- Ted Mosby: [to someone in a big penguin costume] Excuse me? This is going to sound crazy, but... I met someone on this roof four years ago, and they mixed that cocktail, and they loved penguins... by any chance, was that you?
- [the penguin seems to smile]
- Ted Mosby: It's you. Everyone thought I was crazy, but...
- [the penguin unmasks to reveal Barney underneath]
- Barney: You are such a LOSER.
- Ted Mosby: Arrgh!
- Barney: Come on, I came back for you, Ted. I penguin-suited up to show you the error of your ways. And to score Hula Girl's number. Check and check.
- Ted Mosby: Unbelievable.
- Barney: Okay, here's the plan, and I crap you not. I am getting us into the Victoria's Secret Halloween party. Trust me, by the end of the night, your chad will not be hanging.
- Ted Mosby: We can get rejected by supermodels any day of the year. Tonight, I'm gonna go up tp the roof, I'm gonna have a few beers, I'm gonna wait for the slutty pumpkin. It's just what I do.
- Barney: [weighing the options on his hand] Hmm.
- [left hand]
- Barney: Victoria's Secret models prancing around in bras and panties, or
- [right hand]
- Barney: Yale preppies reuniting their stupid acapella group.
- [pretends to hear his left hand say something]
- Barney: What's that, left hand? Right hand sucks? Word.
- Ted Mosby: I'm heading up to the roof.
- Barney: [to his hands] Well, boys, looks like it's just you and me.
- [pretending to hear his hand talk again]
- Barney: What's that? Self-five? Nice.
- [gives himself a high five]
- Barney: We out!
- Barney: You know what I love about Halloween? It's the one night of the year chicks use to unleash their inner ho-bag. If a girl dresses up as a witch, she's a slutty witch. If she's a cat, she's a slutty cat. If she's a nurse...
- Lily Aldrin: Wow, we get it.
- Barney: ...she's a slutty nurse.
- Ted Mosby: I just met the perfect woman. She's funny, she's beautiful, she loves "Star Wars"...
- Marshall Eriksen: Woah woah woah, what's her take on Ewoks?
- Ted Mosby: Loves them!
- Marshall Eriksen: Oh, good. I don't know why people are so cynical about Ewoks, the Rebellion would have failed without the Ewoks.
- Ted Mosby: And get this: She's a marine biologist, she spent a year in Antarctica studying penguins.
- Marshall Eriksen: Oh, penguins are cool. Kinda like black-and-white Ewoks. I approve.
- Lily Aldrin: [dressed as a parrot] All right, Polly gotta pee.
- Marshall Eriksen: Again?
- [starts following her to the bathroom]
- Ted Mosby: Where are you going?
- Marshall Eriksen: It's... an elaborate costume.
- Barney: Okay, I'm leaving. But just know, this Victoria's Secret party is on a yacht! And what will be sticking to that yacht? The Barnicle!
- Ted Mosby: Really? That's the nickname now?
- Barney: Yeah, the Barnicle!
- Ted Mosby: Barnicle Barney?
- Barney: That's it.
- [awkward pause]
- Barney: Barnicle out!
- [leaves]
- Ted Mosby: Have fun, Barnicle.
- [Barney is still dressed as a Devil]
- Ted Mosby: I have to pee.
- Barney: So go to the bathroom.
- Ted Mosby: No, there's a huge line, and I don't wanna miss the Slutty Pumpkin.
- Barney: So pee off the roof. Ooh! Ted. Pee off the roof.
- [some guy dressed as an angel turns around]
- Angel: Woah. I wouldn't do that if I were you, there's people walking down there.
- Barney: Come on, Ted. Who you gonna listen to? Me or Mr. goodie-goodie over there?
- Angel: Yeah, whatever, you guys got some weed?
- Robin Scherbatsky: Everyone else is off falling in love and acting stupid and goofy and sweet and insane, but not me. Why don't I want that more? I *want* to want that... am I wired wrong or something?
- Ted Mosby: No... Look, you didn't want to be with me, so clearly you have abismal taste in men...
- [they laugh]
- Ted Mosby: ...but you're wired just fine.
- [in a devil costume, talking to the hula dancer girl]
- Barney: Let me guess, every guy has used the "laid" line on you tonight, huh?
- Hula Dancer: You wouldn't believe.
- Barney: I apologize for my gender. Let me make it up to you, make you a drink.
- Hula Dancer: You certainly are a charming devil.
- Barney: I'm also a *horny* devil... Yeah.
- Hula Dancer: No.
- [walks away]
- Barney: Okay, Victoria's Secret party, right now.
- Ted Mosby: Nope.
- Barney: Come on, I can't stand watching my delusional friend waste another precious Halloween! Ted, the slutty pumpkin is not coming!
- Ted Mosby: She *might*.
- Barney: Oy...
- Ted Mosby: Come on, Barney, this is not about the odds! It's about believing! This girl, she... she represents something to me, I don't know... hope.
- Barney: Wow. I did not understand a word you just said.
- Hula Dancer: [seeing that Barney is the penguin] Wait a minute. You're that lame army guy!
- Barney: What? No, no, that's some other guy. And he was a kick-ass fighter pilot.
- Hula Dancer: I cannot believe I gave you my number.
- Barney: Yeah, well, you did. Thanks.
- Hula Dancer: Yeah, well, give it back.
- Barney: Well, uh, I don't think so, I earned it, fair and square. I'm calling you.
- Hula Dancer: But I'm never going to go out with you!
- Barney: But how will you know it's me. I'm a master of disguise!... Yeah.
- [Hula Dancer walks away exasperated]
- Lily Aldrin: Baby, I'm so sorry.
- Robin Scherbatsky: It's no big deal. He wanted to be a "we" and I wanted to be an "I"... Dudes are such chicks.
- Robin Scherbatsky: I never played any team sports.
- Ted Mosby: Are we playing "I never," because there's nothing left but peach schnapps.
- Robin Scherbatsky: I had a feeling I'd find you here.
- Ted Mosby: Oh, hey. If you're here for the Shagarats, you just missed the fourth encore.
- Robin Scherbatsky: How do you do this, Ted? How do you sit out here all night, on the roof in the cold and still have faith your pumpkin's gonna show up?
- Ted Mosby: Well, I'm pretty drunk...