- Sergeant Troy: Blimey! fancy having that as your only living relative. No wonder she preferred to save the whales.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: What an utterly useless waste of a day!
- Sergeant Troy: Oh, I don't know, sir... We've cleared quite a few people out of the way.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: We've cleared so many people out of the way, we've got no suspects left!
- Sergeant Troy: I knew we had a case as soon as I saw that terrific crack on her head.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Oh, yeah?
- Sergeant Troy: No water in the lungs. Dead when he threw her in. Stands to reason.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Sometimes I wonder why we bother going through all the usual procedures. We could just come to you.
- Avery Phillips: He hasn't always been gay. Me, I was making sequin jockstraps with Paddington when I was three.
- Sergeant Troy: Unbelievable! 60 what was it?
- D.C.I. Barnaby: 860,000 pounds over seven years.
- Sergeant Troy: Maybe she won the lottery.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Not in 1991 she didn't.
- Sergeant Troy: And then to give it all to animals.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Everyone needs something to love, Troy. And at least animals love you back.
- Sergeant Troy: Not the same, though, is it? I wouldn't fancy cuddling up at night to a Cocker Spaniel.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Oh don't knock it before you try it.
- Nicholas Bentley: [looking at Kitty's black eye] Hey, what happened to you?
- Kitty Carmichael: Walked into an accountant.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: I suppose you could almost say done the poor woman a kindness.
- Sergeant Troy: Pardon?
- D.C.I. Barnaby: She was suffering from cancer, quite advanced and apparently never treated.
- Sergeant Troy: I didn't see that.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Nobody's perfect.
- Sergeant Troy: Can either of you think of anyone who might have wanted to harm Mr. Carmichael?
- Tim Young: Well, you got a wide field. The man was a heartless shit.
- Sergeant Troy: Had personal experience at that, have you, sir?
- D.C.I. Barnaby: It took you long enough.
- Sergeant Troy: [exhales] He only tried to sell me a diary in the middle of October. In the end I got her a nice little car vacuum set.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Your mother doesn't have a car.
- Sergeant Troy: No, but it will do for her cushions and stuff.
- Kitty Carmichael: I can't believe it. Who would do such a dreadful thing? Everyone liked Esslyn.
- Avery Phillips: Well, obviously not quite everyone, darling.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Miss Marshall?
- Peggy Marshall: Yes?
- D.C.I. Barnaby: I'm Detective Chief Inspector Barnaby. This is Detective Sergeant Troy.
- Peggy Marshall: I hope you don't mind our meeting here.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: No, no. Of course not. It's very good of you to get in touch. So how did you know Agnes Gray?
- Peggy Marshall: I was assigned to take her under my wing when she first accepted instruction in the faith around six months ago.
- Sergeant Troy: That would be the Catholic Church, wouldn't it?
- Peggy Marshall: There is only one faith, young man.
- Sergeant Troy: I suppose there's no way he could be in the frame, old Mr Tibbs?
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Oh, for God's sake, Troy.
- Sergeant Troy: He *was* backstage.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: If that's all it takes, so was I.
- Sergeant Troy: Yeah, but you're not one sandwich short of a picnic.
- Esslyn Carmichael: Salieri is the lead in this play. It is me the people come to see over and over again.
- Nicholas Bentley: Only because they couldn't believe their eyes the first time.
- Esslyn Carmichael: How dare you!
- Nicholas Bentley: Oh, don't be so pompous. Everyone knows you're only an accountant.
- Esslyn Carmichael: And everyone knows your chances of getting into the professional theater.
- Esslyn Carmichael: There she was, sniveling in the corner. What's the matter, Deidre, I said. Apparently her senile old fool of a father forgot to take his tablets and gone out directing traffic at Badger's Drift.
- [laughter]
- Esslyn Carmichael: How terrible, says I. Yes, says Deidre. He doesn't know that area at all.
- [more laughter]
- David Smy: [quietly] Very funny.
- Esslyn Carmichael: Thank you.
- Nicholas Bentley: You know your problem, Esslyn?
- Esslyn Carmichael: What might that be, Nicholas?
- Nicholas Bentley: Too full of the milk of human kindness.
- Avery Phillips: Well, I must say our emsemble's excelling itself tonight. Half the cast were making things up as they went along, and the Emperor Joe is walking as if he's got a duck up his knickers.
- Kitty Carmichael: Want to know how he described your sex life? He said it was like humping a tranquilized cart horse.
- Avery Phillips: This isn't like you, Tim.
- Tim Young: How do you know what's like me? I don't even know myself sometimes.
- Avery Phillips: On the other hand, a bad dress rehearsal does make a good first night.
- Tim Young: I wonder what fatuous idiot thought of that one?
- Avery Phillips: I believe it was Abraham Lincoln.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Every time I get roped into this I tell myself it'll be the last time.
- Colin Smy: Don't we all? Cully coming down for this one, is she?
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Oh yes. Never misses if her mother's in it.
- Colin Smy: She, um, she brought any boys home yet?
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Who? Joyce? Yeah, one or two.
- Colin Smy: I wish David would.
- [pause]
- Colin Smy: He's not getting any younger. I'd love to see him, if not settle, at least going out with someone.
- D.C.I. Barnaby: Yeah, he will. Just hasn't met her yet.
- Colin Smy: Yeah.
- [sighs]
- Sergeant Troy: It's good, this. I've never been to the theater before.
- Cully Barnaby: This isn't the theater, Gavin.
- Avery Phillips: This is it, lover. No turning back.
- Tim Young: No turning back.
- Avery Phillips: Here's merde in your eye.