- The Continental: You must... ugh... let me finish. I said two minutes, I have well over one minute remaining, come, we spend this minute by fire, huh?
- Norm MacDonald: Across the nation this Monday, banks and government offices will be closed in observance of Martin Luther King's birthday. Meanwhile, at the Riverbend Maximum Security Prison in Nashville, Dr. King's assassin, James Earl Ray, will spend the day being raped continuously.
- David Spade: [waiting for is cue, unaware he's already on they air] Are they still on Update? Good God, it's twelve forty, how many anal rape jokes can Norm do this week?