M*A*S*H (TV Series)
Rainbow Bridge (1974)
Alan Alda: Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce
Photos
Quotes
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Hawkeye : It could be a trap, Trap.
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Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre : I'd like to see my wife again.
Hawkeye : I'd like to see anybody's wife again.
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Lt. Col. Henry Blake : Oh, yes. Well, I'm afraid this is what you call your command decision. It's "lonely at the top" time. Strictly something for your leader.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : [Long pause] Well, Henry?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake : Oh, golly. Whatever you people decide is fine with me.
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Maj. Frank Burns : Now, listen, hotshot. I'm a pretty fair doctor myself. Ask any of my patients.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : We can't dig people up just for that.
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Hawkeye : [at Rainbow Bridge after how Frank says how the "R-E-D" can't speak fluent English] The R-E-D speaks better English than Y-O-U do.
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Dr. Lin Tam : [laughing at the Baby Browning Margaret loaned to Frank] What the hell is that?
Hawkeye : It came from a box of Cracker Jacks. It's also a whistle.
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Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre : [Frank reaches for his gun] Come on, let's have it.
Maj. Frank Burns : Have what?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Give it to them, Frank, before they give us a .32-caliber enema.
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Maj. Frank Burns : It's a good thing I brought a piece.
Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre : Piece of what, Frank?
Maj. Frank Burns : A gun, ya jerk.
[They stop walking suddenly]
Maj. Frank Burns : I got it stuck in my belt.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Frank, if they find that gun on you, they're gonna play Mah-Jongg with our teeth later.
Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre : Frank, are you out of what's left of your mind?
Maj. Frank Burns : Now, if they start anything, I'll take out the officer and you disarm the ones with the guns.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : [Nervous chuckle] Bite your Mao Tse-tung.
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Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly : Sign here, Colonel.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake : Radar, I spent the entire morning signing my name. Why didn't you have me sign this while I was signing all those other things I was signing my name to, which I didn't know why I was signing them either?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Signing.
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Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Frank would volunteer for a firing squad. Or to be in front of it.
Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre : Or both.
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan : Colonel, I protest this attack on Major Burns' character in his absence.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Actually, we're attacking his absence of character.
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Father Francis Mulcahy : I hate to interfere with your rest and relaxation,
[Chuckles]
Father Francis Mulcahy : but I do have a short shopping list from some of the gang. And of course the filthy lucre to pay for same.
Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre : What do we got here?
Father Francis Mulcahy : Oh, the usual... cameras, lenses, watches.
Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre : [Trapper looks at the list] A training bra?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Can't be for anybody we know.
Father Francis Mulcahy : Klinger. Understandably, there's some gaps in my education. What exactly is a training bra?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : It's just like an ordinary one, only it has two little wheels in back.
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Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : [about a patient in O.R] You can do this, Major.
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan : I'm not sterile.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Congratulations.
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Dr. Lin Tam : You have violated the agreed conditions. Your wounded will remain with us.
Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre : Doctor, hold it!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Wait a minute! Look, you're doing something decent in the middle of a giant indecency. Don't endanger nine men just because some idiot wants to do his General Custer impersonation.
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Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : [after Klinger gives Hawkeye a manicure] Very nice. You really do a good job, Klinger.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : Well, I'm not just another pretty face.
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Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : You speak very good English, Doctor.
Dr. Lin Tam : University of Illinois.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : No kidding? Our commanding officer went to Illinois.
Maj. Frank Burns : Well there's no need for us to get friendly here.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Uh, Henry Blake. Uh, about 6'3", narrow shoulders, big hips, sort of shaped like a pear?
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Maj. Frank Burns : I remind you, Captain Pierce, army standard triage procedure is as follows: American wounded first, allies second, enemy last. Repeat, last.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Frank, that man is bleeding more than anybody in here, with the possible exception of your nose if you don't get out of my way.
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Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre : Ah. Three days without shaking hands with somebody's gall bladder. For your divine help in granting us this sabbatical, we give thanks, O Lord.
Father Francis Mulcahy : [Father Mulcahy walks in] You rang?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : I didn't know He made house calls.
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Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : You have very strong hands, sir.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Oh, thank you, Klinger. My father gave them to me for graduation. He had to. Mom gave me a pen and pencil set.
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Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : This man's got a chest wound. He ought to be in O.R. right now.
Maj. Frank Burns : He happens to be Chinese.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Then we'll operate with chopsticks.
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Lt. Col. Henry Blake : I don't know. Going up there without any protection might just be asking for it.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : We know the Chinese are more decent with our wounded than the North Koreans.
Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre : Yeah, they know we give their wounded a break.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : I think it's a real offer.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake : Yeah, but if it's not, if you guys get killed. I'll never hear the end of it.
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Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : Corporal Klinger, volunteering for corpsman duty, sir.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake : Really, Klinger?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Terrific.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : What the hell. Maybe I can get out for bravery. I'm sure not making it for nutsery.