- Charles: Colonel, I, ah, I think I should tell you, my father knows Harry Truman. He doesn't like him, but he knows him.
- Col. Potter: Fine, you have dad call Harry, then Harry will call me, and maybe we'll work something out. In the mean time, vamoose.
- Charles: Alright Colonel, I am... vamoosing.
- [muttering to Radar]
- Charles: Fix the phone!
- [normal voice]
- Charles: But know this. You can cut me off from the civilized world. You can incarcerate me with two moronic cellmates. You can torture me with your thrice daily swill, but you cannot break the spirit of a Winchester. My voice shall be heard from this wilderness and I shall be delivered from this fetid and festering sewer.
- Col. Potter: I think he's starting to get the hang of this place.
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: [of the broken phone] Somebody madder than you got to it first.
- Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Corporal, I assure you, nobody in Korea is madder than me.
- [Winchester is having his part of the Swamp cleaned by a local]
- Korean Woman: Finish!
- Charles: You have not done the corners!
- Korean Woman: Finish!
- Charles: You haven't made my bed!
- Korean Woman: Finish!
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Major Winchester, sir, may I ask a question?
- Charles: You may.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Could I stop by sometime for a cup of ego?
- Col. Potter: You're staying because I need you.
- Charles: [incensed] And if I refuse?
- Col. Potter: You'll be making gravel at Leavenworth! Comprende?
- Charles: [resigned] Comprendo.
- Col. Potter: [Hawkeye and B.J. learn that Major Winchester has permanently replaced Frank Burns] Would you rather have Burns?
- Hawkeye: He was more fun to be cruel to.
- Capt. Schaeffer: [Klinger and Capt. Schaeffer enter Potter's office, presumably to review Klinger's eligibility for a Section 8 discharge] I expected other officers, Colonel... a review board.
- Col. Potter: Road apples, Private!
- Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: Captain, Colonel.
- Col. Potter: Private, Corporal.
- Capt. Schaeffer: Private?
- Capt. Schaeffer: Well... caught again.
- Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: Hold it. Wait... wait... wait a minute. I thought...
- Col. Potter: Button it, button it!
- Capt. Schaeffer: Let him talk.
- Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: You're my lawyer!
- Col. Potter: Your lawyer is a buck private and he's no lawyer.
- Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: I beg your... How's that?
- Col. Potter: According to his captain, a *real* captain, Schaeffer here has been bucking for a Section 8 longer than you have! Busted twice. Done four months in the slammer. Has impersonated a doctor, a bombardier, a tank commander, even a chaplain!
- Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: A chaplain!
- Capt. Schaeffer: At this very moment, somewhere in America, 25 couples are living in sin.
- Hawkeye: [Hawkeye is talking to Major Burns on the phone, presumably for the last time] Best of luck to you, too, Frank.
- Radar: [Hawkeye hangs up phone, then takes it and throws it out the door] Hey, I'm responsible for that!
- [runs out door to retrieve phone]
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: You seem a trifle irked.
- Hawkeye: The Army, in its infinite wisdom, has not only cleared Frank of all charges, they have assigned him to a Veterans' hospital in Indiana, and promoted him to Lt. Colonel.
- Radar: [an angry B.J. attempts to grab the phone from Radar, who has returned with it and is making repairs] Oh, no!
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: I was just going to complain to my congressman!
- [attempts to grab it again]
- Radar: Oh, no!
- Col. Potter: Cigar?
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Will it stunt my growth?
- Col. Potter: What do you got to lose?
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Is it habit forming?
- Col. Potter: Nah. I've been smoking five cigars a day for 45 years. Never got the habit.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: [Charles is listening to classical music on his victrola] Hey, we got us a new record player.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Please, Beej. Mozart. Have you no respect for classical music?
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Are you kidding? I got the William Tell Overture... by Spike Jones.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: Oh.
- Col. Horace Baldwin: For the next 48 hours, you belong to a MASH unit that's short a man.
- Charles: MASH? That's one of those traveling medicine shows, isn't it?
- Col. Horace Baldwin: Right. Grab the next flight to Seoul and get out to Colonel Potter at the 4077th.
- Charles: Why send your best doctor into a war zone?
- Col. Horace Baldwin: Relax. It's just like two days here... except for the artillery... and the snakes. Better get moving, Winchester.
- Charles: Surely you jest.
- Col. Horace Baldwin: Surely you *go.*
- Maj. Winchester: [explaining his approach to surgery] I do one thing at a time, I do it very well, and then I move on.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: Frank Burns was a little too by the book for you guys. But, I personally have some very fond memories of our friendship.
- [looks through Frank's belongings]
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: That dirty rat! My alarm clock! He told me the bellboy took it.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Would you like to talk to Father Mulcahy?
- The Sergeant: Okay, but I'm an atheist.
- Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Really?
- The Sergeant: Swear to God.
- Col. Potter: Well, Major Winchester, I can't tell you how happy I am you've decided to join us. And remember, if you ever have a problem, feel free to stop in. My tent flap is always open.
- Col. Potter: Teddy Roosevelt had a transvestite in his outfit. Rode sidesaddle up San Juan Hill.
- Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: Is that true, Captain?
- Capt. Schaeffer: Could be.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce: [to Charles] We're not any better than you. It's just that by sheer repetition, we've gotten fast.
- Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: You shyster! Why did you lie to me, get my hopes up?
- Capt. Schaeffer: I figured you'd understand, you're my own kind!
- Col. Potter: [Potter whistles for the MP's, they enter] He's all yours, boys.
- Capt. Schaeffer: Well, hang in there, Klinger!
- [begins to leave with the MP's]
- Capt. Schaeffer: I was an MP once, too!
- Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: I feel like crying.
- Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: Colonel Baldwin assured me this is just temporary.
- Col. Potter: Is this the same Colonel Baldwin who owes you $600?
- Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: [laughs] Yes.
- Col. Potter: Need I say more?
- Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III: You mean to tell me that I have to stay here... just because somebody owes me $672.17?
- Col. Potter: Bring me back a Snickers bar.
- Radar: With nuts?
- Col. Potter: No.
- Radar: Milky Way.
- Col. Potter: [fidgeting with his teeth] Damn partial.