- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: This is my company clerk, Corporal O'Reilly.
- Maj. Gen. Bartford Hamilton Steele: The Irish were rotten Indian fighters! Noncoms, the backbone of the service. Where are you from, son?
- Radar: Iowa, sir.
- Maj. Gen. Bartford Hamilton Steele: No talking in ranks!
- Maj. Gen. Bartford Hamilton Steele: You're insubordinate!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Right!
- Maj. Gen. Bartford Hamilton Steele: You're insolent!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Right! And you're nuts!
- Maj. Gen. Bartford Hamilton Steele: Just tell us what happened at the chopper pad. But First a number.
- Warrent Officer Martin 'Marty' Williams: [pause, and looks at Hawkeye and Henry] Sir?
- Maj. Gen. Bartford Hamilton Steele: A musical number. Why it's in your blood boy!
- [singing and dancing]
- Maj. Gen. Bartford Hamilton Steele: When the sun goes down, and the darkies go to town, Hey hey what do you say.
- [Continues singing and dancing on out of the tent - The JAG officer looks back at Henry, and places the papers back into his file]
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Man. More stuff's coming in from headquarters. New orders, regulations. Read that first one, Radar.
- Radar: Uh, yes sir. Uh, the winners of the model yacht race at the cesspool are...
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Not that, Radar!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Nah, let him read it! I haven't seen a sports page in months!
- Radar: First place went to Pvt. Norman Polanski with his yacht, the American Beauty Dream. Corncob construction, with toilet paper sails.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Ah, that Polanski has the sea in his blood.
- Radar: Second prize to Corporal Timothy McInerney for his clipper, the Evangeline, carved from a pound cake his mother sent him six months ago.
- Trapper: Hope he doesn't invite us for dessert.
- Radar: The remainder of the contestants didn't finish due to a sudden undertow after breakfast.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: [arguing about General Steele's orders to move the camp closer to the front line] I can't just disobey orders! The guy's a 2 star general!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Yeah. but he's a 3-star looney!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [after General Steele dances out of a court marshal hearing singing a song] I take it we don't have to leave.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Only the general does.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Yeah, in a rubber truck.
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: Can you still see the hair in my nose?
- Trapper: Uh huh, but it's parted on the wrong side.
- Major Franklin Marion Burns: I never realized I had so much hair up there.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: I did. I just thought it was an ingrown mustache.
- Maj. Gen. Bartford Hamilton Steele: [Klinger, wearing a dress, walks up to General Steele and salutes] Not now, Marjorie. I'm inspecting the troops.
- Maj. Gen. Bartford Hamilton Steele: [off camera; probably pointing to the Swamp] What's that over there Colonel?
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Officer's quarters, sir.
- Maj. Gen. Bartford Hamilton Steele: And there?
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: [proudly] That's our four-place latrine, sir.
- Maj. Gen. Bartford Hamilton Steele: Good thinking. The men can encourage each other.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Camaraderie.
- Maj. Gen. Bartford Hamilton Steele: Precisely!
- Maj. Gen. Bartford Hamilton Steele: [referring to an earlier remark Blake had made about his mother's canary] Canary had bronchitis, eh?
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: He didn't die of it, though; he fell off his little swing and smashed his bill.
- Maj. Gen. Bartford Hamilton Steele: Good. I hate birds.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: [to Radar, referring the General Steele waiting to find a location to move the unit to] Come on. Let's not keep Ding Dong waiting!
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Colonel, is it alright if I go out and start the exercises. I'm dying to get into a size 9.