- Commandant Spangler: In my thirty years at this academy I have never caned the wrong cadet.
- Hal: Sir, did you say "caned?"
- Commandant Spangler: No.
- Malcolm: [Lois is sorting the laundry] Mom, what are you doing?
- Lois: For cryin' out loud, Malcolm, why am I paying for underpants that you're not wearing?
- Malcolm: [pleading] Mom...
- Lois: Why are you not wearing your underpants?
- Malcolm: [embarrassed] I want to wear boxers.
- Lois: Oh, really! Well, you may think you suddenly need all the extra room, but let me tell you my dear: you are getting *way* ahead of yourself.
- Malcolm: [to the viewer] Just once, I'd like a childhood memory I don't have to repress.
- [Malcolm has tried to get rid of Cynthia]
- Cynthia's Dad: Why did you throw a brick through my daughter's window at 2:00 am?