M*A*S*H (TV Series)

There Is Nothing Like a Nurse (1974)

Wayne Rogers: Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre

Photos 

Quotes 

• Trapper : Boy, I miss my wife.

  Hawkeye : So do I. I don't even know your wife and I miss her.

  Trapper : I'll miss my wife. You miss my mother.

  Hawkeye : Fence-builder!

• Major Margaret Houlihan : [Frank, concluding a phone call with Hot Lips from Henry's office, waits for her to hang up]  Hang up, Frank.

  Maj. Frank Burns : You hang up first.

  Major Margaret Houlihan : Oh, Frank, that's so high school!

  Maj. Frank Burns : Let's count to three and then we'll hang up together.

  Major Margaret Houlihan : OK, you start.

  Maj. Frank Burns : One.

  Major Margaret Houlihan : Two.

  Hawkeye , Trapper : [from Radar's phone]  Three!

  Major Margaret Houlihan : Get 'em Frank!

• Hawkeye : [Watching Frank's home movies; the projector starts and the screen is blank]  I think I saw this movie.

  Trapper : Radar, get your hand off my knee.

  Radar : That's not funny!

• Trapper : [In Frank's wedding video, Frank is about to cut the cake]  Look, even then he didn't know how to hold a knife.

  [Laughs] 

  Hawkeye : [Laughs]  Watch the cake die of malpractice.

  Lt. Col. Henry Blake : Why do I feel sorry for Frank?

• Trapper : [Working in the OR without nurses]  If Hot Lips were here right now, I'd kiss her feet.

  Hawkeye : And bump into Frank coming around the toe?

• Trapper : If you were a nurse we'd be shipping you to the 44th

  Klinger : [irritated]  If I was a nurse I'd be home now, pregnant

• Radar : [Watching home movies of Frank's wedding; about the flower girl]  Is that their daughter?

  Trapper : That looks like you, Radar.

  Klinger : Naw, the little girl is taller.

  Radar : Who asked you?

• Lt. Col. Henry Blake : Get the window, Klinger.

  Trapper : Don't stand in the light.

  Hawkeye : You little heartbreaker.

• Hawkeye : Did you know that Washington's teeth were made of wood?

  Trapper : Really?

  Hawkeye : Martha's lips were always full of slivers.