- Hawkeye: [counseling a soldier who wants rhinoplasty] Listen, there are a lot of people who think a big nose is a sign of sexual potency. - Sorry, Father.
- Father Mulcahy: I just translate things like that into Latin. Makes them sound noble.
- PA Announcer: Attention, Major Robbins report for emergency surgery. Major Burns, report to the CO. Major Houlihan report to supply. Those are the major announcements for the day.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: What am I signing, Radar?
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Uh, well, it's concerning that thing you don't want to know anything about, sir. You know the reason why you're not here today.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Do you want me to sign this pass?
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Yes, sir.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Is someone going somewhere?
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: No, sir.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Then why does someone who's not going anywhere need a pass?
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Well, if I explain it to you then you'll know.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Yeah.
- [Signs pass]
- Hawkeye: Baker, all a nose is is a nose. It takes in air, and it breaks up the space between your eyes and your mouth. It has nothing to do with a person's value or quality. It's there to catch a cold through, or at which to look down on people from. Enjoy it. You've been given a good, strong, aquiline nose.
- Private Danny Baker: That went back for seconds.
- Trapper: I like it. Its got character.
- Hawkeye: Yeah, it's got a sort of assertive je ne sais quoi.
- Private Danny Baker: And it arrives everywhere five minutes ahead of me.
- Hawkeye: Hey, you don't have a copyright on it, you know.
- Trapper: There are plenty of great people with big probosci.
- Hawkeye: You know why Napoleon always kept his hand down here? He was scratching his nose.
- Private Danny Baker: Look. I appreciate, and you're only trying to make me feel better.
- Trapper: It's only true.
- Private Danny Baker: You don't have to live with the jokes. "Excuse me, but my bus is late, and it's raining. Mind if I stand under your nose?" "Ever thought of putting in an attic?" At my draft board, the guy next to me says, "You could be 4-F. Just tell them you're an anteater." What about it?
- Trapper: The point is, kid, we're not plastic surgeons.
- Hawkeye: Yeah, it's not a tough operation, but it's a specialty. I mean we don't want to just "denosify" you. We want it done right.
- Trapper: It's also against regulations.
- Private Danny Baker: You think this is regulation?
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: [in anger, storming towards Trapper and Hawkeye, holding a headless Geisha doll previously on his desk] Who broke my doll?
- Maj. Frank Burns: [walking from Henry's office into Radar's office] What are you doing here?
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: [nervously, while holding a phone receiver up to his ear] I was drafted, sir.
- Maj. Frank Burns: Your nose is supposed to be broken.
- [Taps Radar's nose]
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Uh, yes, well Dr. Pierce said it was just a sprain and if I kept off it for a month I'll only have to put liquids in it.
- Maj. Frank Burns: [Raising his voice in agitation] I'm a doctor, and that's crazy!
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: I've heard that, sir.
- Maj. Frank Burns: I have bigger fish to catch than you!
- [Starts walking out of the office]
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Uh, uh, uh, er, Major? Telephone. It's your wife. Your anniversary call.
- Maj. Frank Burns: Well that was last month.
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: It just got though.
- [hands phone over to Frank and walks out of the office]
- Maj. Frank Burns: Louise?
- [excitedly]
- Maj. Frank Burns: Yes it's me darling. How are you sweetheart?
- [as Margaret walks into the office]
- Maj. Frank Burns: Oh gosh, it's good to talk to you, honey!
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Who the HELL is THAT?
- Maj. Frank Burns: [startled, covers phone receiver and turns toward Margaret] MY WIFE!
- [returning to his call]
- Maj. Frank Burns: What? Uh, uh.
- [chuckles nervously]
- Maj. Frank Burns: Oh, Major Houlihan just came in.
- [turns back toward Margaret]
- Maj. Frank Burns: Hi Jim!
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Furthermore and to wit
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: To what?
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Not to what to wit