- J'onn J'onzz: Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Kent. I hope I'm not disturbing you. Super... uh, Clark, was most insistent that I spend the holidays with you. My name is J'onn... I'm a Martian.
- Pa Kent: Oh, we're no strangers to aliens in this house. You just make yourself at home.
- Pa Kent: We used to wrap his presents in lead foil so he couldn't peek.
- Clark Kent: [Clark looks momentarily confused] You mean *Santa* wrapped them.
- Ma Kent: Oh, of course, dear.
- [Ultra-Humanite places the toy in front of the children; it lights up, and starts playing the theme from "The Nutcracker."]
- D.J. Rubber Ducky: [Humanite's voice] Hello, children. Come close and I'll tell you a story.
- Little Girl: Is that D.J. Rubber Ducky?
- Little Boy: He sounds weird.
- D.J. Rubber Ducky: [as they gather round] Little Clara had just received a beautiful toy nutcracker from her godfather, the mysterious Herr Drosselmeyer...
- Ultra-Humanite: Well? An improvement, wouldn't you say?
- The Flash: I kind of liked it when he made the poopy noise.
- [Humanite frowns; Flash looks at the children, listening raptly to the story]
- D.J. Rubber Ducky: That night, as Clara slept beneath the Christmas tree, her beloved toy came alive to lead her on an unforgettable adventure...
- The Flash: But this is good too.
- Ultra-Humanite: [of the top hat] I won't wear it.
- The Flash: Oh, come on, I'm wearing the beard. You don't want to scare the kids, do you?
- Ultra-Humanite: The indignity...
- Ultra-Humanite: You'll be happy to know, Flash, that your words - jejeune though they were - did not fall on deaf ears. I appreciate the sentiment behind them and therefore call a truce in honor of the season.
- The Flash: Seriously?
- Ultra-Humanite: You'll have the toy to give to your young friends. I'm improving it, too.
- The Flash: [suspicious] It's not gonna blow up or anything?
- Ultra-Humanite: [puh-leeze] Flash. It IS Christmas.
- Ma Kent: [after J'onn puts on his sweater] I wasn't sure about the size...
- [J'onn shape-shifts, expanding his upper body to fill out the sweater]
- J'onn J'onzz: [smiles] I can grow into it.
- Clark Kent: That's why I like coming home for the holidays. I can just relax and be myself.
- Pa Kent: Okay, everyone! I'm turning on the Christmas tree!
- Clark Kent: Pa! That's my job!
- [runs downstairs]
- [last lines; Clark and his parents listen to J'onn singing in Martian]
- Clark Kent: And he said he didn't bring a gift.
- The Flash: Don't you remember what it's like to have your heart set on something and that awful feeling when you didn't get it?
- Ultra-Humanite: Yes. And I usually have you and your teammates to blame for that.
- The Flash: I was talking about Christmas.
- Ultra-Humanite: Oh, that garish, hollow charade. Forced jollity on every lip, insincere goodwill in every heart. Tidings of comfort and joy indeed.
- The Flash: For a creep that claims to personify human advancement, I'd think you'd know what it means to pass along goodwill, especially to kids who need some. I'd like to think they'd grow up to pass that goodwill on to others.
- Ultra-Humanite: A not unworthy aspiration.
- The Flash: [Humanite re-inserts his gun's battery] You can go ahead and use that thing for all I care. I couldn't feel any worse.
- Ultra-Humanite: [pistol-whipping him] As you wish.
- [Hawkgirl takes Green Lantern to her idea of a celebration - a dive bar on a sleazy planet]
- Shayera Hol: [throws the doors open] Hi, guys!
- Entire Crowd: SHAYERA!
- Shayera Hol: You fly through space all the time but sliding down a snowy hill makes you shriek like a child?
- Green Lantern: Each winter, my grandmother would take me sledding in the park. It was the best part of Christmas.
- Hawkgirl: With all respect to your grandmother, I don't see what's so special about the snow.
- [he uses his ring to build a snowman]
- Hawkgirl: That's clever.
- Green Lantern: How about this?
- [falling to the ground and making a snow angel]
- Green Lantern: It's a snow angel. See my wings?
- Hawkgirl: [unimpressed] Right.
- [getting hit with a snowball]
- Hawkgirl: Hey! What was that for?
- Green Lantern: It's *supposed* to be fun.
- Hawkgirl: Okay. Let's have fun.
- Green Lantern: [she uses her mace to scoop snow onto him] Whoa!
- [emerging with help from his ring]
- Green Lantern: Lady, you are asking for it.
- Hawkgirl: [collecting an armful of snow] Bring it on, snowman!
- The Flash: [investigating an explosion at a museum] Wow. Someone sure did a number on this place.
- Ultra-Humanite: Actually, I hadn't even started.
- [cocking and aiming a weapon]
- Ultra-Humanite: Do you believe the horrendous amount of public funding spent on this so-called art?
- [Flash dodges his gun discharges]
- Ultra-Humanite: It's garbage, an affront to any decent human aesthetic!
- The Flash: O... kay. I'll just take you back to prison, where you won't have to look at the ugly old sculptures anymore.
- J'onn J'onzz: [at the Kent farm] This is a bad idea.
- Clark Kent: No way was I gonna leave you alone in the Watchtower on Christmas Eve. Besides, Batman practically begged for monitor duty. You'll love it. Trust me.
- Green Lantern: [in a bar fight] This is insane!
- Hawkgirl: Yeah! Isn't it great? Much better than a snowball fight.
- Green Lantern: [sarcastic] Oh, much.
- The Flash: [after promising to secure a D.J. Rubber Ducky doll, but finding all the toy stores sold out] I take it back. Grodd was never *this* much trouble.
- [getting an idea from a Santa toy on display]
- The Flash: That's it! I'll go right to the source.
- [transition to him leaving the store's corporate headquarters in Japan]
- Mr. Hama: This is our very last Rubber Ducky, but since it is for the great hero Flash, we are happy to give it with our compliments.
- The Flash: I can't thank you enough, Mr. Hama. It'll mean so much to the kids.
- Clark Kent: [at his parents' house for the holiday] Where's Kara?
- Ma Kent: Skiing with Barbara. She'll be home for New Year's.
- Clark Kent: [to J'onn] Well, as long as she's not here, you can have her room.
- [leading him in]
- Clark Kent: You should be nice and cozy here, J'onn.
- J'onn J'onzz: Nice and cozy? How odd to hear you speak that way. I've never seen this side of you, Clark.
- The Flash: Merry Christmas, guys! Have you been good this year?
- Mrs. Saunders: [shouts of agreement] You can bet they've been good when it means seeing their favorite hero.
- The Flash: Don't forget the present he brings.
- Mrs. Saunders: [the kids cheer] You really don't have to do that.
- The Flash: Come on, it's tradition. What's it gonna be this year, guys? A video game? Sports equipment?
- Little Boy: Well, there is something.
- The Flash: Name it.
- Little Girl: It's on! It's on!
- [they lead him to the television]
- D.J. Rubber Ducky: [rapping] I'm the rubber ducky with all the fly moves/Rockin' at his house with my tight grooves/Go, rubber, go, rubber/Go, Rubber Ducky.
- The Flash: [laughing as Ducky makes farting noises] That actually is pretty cool. Okay, D.J. Rubber Ducky it is.
- Mrs. Saunders: Uh, you may not want to get their hopes up too high. Every store's been sold out for weeks.
- The Flash: Please. I made Gorilla Grodd cry uncle. I'm sure Rubber Ducky will be no problem.
- Green Lantern: [on an alien moon] You said this is where you go to relax?
- Hawkgirl: No, I said this is where I go to celebrate!
- Superman: The ice planet's orbit is stabilizing. These two worlds will never collide now.
- J'onn J'onzz: The Normitians are sending us their expressions of relief and gratitude.
- The Flash: Nice way to kick off a Christmas break.
- Superman: I second that. G.L.?
- Green Lantern: You guys go ahead. I'll catch up with you later.
- Hawkgirl: [following him] I'll hitch a ride back with G.L.
- The Flash: How about you, big guy? Any holiday plans?
- J'onn J'onzz: I'm afraid this season has no meaning for me.
- The Flash: [watching him board the Javelin] Whoa. Frosty.
- Superman: We'll have to do something about that.
- Hawkgirl: Yo, Faz. Is the plurb in this dive still as bad as I remember?
- Faz: [serving a drink] See for yourself, Wings.
- Hawkgirl: [taking a gulp and belching] Ahh! Now, that's good plurb.
- [passing a stein to John]
- Hawkgirl: Try this. It's great.
- [taking a sip and spitting it out, he sees worms swimming around in it]
- Green Lantern: [sarcastic] Delicious.
- Hawkgirl: Just one more thing would make this evening perfect.
- [taking out her mace, she smashes the hand of an alien next to them, then passes the mace to John and indicates he's the one who did it]
- Green Lantern: What?
- [the alien tackles him, beginning a barroom brawl]
- Ultra-Humanite: Haven't I see enough of you for one night?
- The Flash: I wanted to say thanks. You really helped me out.
- Ultra-Humanite: I did it for the children. I welcome any opportunity to bring culture to the uncorrupted.
- The Flash: Sure.
- [revealing a small Christmas tree]
- The Flash: But I thought you might like some holiday cheer yourself.
- Ultra-Humanite: An aluminum Christmas tree?
- The Flash: I know, it's kind of cheesy, but...
- Ultra-Humanite: No, no. We had one just like it when I was... it's very nice. The guard will show you out.
- [as Humanite turns on a strobe light and watches the ornaments blink, Flash peeks in and grins]
- Ultra-Humanite: What a shame. I broke your toy.
- The Flash: It was a present for some kids who really wanted it.
- Ultra-Humanite: A paltry bit of plastic and crude electronics. They'd have been better off with a book. I suggest Voltaire.
- Hawkgirl: [having a snowball fight with John] Okay, okay! I give!
- Green Lantern: Feeling more festive?
- Hawkgirl: I don't know. I still don't get this whole obsession with the holidays. Although... back on Thanagar, we would celebrate after a successful battle. I may never get home, but I have found one planet where the people celebrated the same way.
- Green Lantern: Oh, yeah? Whereabouts?
- Hawkgirl: You wouldn't like it.
- Green Lantern: I have a day off and a fully charged power ring. Try me.
- Hawkgirl: Omega quadrant. Third moon of Gaultos.
- Ultra-Humanite: [his gun clicks empty] Huh?
- The Flash: [holding the battery cartridge] Should have asked Santa for extra batteries.
- [speeding forward, he throws punches, and Humanite falls on the D.J. Rubber Ducky toy]
- The Flash: No!
- Ma Kent: Now, J'onn, Clark tells us you're on your own this year. We don't allow anyone to visit for the holidays without taking a present home with them.
- J'onn J'onzz: But I brought no gift for you.
- Ma Kent: Nonsense. Your company is the only present we need.