- Gen. Mitchell: Now just a minute! This is a press conference! The last thing I want to do is answer a lot of questions!
- Hawkeye: [exasperated at Quartermaster Sloan's denial of his request for a hospital incubator] We're not asking for a jukebox or a pizza oven!
- Captain Sloan: Oh, I can let you have one of those.
- Henry Blake: No kidding! That would be great on movie nights! You got any of those pizza requisition forms?
- Captain Sloan: [referring to a generic Army requisition form] Oh, just use one of those standard S-1798s and write in "pizza" where it says "machine gun."
- Gen. Mitchell: I wonder if you doctors understand going through channels, military-wise speaking.
- Trapper: Sir, we started with a captain, went on to a major, then to a colonel.
- Hawkeye: On the way, we've encountered oral compulsiveness, raging paranoia, and a colonel who's shipping Korea to Switzerland one dollar at a time.
- Trapper: Which makes you the next contestant, General.
- Hawkeye: And the subject you've chosen is "Incubators."
- Trapper: And we need one.
- Henry Blake: [to Hawkeye and Trapper, after an incident at I Corps] Did you really yell "Give me an incubator or give me death"?
- Henry Blake: Captain Sloan here is with supply.
- Captain Sloan: More accurately, I'm with the 375th Q. M. H. Q., COMSEAPAC, SEOULSEC REPDEP.
- Hawkeye: Maybe I'll have that drink.
- Captain Sloan: Now, the business at hand is an incubator, that is if my lieutenant understood what your colonel said you captains want.
- Hawkeye: Right.
- Trapper: And we need one as soon as possible.
- Captain Sloan: Well, let's see what the good book says.
- Hawkeye: The good book?
- Captain Sloan: The Manual of Supply and Requisition.
- Hawkeye: MANSUPREQ.
- Captain Sloan: Um, "inhalator, indicator, innoculator, infusilator - " Here it is: 437 - stroke - R2, incubator.
- Henry Blake: Thar she blows!
- Captain Sloan: "Device for developing bacterial cultures at constant suitable temperatures." Uh-huh. I see. That certainly makes sense. You can't have one.
- Trapper: Radar, how do we go about requisitioning an incubator?
- Henry Blake: Just HOLD it! I'm sick and tired of you guys going over my head down to Radar!
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Oh, I don't mind, Sir.
- Hawkeye: [Mocking Colonel Blake and Captain Sloan after being told they couldn't get an incubator] "Thank you, Colonel. Sorry, Captain. Sorry, patient. You have a temperature of 109 - stroke - 10. Afraid you can't have an incubator, but you can have a pizza with everything to go. Unless of course, you go first."
- Henry Blake: Let's stay on the ground, shall we, Pierce?
- Hawkeye: Does the book allow us any ground, Captain? Otherwise, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you all to take a step up.
- Trapper: Into limbo.
- Hawkeye: No, you can't have any limbo. In fact, you can't have anything - stroke - nothing which is not approved by STATQUOPAC. Which is enough to make you reach for AIRSICKBAG.
- Major Morris: You guys! Rich young draftee doctors all dressed up like drum majorettes.
- Hawkeye: Rich? Some of my patients pay me in kittens!
- Hawkeye: General, can you tell us why MASH units never get any incubators?
- Gen. Mitchell: [stammering] Our people have this question under scrutiny at the moment. Now, if this scrutinization should yield negative, then I feel that we must maximize our efforts. Next.
- Hawkeye: Sir, I don't want to minimize your maximize, but why aren't field hospitals properly supplied with incubators? Hospitals which surprisingly attract a great number of wounded people.
- Gen. Mitchell: That question has a lot of buckshot in it.
- Hawkeye: I'm sure the answer will too.
- Major Morris: Our clerk says you want an incubator. No dice.
- Hawkeye: Yeah, but you've got three.
- Major Morris: That's right. If I give one away, I'll only have two.
- Trapper: What's wrong with two?
- Major Morris: Two is not as good as three.
- Trapper: And all we want is an incubator.
- Hawkeye: For the simple purpose of practicing better and more efficient medicine. Sir, I- I appeal to your sense of what's right.
- Colonel Lambert: [turns to his Geisha, Betty Lou]
- Betty Lou: They're full of it.
- Gen. Mitchell: Who's your commanding officer?
- Hawkeye: Uh, we'd rather not say. He'd like to go through the war anonymously.
- Reporter: General, what can you tell us about the rumored peace talks?
- Gen. Mitchell: I'm glad you brought that up, and I want to caution you all the press here...that irresponsible leaks in this area may lead this war to a premature peace!
- Hawkeye: Radar, I had the impression that we woke you about 3:30 this morning.
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: I don't know. It was ten to four.
- Trapper: Did we say why?
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: Uh. You said you wanted to sacrifice a virgin.
- Hawkeye: Well, did we?
- Corporal Walter Eugene O'Reilly: I was too sleepy.
- Henry Blake: Holy cow! Insubordination, conduct unbecoming officers, violations of articles 13 through 27, with a repeat on 26.
- Hawkeye: Oh, that must be "altering salute by placing thumb on nose".
- Colonel Lambert: An even thousand should handle it.
- Trapper: A thousand dollars?
- Colonel Lambert: Cash.
- Hawkeye: Ah. Preparing a little doggie bag for Switzerland, Colonel?
- Colonel Lambert: That's a perfect diagnosis, doctor.
- Major Morris: You know, I think I know how we can solve this problem. Why don't you guys just salute and get the hell on out of here?
- Trapper: Who's your commanding officer?
- Major Morris: Colonel Lambert is the commanding officer of this base.
- Hawkeye: Where would we find him?
- Major Morris: Well, nowhere on the base, that's for sure.
- Hawkeye: He's got his own house?
- Major Morris: He's got two of 'em, one blonde, one brunette.
- Trapper: Guess where we're going after surgery, Henry.
- Henry Blake: Oh? Without my permission?
- Hawkeye: Don't we have it?
- Henry Blake: Of course you do. You think I'd let you leave without my permission?
- Nurse Owens: Okay. I'll ship this off to the Tokyo lab. We'll know what he has in 72 hours, then you can treat him.
- Hawkeye: Seventy-two hours? The kid's so hot now, you can fry an egg on his head.
- Trapper: Why don't we have an incubator here so we can do our own tests?
- Nurse Owens: Because it would save time and effort, and it would make sense.
- Hawkeye: Can't have any of that in the army.
- Bowman: General, today's news handout contains casualty figures and bomb tonnage. Is there anything you can add?
- Gen. Mitchell: No. Only I would add that there's nothing to add.
- Maj. Frank Burns: You're not going to debauch all night, and then expect me to cleanse you with a tongue-lashing. I'm not your mother.
- Trapper: Aw, please, Frank.
- Hawkeye: Come on, Mom. Please.
- Maj. Frank Burns: No.
- Hawkeye: You have to. How're we gonna know what a good time we had unless you tell us how rotten we are?
- Henry Blake: Look at this, guys. Our own barbecue. I'll show you amateurs how to put on a party.
- Trapper: We're through with parties for a while, Henry.
- Henry Blake: Well, you'll never top last night. That was a real wingding.
- [Chuckles]
- Henry Blake: I'd have bet anything you couldn't get four people inside a sleeping bag.