. Perry Cox: This is gonna cost you.
- Dr. Perry Cox: It's a rite of passage that you have to go through around here to be accepted.
- Jordan Sullivan: Oh my God! You actually did something nice for me!
- Dr. Perry Cox: No, no. No-no-no-no-no-no-no. It was a selfish act. If other people talk to you, you won't have to talk to me!
- Dr. Kelso: [Ted steals the only bottle of ketchup from Kelso] Ketchup is for winners, Ted!
- [Ted promptly replaces the ketchup]
- Dr. Christopher Turk: I can't watch this.
- Nurse Roberts: Then move your big, bald, biscuit head! Some of us don't have cable.
- Dr. Perry Cox: Jordan, you have to make other friends in this place. For the love of God, the only respite I get from you is when we're making love and I pretend you're someone else.
- Jordan Sullivan: Yeah, I usually pretend we're DOING something else.
- Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Have you guys been fake laughing at my jokes? Be honest. I promise, absolutely no ramifications.
- Keith: Well, we've been kind of fake laughing.
- Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Keith, I hope you die a violent death and bugs eat your corpse.