John Hopkins: Sergeant Dan Scott

The Maid in Splendour

Sergeant Dan Scott

DCI Tom Barnaby: Word of advice about your interviewing technique, Scott.
Sergeant Dan Scott: Uh, Sir?
DCI Tom Barnaby: Drooling, Sergeant. When taking statements from attractive female witnesses, it is not in the manual.
Sergeant Dan Scott: Drooling, Sir?
DCI Tom Barnaby: Drooling, Sir.
Sergeant Dan Scott: What drooling?

[last lines]
DCI Tom Barnaby: So Bella's *not* going to throw herself into Lake Splendour then.
Sergeant Dan Scott: Huh.
Benbow: What?
Sergeant Dan Scott: Like, uh, what's-her-name.
[nods at pub sign]
Sergeant Dan Scott: Jumping in the lake after her fiancé.
Benbow: [laughs] Who told you that?
Sergeant Dan Scott: Michael Bannerman.
Benbow: He was having you on. Girly never chucked herself into the lake. The old knight come back from the crusades. He goes straight to the manor, and there he sees *her* pleasuring his brother. So, he drags her from the bed, kills his brother stone dead, and then chucks girly into the lake.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Now that's what I call a happy ending

[Sergeant Dan Scott has just made a date with Cully Barnaby, to attend an Ingmar Bergman film festival]
DCI Tom Barnaby: Bergman, that's a bit heavy.
Sergeant Dan Scott: I don't know... what, Casablanca - I could watch that again.
DCI Tom Barnaby: [nonplussed] Casablanca?
Sergeant Dan Scott: [unabashed] Yeah. Ingrid Bergman's in Casablanca, isn't she?
[DCI Tom Barnaby's look of confusion turns into a smile]

DCI Tom Barnaby: The murderer must have known Stephen Bannerman was going to use that path.
Sergeant Dan Scott: And Stephen wasn't exactly short of enemies, was he? Clive Cruickshank was in the pub the other night causing mayhem. Stephen threw him out, apparently.
DCI Tom Barnaby: When did you find that out?
Sergeant Dan Scott: Well, I bumped into Bella Monday. She mentioned it.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Well, why didn't you tell me?
Sergeant Dan Scott: Sorry, sir. It sort of slipped my mind. Anyway, Stephen was still alive at that point, so it didn't seem so important.
DCI Tom Barnaby: I will decide what is important, Sergeant.
Sergeant Dan Scott: Yes sir.
DCI Tom Barnaby: And Scott?
Sergeant Dan Scott: Sir?
DCI Tom Barnaby: If your mental faculties are going to go AWOL every time you bump into someone like Bella Monday, you and I are going to fall out big time, as you would say.

Benbow: No work clothes. Do all my drinking at The Cricketers in Badger's Drift.
Sergeant Dan Scott: Lucky Badger's Drift.
Benbow: Here, I hear Audrey Monday is going to prison. A terrible business.
Sergeant Dan Scott: Yes, terrible. You're lucky you're not going with her, Benbow.
Benbow: What do you mean?
Sergeant Dan Scott: Squirreling away those cartridges. You had a bloody good idea where they came from, didn't you?
Benbow: No, I never.
Sergeant Dan Scott: You cross us in the future, old man, I'll fix you up good and proper.
Benbow: All right, all right. Keep your hair on.

Sergeant Dan Scott: This is the sort of place you'd bring Totty, when you got nowhere else to go.
DCI Tom Barnaby: [sardonically] As beautifully put, as ever.
Sergeant Dan Scott: [beaming] Thank you sir!

Sergeant Dan Scott: The... ah... the Maid in Splendor, what's that about?
Michael Bannerman: Oh, that's a local legend! A young knight goes off to the Crusades before he can marry his beloved. And she vows to wait for him, but by the time he gets back, he's old, broken by war. She's still as beautiful as ever. Hasn't aged a day. So, to free her from her obligation, he dives into Lake Splendour and drowns.
DCI Tom Barnaby: Lake splendour?
Michael Bannerman: Eh, that's a stagnant pond out by Hunter's Wood. The name's ironic, at least is these days.
Sergeant Dan Scott: So the knight chucks himself in the pond, end of story?
Michael Bannerman: No, no... no, the maid was broken-hearted. She still loved him, you see? Despite his age and infirmity. So she threw herself in the lake after him. Hence the Maid in Splendor.
Sergeant Dan Scott: That's what I like: happy ending!

Sergeant Dan Scott: I'm sorry, I thought you said Ingrid Bergman.
Cully Barnaby: Ingmar Bergman.
Sergeant Dan Scott: Right, gotcha. So the bloke playing chess, he's supposed to be Death, is that it?
Cully Barnaby: I don't know why you're pretending to be interested. You slept through most of it.
Sergeant Dan Scott: No, I didn't.

Sergeant Dan Scott: That looks like the old cottage in the woods.
Benbow: Ah yes. Michael used to rent it; hunting parties and that, and picnics in the summer. It was a real village in them days.
Sergeant Dan Scott: In the good old days.
Benbow: Well, I suppose they was, yes. The trouble is no one tells you the time, do they?

[DCI Tom Barnaby and Sergeant Dan Scott exit The Maid in Splendour]
DCI Tom Barnaby: So, what do you make of that?
Sergeant Dan Scott: Typical country boozers, sir. It's only yokels and nutters.
DCI Tom Barnaby: [in a sardonic tone] Thank you Scott, that's very useful.
Sergeant Dan Scott: And as for the maid... bloke comes back from the war, his fiance's still a bit of a looker, so he jumps into the pond. And then she jumps in afterwards. I mean, you've gotta be kidding me!