- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: [Backed into a wall of his tent by a cow] Sit, lady. Stay. RADAR!
- Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: [Off] Sir, there's a Korean family out here!
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Well their dog's in here!
- Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: [Looking through door] Holy cow!
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Never mind his religion, Radar! Just get him out of here.
- Capt. Sam Pak: Good news.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: I'll take it.
- Capt. Sam Pak: I had a long, reasonable talk with the farmer. Everything's cool.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Great.
- Capt. Sam Pak: You got three days to get the hell outta here.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Sam, what's Korean for "suicide"?
- Capt. Sam Pak: That's the Japanese. We don't do that shtick.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: You wanna step in my office for another goody? Sam, this is Miss Choon Hi. The baby is Su Yong. Stand by for the fingering of the father.
- Capt. Sam Pak: Aha.
- Choon Hi: Him not doctor.
- Capt. Sam Pak: You betcha. I don't make house calls.
- [cowboy accent]
- Capt. Sam Pak: Wal, Sheriff, looks like you got troubles right here in Pregnant City!
- Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: It's not mine!
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: The mother says it is.
- Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: Well, what does she know? I mean, she's mixing me up with somebody else.
- Capt. Sam Pak: That's possible. You all look alike to us.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Come on, Radar. Level. Could you be the father?
- Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: Of course I could, but I'm not. I mean, I do, but I didn't!
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Do you admit that you know her?
- Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: Sure I know her. She's from the village. I've run into her a few times.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Well, *once* anyway.
- Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: No! Never!
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: You'd better be telling the truth, Radar. They're sending someone from the Judge Advocate to question you.
- Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: I'm not worried.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Radar, why would she pick on you?
- Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Of all people.
- Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: Now what is that crack? Just 'cause I don't fool around like you guys doesn't mean I don't fool around like you guys!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: [Radar is cleared after attempting to confess about the baby] Why, Radar?
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Do you remember when she first came around and I said that I do, but I didn't?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Mm.
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Well, I didn't because I don't, and I never... .
- [long pause]
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: But I sure liked the way it felt when everybody thought I did.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: You will.
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: You think?
- [Hawkeye nods reassuringly. Radar grins]
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Oh.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: You wanna save us the trouble?
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: I'm not worried.
- Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: You understand the implications?
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: I do.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Remember that phrase.
- Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: We're going to match the mother's blood type and the baby's blood type against yours.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: [checks Radar's dog tags] He's "B."
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Stop peeking at my blood.
- Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: And if the baby's blood type doesn't match yours, you're off the hook.
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: And if it does?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Then that means it's possible. In which case you either marry the young lady and take financial responsibility, or if you want the easy way out, we can adopt you and hide you in the attic.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Radar. You're dismissed until your presence is re-required.
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Where should I go?
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Try out.
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Out?
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Out, Radar, as in "not in"?
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Oh, that out.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Uh, Lieutenant Harper, this is Captain Pak, R.O.K. And this is Lieutenant Mulcahy, G-O-D.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Frank, why don't you call the Civilian Affairs officer?
- Maj. Frank Burns: Me, sir?
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Yeah, I talked with him. The man makes no sense, and you're very good at that.
- Maj. Frank Burns: Yes, sir! Thank you, sir!