M*A*S*H (TV Series)

Fade Out, Fade In (1977)

Rick Hurst: Capt. Schaeffer

Photos 

Quotes 

• Capt. Schaeffer : [Klinger and Capt. Schaeffer enter Potter's office, presumably to review Klinger's eligibility for a Section 8 discharge]  I expected other officers, Colonel... a review board.

  Col. Potter : Road apples, Private!

  Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger : Captain, Colonel.

  Col. Potter : Private, Corporal.

  Capt. Schaeffer : Private?

  Capt. Schaeffer : Well... caught again.

  Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger : Hold it. Wait... wait... wait a minute. I thought...

  Col. Potter : Button it, button it!

  Capt. Schaeffer : Let him talk.

  Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger : You're my lawyer!

  Col. Potter : Your lawyer is a buck private and he's no lawyer.

  Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger : I beg your... How's that?

  Col. Potter : According to his captain, a *real* captain, Schaeffer here has been bucking for a Section 8 longer than you have! Busted twice. Done four months in the slammer. Has impersonated a doctor, a bombardier, a tank commander, even a chaplain!

  Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger : A chaplain!

  Capt. Schaeffer : At this very moment, somewhere in America, 25 couples are living in sin.

• Col. Potter : Teddy Roosevelt had a transvestite in his outfit. Rode sidesaddle up San Juan Hill.

  Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger : Is that true, Captain?

  Capt. Schaeffer : Could be.

• Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger : You shyster! Why did you lie to me, get my hopes up?

  Capt. Schaeffer : I figured you'd understand, you're my own kind!

  Col. Potter : [Potter whistles for the MP's, they enter]  He's all yours, boys.

  Capt. Schaeffer : Well, hang in there, Klinger!

  [begins to leave with the MP's] 

  Capt. Schaeffer : I was an MP once, too!

  Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger : I feel like crying.