- Hawkeye: [playacting] "What did you do in the war, Daddy?"
- Hawkeye: "I was latrine officer, son. My outfit never made a move without me!"
- Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: [throwing papers into the stove] Hey, should we leave in the staples?
- Hawkeye: Damn the staples, man. This is war. Everyone has to live dangerously.
- Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: [the door opens and lets in a blast of cold air. Radar comes in with men carrying cots] Hey, close the door!
- Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: Okay, guys, put 'em right in here.
- Hawkeye: What's going on?
- Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: [holding up clipboard] New sleeping arrangements, by order of Corporal O'Reilly, housing officer.
- Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: [Trapper grabs the clipboard and throws it in the stove] Hey!
- Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: By order of Captain McIntyre, heating officer.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: All right, people, I'm gonna give it to you straight. Starting right here and now, we're all going to have to put our shoulders to the wheel, our noses to the grindstone. We've got to hunker down and pull together, all for one and one for all.
- Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Welcome to the Henry Blake Cliche Festival.
- Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: [Blake and Radar come into the Swamp for the night] Colonel Blake's party!
- Hawkeye: We have your reservation, sir. A single bed for yourself and a cradle for your son.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Let's not have a lot of tongue-wagging in here tonight.
- Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: Which bed should I take, sir?
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Well, let me face away from everybody, Radar, on account of me snoring.
- Hawkeye: Oh, lovely!
- Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Henry, you're joking.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Joking? Heh. I could be on the Olympic Snoring team. I snored the siding half off of my house. I even got a fan letter once from the seismograph people at Fordham.
- Hawkeye: How are we supposed to sleep with that?
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Well, if it gets too bad, just do what my wife does.
- Hawkeye: What's that?
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: [smiling] Hold me close!
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: [everything in his office had been used for kindling] I mean, I'm speaking to you from deep inside a real big empty.
- Father Francis Mulcahy: [prayer before bed with all the guys in the SWAMP] "Now I lay me down to sleep, a bag of peanuts at my feet. If I should die before I before I wake, give them to my brother Jake."
- Frank Burns: What would have happened in 1776 if the Minutemen on their way to Concord had stopped to worry about toilet paper?
- Hawkeye: So we would have had independence ten minutes later.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Radar will be the housing officer. Now, before this is over, we may have to double up or even triple up to save heat. Radar will decide who sleeps with who.
- Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre: Radar, I'd like to see you right after the meeting.
- Radar: [as Hawkeye and Trapper wrestle with Frank Burns, for his battery-warmed socks] They're hunting socks, sir.
- Henry Blake: At this hour?
- Frank Burns: [looking at Klinger] What's he doing in here?
- Hawkeye: Sharing our tent.
- Frank Burns: Not on your nellie. You won't catch me sleeping with an enlisted man.
- Hawkeye: Frank...
- Frank Burns: Hmm?
- Hawkeye: Just wrap yourself in the flag and go to sleep.
- Trapper: And don't get in bed with that gun. That's an order.
- Frank Burns: A captain can't give a major an order.
- Hawkeye: Then it's a threat.
- Frank Burns: Well, that's different. This was a great war until you guys showed up.
- Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger: Major Houlihan threw me out of the nurses' tent. She found out I was a man.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: You gotta get up pretty early in the morning to fool Major Houlihan.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: [finding a baked ham in Frank's bag] 'Ello, 'ello, 'ello.
- Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: What is it?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Mr. Minuteman here has climbed down off the Washington Monument long enough to do a little Valley Forge gorging.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Our supply line's been cut.
- Maj. Frank Burns: Who did that?
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: ...The other side, Frank.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: We can't do everything ourselves.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: [Henry sits down at his desk, which is now a foot shorter] Radar, am I getting taller or is the room shrinking?
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Somebody cut the legs off, sir.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Oh, that's dirty pool.
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Well they'll burn anything to keep warm, sir.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: I know, but to cut off a man's legs and steal his drawers...
- Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: What's going on?
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: New sleeping arrangements by order of Corporal O'Reilly, housing officer.
- [Trapper grabs Radar's clipboard and throws it into the furnace]
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Hey!
- Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: By order of Captain McIntyre, heating officer.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Frank, why aren't you sleeping with a blanket?
- Maj. Frank Burns: None of your beeswax.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Everybody else is freezing.
- Maj. Frank Burns: It's my metabolism. I'm hyperthyroid. Very low blood pressure, very low body temperature.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: That comes from being dead for two years.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: I think this entire unit should go on immediate red alert.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: That makes good sense. I would make it conditional, however.
- Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan: On what?
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: On what does red alert mean?
- P.A. Announcer: All personnel must begin sleeping together tonight. Check bulletin board to determine the sex of your tent.
- Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Henry, did you call Regimental yet?
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Yes, I called Regimental and they said they're doing their best.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: You know there are people at the Alamo still waiting for supplies?
- Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: [Hawkeye puts a hot brick into a bedpan] What's for dinner? Brick again?
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: I gotta heat my cot. When all of this is over, I'm going to invent an electric bedpan.
- Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Yeah, sure.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Oh, you scoff. They laughed at Orville Wright when he invented his brother, Wilbur. Said he would never get him off the ground.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Radar, what's the poop on the overall situation, status-wise?
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: Oh, we're not too bad, sir. The food's holding out and the fueI's okay. We are having a little trouble with the... T-paper shortage.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Oh?
- Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: People are breaking into the fortune cookies.
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Captain Pierce - maintenance and general service and supplies. Major Houlihan, you'll look after the nurses.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: Margaret, I'll trade you my maintenance for your nurse looking after.
- Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: Here you go, sir.
- [hands a clipboard to Col. Blake]
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: Radar, give me this here clipboard I got here.
- Maj. Frank Burns: This place ought to be called Benedict Arnold Hospital!
- Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre: Hey, Frank made a joke.
- Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce: I think we ought to get a second opinion on that.