Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Okay, I got something to tell you and I don't want to hear so much as a titter, a snicker or a guffaw from anyone.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: You hear that Charles?
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Subject of this meeting is... The Army.
[Looks expectantly at Pierce, Hunnicut and Winchester, who sit quiet]
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: [Quietly] So far, so good.
[Regular voice]
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: I have been directed to address you on the possibility of making the Army your career.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: [Pierce, Hunnicut and Winchester all burst out in laughter. Potter crosses his arms and waits for the laughter to stop] I'm sorry! If I held that in, my teeth would have exploded!
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Come on, you gotta be kidding!
Major Charles Winchester: Gentlemen, please. It's impolite to laugh at seniles.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: [Sharply] What did he say?
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Loss of hearing is the first sign.
[All three begin laughing again]
Major Margaret Houlihan: Will you clowns keep quiet? Some of us are interested in what the Colonel has to say. Go on Colonel.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Why, thank you, Major.
[Pierce begins making kissing noises]
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: You blow one more kiss, Pierce, and those lips 'll never walk again.
Father Francis Mulcahy: Please, I'd like to hear this too.
[Pierce, Hunnicut and Winchester all make kissing noises]
Father Francis Mulcahy: Oh, blow it out your bugle! Colonel, please continue.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Gracias, Padre. Now I think you'll admit, the Army presents unique opportunities, that can't be had anywhere else.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: That's very true. What other job lets you die for a living?
Captain B.J. Hunnicut: Certainly a once in a lifetime experience.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: The Army provides a chance to see the world.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Scenic tours of all the great battlefields.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: [Through gritted teeth] It provides a home.
Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: Where even the buffalo wouldn't roam.
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Okay, that does it! Lecture's over! Class dismissed!
[Everyone heads for the door]
Colonel Sherman T. Potter: Except you Pierce! Since you insist on behaving like a dunce, you can cap it off by staying after school!
