Roseanne (TV Series)

Trouble with the Rubbles (1991)

John Goodman: Dan Conner

Quotes 

• Roseanne : [going to talk to Kathy about letting Todd camp out with DJ]  Alright, tell him another story, I'll be right back.

  Dan Conner : [to DJ]  Did I ever tell you about the killer who walked around with his own head in a bowling ball bag?

• Roseanne : How come I got 3 kids and a husband and I end up doing all the grunt work?

  Dan Conner : The beauty part is you actually grunt while you're doing it.

• Roseanne : Dan, if I go over there, you know, that's gonna be like admitting I was wrong, you know, and I wasn't wrong.

  Dan Conner : Do it for the kids.

  Roseanne : Oh cut the telethon crap, Dan.

• Dan Conner : [in the tent with DJ telling him a story]  The police knew the killer was crazy. At night he'd look for young unsuspecting campers, and as he crept upon them, he would whistle

  [whistles] 

  Dan Conner : and then he'd HACK them to pieces with a machete.

  D.J. Conner : Can I have a machete?

  Dan Conner : No.

  D.J. Conner : Well? Did they ever catch him?

  Dan Conner : Yeah once, they handcuffed him, but he hacked off his own hand to survive, and now he has a hook which he uses to kill his victims, and drag their lifeless bodies along the bloody ground.

  D.J. Conner : What happened to the machete?

  Dan Conner : You can't have one! Anyway, the police have been looking for him for days, he was last seen right here in Lanford.

  [a whistle is heard, gasps] 

  Dan Conner : What was that?

  D.J. Conner : What?

  Dan Conner : [a shadow of a person with a hook is on the wall of the tent]  The whistling killer! Don't make a sound, we'll be safe!

  Roseanne : [thrusts in a plastic pirate hook]  Arrrrrrrrgh!

  D.J. Conner : Mom, I thought you were bringing us something to eat.

  Roseanne : [withdraws the hook and thrusts it back in with donuts on it]  Arrrrrrrrgh. Well, did we scare ya, Deej?

  Dan Conner : Yeah, he was scared you were gonna hurt the hook guy.