- [first lines]
- Victor Meldrew: [singing] Oh Danny boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling.
- Margaret Meldrew: You must be in a good mood.
- Victor Meldrew: Sunday morning, what is there to be miserable about? Sunday morning, the first day of a new week. I'm going to a nice little potter about in the garden where the insanities of life can't possibly upset me.
- [last lines]
- Margaret Meldrew: Perhaps you should just have an early night tonight. You'll feel better in the morning.
- Victor Meldrew: Yes, I expect I will. Good night, then. Oh, if you should hear any sudden screams, it's just me smacking on some aftershave.
- Victor Meldrew: [Stuck in the shed due to infestation of bees] Oh god, I wish I was dead! Whose bloody bees are they?
- Victor Meldrew: Was it my imagination or have they just started building the worlds biggest sub-atomic particle accelerator to explain the very origins of the universe as we know it?
- Margaret Meldrew: What?
- Victor Meldrew: Strange then that they can't produce a toilet roll where the perforations are on the same place on either side of the paper.
- Victor Meldrew: Butterflies in the stomach, bees in the potting shed, loonies in the lavatory. I wonder what bounteous joys the rest of the week have in store? Bubonic plague? Nest of scorpions in the hoover bag? Late night shopping at Budgeons?