- Maj. Frank Burns: You picked a fine time to watch a dirty movie.
- Hawkeye: [They had just finished watching a movie of Frank's wedding] This was the worst of all, Frank.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: [not wanting to deal with Major Houlihan] Radar, turn on the news. Maybe the war just ended and I won't have to talk to her.
- Major Margaret Houlihan: [Frank, concluding a phone call with Hot Lips from Henry's office, waits for her to hang up] Hang up, Frank.
- Maj. Frank Burns: You hang up first.
- Major Margaret Houlihan: Oh, Frank, that's so high school!
- Maj. Frank Burns: Let's count to three and then we'll hang up together.
- Major Margaret Houlihan: OK, you start.
- Maj. Frank Burns: One.
- Major Margaret Houlihan: Two.
- Hawkeye, Trapper: [from Radar's phone] Three!
- Major Margaret Houlihan: Get 'em Frank!
- Hawkeye: [the gang is watching home movies of Frank's wedding] Oh there they are. Franklin D. White-bread marries Miss Cynthia Soon-to-be-frigid. Don't do it, Frank!
- Trapper: [In Frank's wedding video, Frank is about to cut the cake] Look, even then he didn't know how to hold a knife.
- [Laughs]
- Hawkeye: [Laughs] Watch the cake die of malpractice.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Why do I feel sorry for Frank?
- Maj. Frank Burns: Let the enemy come. We'll show them American guts in action.
- Radar: I think mine have started already, sir.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Get the window, Klinger.
- Trapper: Don't stand in the light.
- Hawkeye: You little heartbreaker.