David Mitchell credited as playing...
Mark Corrigan
- Mugger #1: Will you lend us your phone, mate?
- Mark Corrigan: What?
- Mugger #1: Lend us your fucking phone!
- Mark Corrigan: Why?
- Mugger #2: Well, I need to make a call.
- Mark Corrigan: Don't you have your own phone?
- Mugger #2: Come on, lend us your phone.
- Mark Corrigan: Right, it's just, "neither a lender nor a borrower be".
- Mugger #1: Do you think we're some pair of shithouses?
- Jeremy Usborne: You've got to toughen up. This is the 21st century. You've seen Mad Max, haven't you? That's what's going to happen!
- Mark Corrigan: Mad Max is not necessarily going to happen.
- Jeremy Usborne: Oh, sure, mate. You live in your Hitchhikers' Guide world where you wander around in your dressing gown and have a nice cup of tea.
- Mark Corrigan: You know me, I'm old-fashioned, I like courting. Look, why don't we go to the pictures?
- Sophie Chapman: [sarcastically] Sure, shall I bring a chaperone?
- Mark Corrigan: [explaining to Sophie why he's carrying a knife] It's just, I'd like to learn kickboxing to protect myself, I just don't have the time. So, basically, what this is, is just a rather efficient time-saving device.
- Mark Corrigan: Later, baby!
- [voiceover]
- Mark Corrigan: Ugh, baby. Note to self, re: being the Fonz, Mark you are not the Fonz.
- Mugger #2: Give us your phone, give us your wallet!
- Mugger #1: Come on! Before we fucking do you!
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Do me? Are they going to rape me? Or kill me? If they rape and kill me I hope they kill me first. I sort of win.
- Mugger #1: Is that it? You got nothing else?
- Mark Corrigan: Yes.
- Mugger #2: What else?
- Mark Corrigan: There's my... travel card.
- [voiceover]
- Mark Corrigan: That's great, help the muggers. What do you want, approval?
- Mugger #1: Alright. Now piss off!
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Oh, this really takes the biscuit.
- [Mark walks away while the muggers just stand there]
- Mugger #1: Faster.
- [Marks starts to run]
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] I thought it was at least the muggers who had to run off. The victim flees!
- Mugger #1: Faster!
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Oh, this really leaves a sour taste!
- Kid at Chicken Corner: [Mark is meeting a couple of young lads who apparently know the guys that stole his Blackberry] Yeah, I might be able to help you.
- Mark Corrigan: Oh, well, that would be fantastic, 'cause it actually belongs to my office...
- Kid at Chicken Corner: It's going to cost you fifty quid though, mate.
- Mark Corrigan: No.
- Kid at Chicken Corner: [gets up to leave] Alright, see you later.
- Mark Corrigan: Yes.
- Kid at Chicken Corner: [sitting back down] Alright, 'kay, great, cool.
- Mark Corrigan: [getting out his wallet and handing over cash] I mean, I think, I have to say this is a bit rich but I guess maybe there's certain administrative costs for you to bear and so on, so...
- Kid at Chicken Corner: Sixty, it's gone up to sixty now, mate.
- Mark Corrigan: Really?
- Kid at Chicken Corner: Yep.
- Mark Corrigan: 'Cause, obviously, this dynamic could go on indefinitely. I mean, is sixty... Will that really be it?
- Kid at Chicken Corner: Definitely.
- [Mark gives him another £10]
- Kid at Chicken Corner: Alright, cheers. Oh, listen, one more thing, will you ask for it again, but like a lady, in a lady's voice?
- Mark Corrigan: I'm sorry?
- Kid at Chicken Corner: Ask for your Blackberry like a lady.
- Mark Corrigan: No, I really think...
- Kid at Chicken Corner: [getting up again] OK, mate. See you later.
- Mark Corrigan: [high-pitched voice] Can I have my Blackberry back?
- Kid at Chicken Corner: [sitting down again] "Please".
- Mark Corrigan: [high-pitched voice] Can I have my Blackberry back, please?
- Kid at Chicken Corner: [smirks and looks at his mate] Alright, listen, mate, I'll call you when I got it, yeah?
- [he and his mate leave]
- Mark Corrigan: But he hasn't got my... Oh, no, of course, he'll have my number from when I call him.
- Jeremy Usborne: [high-pitched voice] Yes and I think he'll definitely be calling.