- Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: I'll see you Monday. I'm leaving.
- David Addison Jr.: Leaving? Maddie, Maddie, Maddie, what are you doing, doing, doing?
- Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: So what if I said I want to get home early?
- David Addison Jr.: Big plans?
- Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: No, I wouldn't say big plans. Actually I wouldn't even say plans.
- David Addison Jr.: No plans on a Friday night? The day people get paid, the night people get what rhymes with "paid"? The first day of the rest of your weekend?
- Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: It happens.
- David Addison Jr.: Really? To you? Is Ripley aware of this?
- Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: It's a bad idea, we're not going to agree on anything tonight, anymore than we agree on anything ever.
- David Addison Jr.: I disagree.
- Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: Well, how about music then?
- David Addison Jr.: Now you're cooking. I know this great night spot on the West side, the perfect place to make you forget.
- Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: Forget what?
- David Addison Jr.: See? It's already working.
- Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: By "night spot" you mean soft lights, quiet, a little piano?
- David Addison Jr.: Very little piano, in fact not at all.
- Agnes DiPesto: I was just coming in.
- Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: I was just going out.
- Agnes DiPesto: Whoa. What do you think the chances of that ever happening again are?
- Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: You came in here to tell us something?
- Agnes DiPesto: Did you just guess that?
- Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: What is it?
- Agnes DiPesto: I don't know but a cousin of mine had it too. Answered her front door before anyone rang the bell.
- David Addison Jr.: How about this? No pressure. We go over to your house, we take off all our clothes, we get a couple of cans of "98" motor oil, we rub it all over ourselves and we see what we feel like doin'. Doesn't have to be "98".
- Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: She's only a woman.
- David Addison Jr.: Only a woman? Were the '27 Yankees only a baseball team? Are the Himalayas only a bunch of hills? Are 36 inches only a yard?
- Agnes DiPesto: Blue Moon Detective Agency.
- [answering the phone]
- Agnes DiPesto: Strange calls in the night? / Notes in your mailbox by dawn's early light? / Tell us about it, let us get involved. / We'll find the perv and your problems will be solved.
- Agnes DiPesto: Blue Moon Detective Agency.
- [answering the phone]
- Agnes DiPesto: Running a pageant, need to know / if any girls posed for photos showing more / than a competition would allow? / Give us a call and we'll find out now. / We have sources at major men's magazines...
- David Addison Jr.: It was a great idea - inventing a wife for yourself. Who's not going to believe that? I mean why would somebody lie about something like that? So... a couple of years ago, you went out, bought some clothes sent them to the cleaners once a week, opened her a bunch of charge accounts, not to mention the old joint checking. But most important, you took out a life insurance policy.
- Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: When did you figure this out?
- David Addison Jr.: During the commercial.
- Alan Tupperman: That's absurd!
- [last lines]
- Madelyn 'Maddie' Hayes: Get me off this man!
- David Addison Jr.: What are you so upset about? He's not even married yet.
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