- Malcolm: It's amazing all the different kinds of kids you meet when you're tutoring after school. In the last six weeks alone, I've met morons, idiots, lunkheads, jackasses and one imbecile.
- [Malcolm learned to enjoy life and to stop thinking]
- Francis: [on the phone] Malcolm, you gotta help me. Is there a scientific way to prove if ice cream can be used as sunscreen?
- Malcolm: What's the flavor?
- Francis: I don't know.
- Malcolm: Is it chocolate?
- Francis: I don't know. Why are you asking? Is it going to be different if it's chocolate?
- Malcolm: No. I just like chocolate.
- Francis: Uhh, Malcolm, you didn't find that coffee can in the garage by any chance, did you?
- Francis: Is there some scientific way to find out if something is pudding without actually tasting it?
- Hal: That's melba toast. If you can't make a sandwich out of that, you're just not trying hard enough.