- Dr. Cox: [Dr. Cox turns off the T.V and the med students "awww" in disappointment] Fine. I'm gonna go ahead and tell you how it ends: Dr. Phil says,
- [Dr. Phil impression]
- Dr. Cox: "And how... is that working out... for you?" And the big fat lady cries, "Wah." All right, I'm sure you're wondering why I accepted the position of residency director considering my disdain for, well... all of you. Is it the extra four dollars a week in my paycheck? Or is it the fact that I finally have a chance to make a difference in this God-forsaken hell-hole.
- Elliot: [impressed] Hm
- Dr. Cox: It's all about the four dollars, trust me. And seeing as my money is contingent on you lemmings actually doing your jobs, I would say that now is a pretty good time for you to scurry on back to work so that I can continue to afford the antidepressants that keep me so damn jolly.
- [laughs weakly]
- Dr. Cox: GO!
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: Why is there a pancake in the silverware drawer?
- Dr. Christopher Turk: You mean, why is there silverware in the *pancake drawer*? Wuhuh!
- Dr. Bob Kelso: The point is, sometimes what's best for this hospital *is* what's best for the patients! I know it, you know it, and guess what, Dr. Cox knows it, too. Although damned if he doesn't disagree with me just because I said it.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Sir, I don't think that's true.
- Dr. Bob Kelso: [hollers to Cox across the ward] Perry! It's hotter than hell in here!
- Dr. Cox: Freezing!
- Dr. Bob Kelso: Great coffee, though!
- Dr. Cox: Rat piss!
- Dr. Bob Kelso: Dr. Murphy is an incompetent suck-up.
- Dr. Cox: No, Bob. In fact, he's one of the finest young doctors I've ever had the good fortune of working with.
- Dr. Bob Kelso: [to J.D] Your witness.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Danni, we need to move on, okay? No more thinking about our exes; no more waiting for the phone to ring; no more stealing her purse just so you can return it later in the hopes that she'll be so grateful, she'll use the money recovered to buy you a drink and *maybe* have sex with you after.
- Danni Sullivan: Did that work?
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I stole the wrong purse... And, yes!
- Elliot: J.D.! You know all those pictures of us from when we were going out? Do you still have those?
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [Voice over] Filed alphabetically in my "Elliot Cabinet".
- [Out loud]
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I don't know... I might...
- Dr. Perry Cox: Newbie, maybe I wasn't clear enough with you on Miss Bartow over there.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Here it comes. I'm incompetent. I'm a girl. I'm a little girl. I'm a little girl with pigtails that rides a tricycle.
- Dr. Perry Cox: No. Well... yes, but I am honestly trying to tell you that I don't think I was being clear with you before. In fact, I think I was being a pretty lousy teacher. Look, I think putting one in the Win column every now and then is what gives us the juice to keep plugging along in games that we know deep down we're not gonna win. And that's why I locked in so intensely to that patient. Because opportunities, they... God, they come along so rarely in this place. And when they do, you just can't let them slip through your fingers. You cannot. You know?
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: [Dr. Cox walks off]
- [to self]
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I think I do.
- Dr. Bob Kelso: Perry, the fact that these residents are spending most of their time buzzing around that one patient makes me think that you told them to disobey a direct order from me.
- Dr. Perry Cox: Bob Kelso, that's just not true. Here, I told them to disregard ALL direct orders from you.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: But, Dr. Cox, earlier today Dr. Kelso was telling us that he wants...
- Dr. Perry Cox: Ugssshhhhh. I don't ever want to hear anything that's come out of that man's mouth; unless, of course, it's "Oh, my God! I'm dying. Now I'm moving towards the light. But wait a minute, there's been a mistake! This is Hell! Hello, Hitler. Hello, Mussolini. Captain Kangaroo? THAT'S weird!" Don't you see, Barbie, I would rather listen to you go on and on about the joys of dolphin sex.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Dolphin TRAINER sex. My boyfriend is a dolphin trainer.
- Dr. Perry Cox: Here that's a shame, because the whole dolphin thing used to make you so interesting. Too bad.
- Danni: My sister just had a baby, so I'm doing the whole aunt thing. Plus, it's a really great excuse to run away from a relationship. My boyfriend just dumped me, so of course now I love him more than ever.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: So, is there any chance of you guys getting back together?
- Danni: Well, he's engaged, and he's getting married in two weeks... but, yeah, I think so.
- Dr. Bob Kelso: You're losing them! Oh, don't get me wrong, you had me worried there was gonna be a bunch of young Dr. Coxes roaming the halls, calling me "Bobbo", shaving my genitals when I pass out at the Christmas party... .
- Dr. Perry Cox: Tradition is tradition, Bob.
- Dr. Bob Kelso: Yeah... . Then I remembered that you've been here over ten years, and there's not a single disciple of yours to be found. And you know why?
- Dr. Perry Cox: You told 'em this exact same story and bored 'em to death?
- Dr. Bob Kelso: [Dr. Kelso laughs heartily, and Dr. Cox joins in. Suddenly the joviality halts] No. It's because eventually they all start questioning the Gospel according to Cox, and you can't handle that. Can you?
- Dr. Perry Cox: We are going to try to wean her off of the vent today, so I want all of you people to give her most of your attention.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I say we listen to Dr. Cox, and do exactly what he says.
- [J.D. overtly winks at Dr. Cox]
- Dr. Perry Cox: That's unbelievable.
- [...]
- Dr. Perry Cox: We are moving on!
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: You heard him, people! We're moving on!
- Dr. Perry Cox: Oh, God help me.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: ...God help him!
- Dr. Perry Cox: Hey, Barbie. How's about you sashay on over here, push those rock & roll bangs out of your face, and keep those peepers on Miss Bartow's hemodynamics!
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Oh, first I've got to discharge Mr. Hale, then get a stat CT on Mrs. Peterson, and then, to be perfectly frank, perform a thong extrication on Ms. Reid.
- Doug: Hey, YOUR last name is Reid.
- Dr. Elliot Reid: Doug. I have underwear in my butt.
- [Carla's visiting brother pretends that he only speaks & understands Spanish, when he does understand English as well. Turk knows this and has been trying to trick Marko into speaking English in front of her]
- Mark: [Turk enters his apartment, when Carla and Marco have already been there a while] Hey, jackass.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Hello, Mark. I'm guessing Carla's not around.
- Mark: She's in the bathroom.
- [Carla enters living room from bathroom, and Marco switches to Spanish]
- Mark: cepillando sus dientes.
- [translation: brushing her teeth]
- Dr. Christopher Turk: [to Carla, flirtingly] Hey baby! Give me some of that minty breath.
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: No, not in front of my brother. That stuff always makes him uncomfortable.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Oh, really? I just wanted to apologize the way I've been acting by loving you...
- [sing-song and making lewd gestures]
- Dr. Christopher Turk: up and down and all around...
- [Marco begins to make a move against Turk, but Carla happens to turn around and he retreats]
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: Turk!
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Baby, he can't understand you. Now, let's go put some more of your footprints on the ceiling.
- Mark: THAT'S IT, YOU SON OF A BITCH!
- Dr. Christopher Turk: [to Carla] I told you.
- [Marco punches Turk in the face, knocking him out]
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: Now, I want you to try and get along with him this time? If you do, I promise to fulfill that fantasy of yours -- but not with the weird outfit, and none of those crazy toys.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: So we'd just have normal sex.
- Nurse Carla Espinosa: If I'm not sleepy.
- Dr. Christopher Turk: Deal.