- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: We can all be comforted by the thought that he's not really gone, there's a little Tuttle left in all of us, in fact you might say that all of us together made up Tuttle.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [creating Tuttle's service record] Religion?
- Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Atheist.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I don't believe in atheism. Let's make him a Druid.
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: What's that?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: They worship trees.
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Ah, a tree surgeon.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [writing] Druid, reformed. They're allowed to pray at bushes.
- Voice over PA: Attention, Captain Jonathan Tuttle will report to Colonel Henry Blake. On the double! Captain Jonathan Tuttle, at once.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [coming out of surgery, hearing the announcement, turning to Trapper] Shall we go back inside and build one?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [creating Tuttle's profile] Now something for Hotlips. Height: 6 foot 4. Weight: 195 pounds. Hair: Auburn. Eyes: Hazel...
- Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Hawkeye, I think I'm in love.
- Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: How did you come up with a name like Tuttle anyway?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: He was my imaginary childhood friend.
- Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: You had an imaginary friend?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Yeah, if anybody said, who knocked over the garbage? I'd say Tuttle. Who broke the window? Tuttle. Who wet the bed?
- Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Tuttle!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: He had no control.
- Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: So when you got drafted...
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Tuttle got drafted.
- Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Just in case you wet your cot.
- Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: Have you seen Tuttle?
- Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: You just missed him. He went to X-ray with Hot Lips. Said something about doing some chest pictures.
- Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: [nervously answering a phone call from General Clayton] Col. Clayton, General Blake here sir.
- Gen. Crandell Clayton: Steady, Henry.
- Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Yes, sir.
- Gen. Crandell Clayton: Uh, I just called to offer my congratulations.
- Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Well that certainly means a lot coming from you, sir. Uh, may I ask for what?
- Gen. Crandell Clayton: Well, I just got a letter from Sister Theresa!
- Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Oh, I didn't know you had a sister.
- Gen. Crandell Clayton: She's a nun.
- Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Oh, you must be very proud, sir.
- Gen. Crandell Clayton: Sister Theresa is a nun, who runs an orphanage near your outfit.
- Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: Oh well, well I mean, I don't know every nun in the uh, it's not my habit sir to uh, that's not what I mean.
- Gen. Crandell Clayton: [discussing his plans over the phone with Col. Blake to recognize Tuttle's generosity] Therefore, I've decided to come out on the field tomorrow, and personally give Cpt. Tuttle a decoration.
- Radar: [eavesdropping in on, and accidentally contributing to the conversation] Wow!
- Gen. Crandell Clayton: What's that?
- Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: I mean uh, wow, sir!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: College?
- Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Harvard?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: No, it can't be at anyplace they'll check.
- Army Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: How about "Berlin Polytechnic"?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Yeah... Berlinisches Polytechnikum... right after he graduated from Adolf Hitler High.
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Sign the original forms and initial the carbon copies or if you want you can initial the originals and sign the carbon copies and then you'd have to sign this form saying you signed where you should have initialed.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Well, you know Tuttle, no sacrifice too great. This morning, while the rest of us were selfishly having a cup of coffee, he went off in a helicopter to do some field surgery. He jumped with his plasma, his bag, everything an army doctor needs... except his parachute.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: We can all be comforted by the thought that he's not really gone. There's a little Tuttle left in of us. In fact you might say that all of us together made up Tuttle.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: [sobbing] I'll never forget him!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Our grief will pass... it's already hard to remember exactly how Johnny looked... his little laugh... Thankfully, he's left behind a memorial. I've been informed by Radar that Captain Tuttle's G.I. insurance named Sister Theresa's orphanage as his sole beneficiary! How typical. We salute you, Captain Tuttle. Humanitarian and healer. Goodbye, Tuttle..in that great big waiting room in the sky!
- [Salutes; everyone else salutes]
- Lt. Col. Henry Braymore Blake: He was the best damn O. D. we ever had!
- Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: [accosting Hawkeye after he observes him picking up Tuttle's mail] THAT is addressed to Capt. Tuttle.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Very good, Frank. You read well enough to be a druggist!
- Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: Where is he?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Who, Tuttle? He's in post-op, I'm going to drop this off for him.
- Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: Oh, well I can do that.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Oh, that's very kind of you, Frank. That certainly belies all the vicious gossip somebody is spreading about what a twisted, selfish, meanspirited, overbearing fusspot you are.
- Maj. Frank Marion 'Ferret Face' Burns: It certainly does!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Then I'll stop spreading it!