Ken Jenkins credited as playing...
Dr. Bob Kelso
- Janitor: [proving a point to JD] Everybody kisses the ass of the person above them.
- Dr. Kelso: [to Dr. Mickhead] I was going to be a cardiologist, but I didn't have the heart.
- [Mickhead fake-laughs at Dr. Kelso's pun]
- Dr. Mickhead: [to Nurse Roberts] I was going to be a psychiatrist, but I was a-freud.
- [Nurse Roberts fake-laughs at Dr. Mickhead's pun]
- Nurse Roberts: [to cafeteria worker] I was going to be a doctor... But I didn't have the patience.
- [cafeteria worker fake-laughs at Nurse Roberts' pun]
- Cafeteria Worker: [to homeless guy] I was gonna be a baker, but I couldn't raise the dough.
- [homeless guy fake-laughs at Cafeteria Worker's pun]
- Homeless Guy: [to his dog] You know, I was gonna have her bring you some chicken, but it was foul.
- Jordan Sullivan: Sam? What are you doing back here?
- Sam Thompson: Hey, lambchop. Uh, crazy story - I was, uh, I was taking a bus to my plane ticket, there was an accident, and thank God I'm alive. I'd hug you but I, uh, uuuggghhh!
- [wiggles handcuffed hand and chuckles]
- Dr. Kelso: Jordan. This is one of our most famous con artist-slash-drug addicts.
- Sam Thompson: Nice to see you, sir.
- Dr. Kelso: You as well. Turkleton? You've dealt with him before.
- Sam Thompson: Hey, dude!
- Dr. Kelso: why didn't you tell her?
- Dr. Christopher Turk: [Pointing at Cox] 'Cause he told me not to!
- Dr. Perry Cox: This is gonna cost you.
- Dr. Kelso: [Ted steals the only bottle of ketchup from Kelso] Ketchup is for winners, Ted!
- [Ted promptly replaces the ketchup]