Neil Patrick Harris credited as playing...
Barney Stinson
- Ted: The truth is, my friend, he does this thing where he goes to airports with fake luggage to pick up girls, and we followed some here to Philadelphia. That-that-that's it. That's all this is.
- Officer McNeil: Nobody's *that* lame.
- Ted: Yes, *he's* that lame.
- [to Barney]
- Ted: Tell him you're *that* lame!
- Barney: [pause] We are international businessmen!
- Ted: Oh, come on!
- Barney: [Pointing from his eyes to Ted's] Ted, Ted, Ted, right here. This is happening. Now, you can either put the bags on the carousel now, or you can listen to me give you a really long speech convincing you to put the bags on the carousel. Your move.
- [Ted doesn't move]
- Barney: Ted, since the dawn of time, mankind has struggled...
- [Ted picks up the bags and goes to the carousel]
- Barney: Okay, we just do this one little thing, and the rest of the night is ours.
- Ted: Why do you have those suitcases, and who are we picking up?
- Barney: I don't know. Maybe her? Or her?
- [Chuckles]
- Ted: Wait, so when you said you were going to pick someone up at the airport, you meant you were going to "pick someone up" at the airport?
- Barney: [Winks] Scenario: a couple of girls fly into town, looking for a fun weekend in NYC, when they meet two handsome international businessmen, just back from a lucrative trip to Japan. Sample dialogue: "You have a wheelie bag? Well, *I* have a wheelie bag!"
- Ted: You've got to be kidding me.
- Barney: False. Sidebar - tuck in your shirt. You look sketchy.
- Ted: *I'm* sketchy?
- Barney: [Pulls up in taxi] Get in the cab. Marshall, you too.
- Marshall Eriksen: Oh, I wish I could. I think Lily and I are just going to...
- Barney: I understand.
- [to Ted]
- Barney: Get in the cab.
- Ted: Why can Marshall say no?
- Barney: Uh, because he's getting laid.
- Marshall Eriksen: Consistently.
- Barney: [leaving Philadelphia] Could have licked the Liberty Bell.
- Ted: We're going to the airport.
- Barney: ... Bong... Bong... Bo...
- Ted: [Snapping] Why do I hang out with you? Why? All I wanted was to have a regular beer at my regular bar, with my regular friends in my regular city!
- Barney: [Pointing from his eyes to Ted's eyes] Ted, Ted, Ted. You're not even looking!
- Ted: No, I'm not.
- Barney: Look, our forefathers died for the pursuit of happiness, okay? Not for the sit around and wait of happiness. Now, if you want, you can go to the same bar, drink the same beer, talk to the same people every day, *or* you can lick the Liberty Bell! You can grab life by the crack, and lick the crap out of it!
- Leonard - Cab Driver #2: That was beautiful, man.
- Leonard - Cab Driver #2: Thanks, Leonard.
- Barney: [Pointing from his eyes to Ted's to hold his attention] Ted, Ted, Ted, right here. You keep going to the same bar. You're in a rut. And I am a rut-buster. I'm going to bust your rut.
- Ted: It's not a rut, okay? It's a routine, and i like it.
- Barney: Ted, what's the first syllable in "rut-tine"?
- [Ted grudgingly gets in the cab]
- Barney: Peace out, suckers!
- Ted: What's wrong with MacLaren's?
- Barney: MacLaren's is bore-snore. Ted, tonight we're going to go out. We're going to meet some ladies. It's going to be legendary. Phone-five!
- [High fives his phone]
- Older Ted Mosby: [voiceover] I had no idea why I hung out with Barney.
- Barney: You didn't phone-five, did you? I know when you don't phone-five, Ted. Come on, we always go to McLaren's.
- Ted: Yeah, 'cause McLaren's is fun.
- Barney: McLaren's is *this* much fun.
- [Holds his hand right under his chin]
- Barney: What I'm offering is a chance to have *this* much fun.
- [Holds his hand above his head]
- Ted: See, you say that - you say it's going to be *this* much fun, but most of the time, it ends up being *this* much fun.
- [Starts with his hand over his head, then moves it down to his stomach, then puts it back under his head]
- Ted: *This* much fun is good. It's safe. Its guaranteed.
- Barney: This hand gesture thing doesn't really work in the phone, does it?
- Ted: No, it doesn't.
- Barney: [about the Liberty Bell] Wow, it must be really well cordoned off over there. Do you ever go behind the rope and touch it?
- Dana: Only all the time.
- Barney: Do you ever, like, stick your head inside it?
- Dana: Yeah.
- Barney: You ever lick it?
- Dana: [Thoughtfully] Nope. I have never licked it.
- Barney: Hmm. I bet nobody in history has ever licked the Liberty Bell. If someone were to pull that off, I daresay it would be... what's the word?
- Ted: [Getting up from the couch] Well, this is my stop.
- Barney: Legendary! Ted, legendary.
- Barney: [Ted is trying to go back to New York] No, no! The night has just started! Look, airport bar. Flight attendants. They'll get your tray table in its full upright position. Say what?
- [Raises his hand fora high five]