M*A*S*H (TV Series)

Operation Noselift (1974)

Alan Alda: Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce

Photos 

Quotes 

• Hawkeye : [counseling a soldier who wants rhinoplasty]  Listen, there are a lot of people who think a big nose is a sign of sexual potency. - Sorry, Father.

  Father Mulcahy : I just translate things like that into Latin. Makes them sound noble.

• Hawkeye : Hey, Trap. Major Houlihan just had her pulse taken by an octopus. St. George time.

  Trapper : [in Southern accent, taking Maj. Houlihan in his arms]  There, there, my Margaret. Ain't nothin' gonna harm you lessen' you leave old Uncle Trapper's arms.

• Hawkeye : Baker, all a nose is is a nose. It takes in air, and it breaks up the space between your eyes and your mouth. It has nothing to do with a person's value or quality. It's there to catch a cold through, or at which to look down on people from. Enjoy it. You've been given a good, strong, aquiline nose.

  Private Danny Baker : That went back for seconds.

  Trapper : I like it. Its got character.

  Hawkeye : Yeah, it's got a sort of assertive je ne sais quoi.

  Private Danny Baker : And it arrives everywhere five minutes ahead of me.

  Hawkeye : Hey, you don't have a copyright on it, you know.

  Trapper : There are plenty of great people with big probosci.

  Hawkeye : You know why Napoleon always kept his hand down here? He was scratching his nose.

  Private Danny Baker : Look. I appreciate, and you're only trying to make me feel better.

  Trapper : It's only true.

  Private Danny Baker : You don't have to live with the jokes. "Excuse me, but my bus is late, and it's raining. Mind if I stand under your nose?" "Ever thought of putting in an attic?" At my draft board, the guy next to me says, "You could be 4-F. Just tell them you're an anteater." What about it?

  Trapper : The point is, kid, we're not plastic surgeons.

  Hawkeye : Yeah, it's not a tough operation, but it's a specialty. I mean we don't want to just "denosify" you. We want it done right.

  Trapper : It's also against regulations.

  Private Danny Baker : You think this is regulation?