House M.D. (TV Series)

The Mistake (2005)

Hugh Laurie: Dr. Gregory House

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Quotes 

• Stacy Warner : What are you hiding?

  Dr. Gregory House : [sarcastically]  I'm gay. Oh, that's not what you meant. It does explain a lot though. No girlfriend, always with Wilson, obsession with sneakers...

• Dr. Gregory House : [to Cuddy]  Livers are important, Cuddy. You can't live without them, hence the name.

• Dr. Lisa Cuddy : Forget it. We can't give a liver to a woman this sick.

  Dr. Gregory House : Do you listen to what you're saying?

• Stacy Warner : If Chase screwed up so badly, why didn't you fire him?

  Dr. Gregory House : He has great hair.

• Stacy Warner : Leave the blackmail out of the story you tell the committee.

  Dr. Gregory House : I tried to leave it out of the story I told you.

• Dr. Gregory House : [can't open his pills]  Childproof. How many kids are hopped up on Vicodin?

• Stacy Warner : That's how you tell this guy he's dying?

  Dr. Gregory House : Oh relax. He's got a cold, and soon, health insurance.

• Stacy Warner : Where's Chase?

  Dr. Gregory House : He's too busy to service you until after work. I've got a couple of minutes, though. Feel free to say something like, "What'll we do with the time left over?"

• Dr. James Wilson : [to House]  Your disdain for human interaction doesn't exculpate you, it inculpates you. You sign the charts, you're responsible for everything Chase does.

  Dr. Gregory House : Which is why this doesn't matter. She protects Chase, she protects me.

  Dr. James Wilson : Unless her advice to Chase is to make a deal and give you up.

  [fakes an Australian accent] 

  Dr. James Wilson : "I'm so sorry, if only Dr. House had paid attention. He'd never even met her. He never does."

  Dr. Gregory House : Chase loves me and isn't Turkish.

• [Stacy interrupts House while with a patient] 

  Stacy Warner : I need to talk to you.

  Dr. Gregory House : From the doorway?

  Stacy Warner : It's confidential.

  Dr. Gregory House : Cool. I love gossip!

• Dr. Gregory House : [about Stacy]  She's over-reacting.

  Dr. James Wilson : You snuck into her shrink's office and read her private file. When Nixon did that, he got impeached.

  Dr. Gregory House : So you're saying I'm not allowed to have oral sex with an intern either?

• Stacy Warner : [to House]  Two questions: why did Chase screw up and how bad was it?

  Dr. Gregory House : Wow. Talk about efficient. I only need one answer: Chase didn't screw up.

  Stacy Warner : He said he did.

  Dr. Gregory House : Well, I'm not a lawyer, but that seems like a sucky legal strategy.

  Stacy Warner : They're gonna wanna know what you think a reasonable doctor would have done in Chase's position.

  Dr. Gregory House : If I thought he was a "reasonable" doctor, I wouldn't have hired him.

  Stacy Warner : God, you two are a couple of geniuses. Deny everything. Completely fool the lawyer who's trying to help you. Too bad the review committee members are actually doctors.

• Dr. Gregory House : [after Chase's patient, Kayla shows up in the ER with a bleeding ulcer]  This woman could die because you were too lazy to ask one simple question!

  Dr. Robert Chase : No, she might die because I had the bad luck to spill your damn vicodin pills!

• Dr. Gregory House : And I responded with a number of trenchant remarks which made Chase cry. None of which I'm going to testify about.

• Stacy Warner : [to House]  You blackmailed Ayersman, he performed the surgery, and you ratted him out anyway?

  Dr. Gregory House : Doesn't seem fair, does it?

  Stacy Warner : You just can't control yourself, can you? No matter how stupid, how self-destructive...

  Dr. Gregory House : To make this conversation easier, can we discard the fiction that we're talking about anything other than what I did to you? You're not mad because I broke into your psychiatrist's office.

  Stacy Warner : Yeah, I was thrilled about that.

  Dr. Gregory House : Okay, it was a lousy thing to do, but if what I'd found was that everything was all kittens and moonbeams in Markville, you'd be over it.

  Stacy Warner : No, I wouldn't!

  Dr. Gregory House : You're mad at me for letting you know what I did because you liked where things were going. And for that I actually am sorry. It was stupid.

  [Stacy turns and leaves the room] 

• Sam McGinley : You House?

  Dr. Gregory House : Umm... well, that depends. Are you going to hit...

  [stands next to Foreman] 

  Dr. Gregory House : Dr. House?

• Dr. Lisa Cuddy : Just been served with papers. Actually paper; one page.

  [while reading the paper] 

  Dr. Lisa Cuddy : Defendants: Princeton-Plainsboro Hospital and Dr. Robert Chase. Blah, blah, blah. Medical malpractice, negligence. Blah, blah.

  Dr. Gregory House : You're surprised they're suing? You think people love Chase so much they're gonna just forego...

  Dr. Lisa Cuddy : Punitive damages in the amount of 10 million dollars.

  [passes the paper to Stacy] 

  Stacy Warner : Punitives? That means they're alleging gross negligence.

  Dr. Robert Chase : Well, he's obviously out of his mind.

  Stacy Warner : Larry Wusekus. He's not crazy.

• Dr. Gregory House : [to Chase]  I ordered black coffee this morning and got cream. Everybody screws up.

  Dr. Robert Chase : They didn't put poison in your coffee.

  Dr. Gregory House : I've seen you hungover. You weren't the day you blew his sister's diagnosis.

  Dr. Robert Chase : What does it matter why? Is she less dead if I have a good excuse?

  Dr. Gregory House : If I thought you'd screwed up because you were drunk, I would have fired you.

• Dr. Gregory House : [to Chase]  Look, you got a choice. You can either tell the truth, hospital settles, family gets some money, they get to keep their house. Or you can keep up this lie, family gets punitive damages, they buy a jet, they move to Park Avenue and you have to find another career.

  Dr. Robert Chase : You're not going to say anything?

  Dr. Gregory House : I'm going to keep my mouth shut. Legally, it's better for me if you go down in flames.

• Stacy Warner : And this was right before you ran the marathon, I suppose?

  Dr. Gregory House : Was it the part where he warmly clasped my hands and thanks, was that too much?

  Stacy Warner : What'd you do to him?

  Dr. Gregory House : The hospital lawyer asks me if I did something unethical. If I did, the last person I'd tell is the hospital lawyer - especially since she's gone all Old Testament on me.

  Stacy Warner : You'll tell me.

  Dr. Gregory House : Oh. Okay then. One caveat: I've moved past threesomes - I'm now into foursomes. When someone backs out, then you still got a threesome. And if two people back out, you're still having sex. You'd be amazed - even if three people...

  Stacy Warner : Anything you say is attorney-client. So you can get advice about the bad bad thing you did, knowing I'll be tortured because I can't tell a soul.